Mystery Science Theater 3333 1/3: Season 2 Edited
by Tuxedo Alex
Summary: The PG-13 Version of 'Season 2' with the Lemons cut out. But the CLEAN BAD FICS KEEP ON COMING! New stuff includes MORE 'EGFAD', 'Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened', 'Sailor Moon Meets Her Books Authors', and 'Sister Catsy'.
1. Episode 11: 'Evil Guy From Another Dimen...

And if you're not down with that, I got THREE WORDS and TWO NUMBERS FOR YA!...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY: TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 11: EVIL GUY FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION (Part 5)  
(BY JUPITER KNIGHT)  
  
But before we go on, here are some:  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
"Evil Guy From Another Dimension" belongs to Jupiter Knight and he's welcome to it. I take no responsibility for his work. However, I would like to say that this MST of his work is no discredit to the author himself; just the fanfic. So please Jupiter Knight, if you're out there, don't take this as an insult. This was all done with fun in mind. I don't want my mailbox's to be assaulted by flames!  
  
Plus, please be flattered that you're the evil brain sending us your fanfic! I couldn't do it without you! :)  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(Falcon Knight walks onto the screen. The rest of the crew is in a mock wrestling ring in the background. Falcon is dressed in a ref's attire.)  
  
FALCON: Hey, guys, this is Falcon Knight, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. You're probably wondering why I'm here instead of that Joel guy. To be honest, I'm wondering too. But it's like this. Jason Halloway took Joel to the escape pod and left, leaving me to fill the void. Well, anyway, you'll have to excuse me while I referee this match...  
  
(Cambot shifts to the rings. Tuxedo Alex and Sailor Silver Knight are located in one corner, while Tom and Crow are in the opposite corner. Tom and Crow both have ridiculous masks on.)  
  
MAGIC VOICE: This tag-team contest is for one fall with a 20 minute time limit. Introducing first, hailing from 32 Century Crystal Tokyo, at a combined weight of 350 and one-half pounds, Tuxedo Alex, and Sailor Silver Knight!  
TUXEDO: You're going down, Bots!  
S.KNIGHT: Your hentai nonsense is ceasing now!  
MAGIC VOICE: And their opponents, hailing from the Satellite of Love, at a combined weight of 37 pounds, the Omnipotent UltraBots!  
TUXEDO & S.KNIGHT: ......  
CROW: Tom, what kind of nickname is that?  
TOM: Well, I thought that a nickname like that could strike fear into the hearts of everybody, you know? It's like saying "Yeah, you can fight us if ya want, but we're omnipotent!"  
CROW: Do you even know what omnipotent means?  
TOM: Well,....no, but...  
CROW: (sigh)  
  
(Falcon Knight steps through the ropes.)  
  
FALCON: Okay, let's start this thing. Ring the bell!  
  
(A bell rings somewhere on the Satellite, starting the match. Immediately, both Tuxedo Alex and Sailor Silver Knight go to their attack positions.)  
  
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD!  
BOTS: Dammit...  
  
(The roses and stars collide with the Bots as Falcon Knight bails out of the ring. This sends pieces of canvas and turnbuckle all over the place.)  
  
FALCON: Uh.......we'll be right back...  
TOM: My spleen!  
TUXEDO: You don't have a spleen!  
CROW: Much less know what one is.  
TOM: You don't either!  
S.KNIGHT: Guys!  
  
@@@@@  
  
A FEW MOMENTS LATER ON THE SATTELITE OF LOVE  
  
(Falcon Knight is holding a repair kit while Tuxedo Alex and Sailor Silver Knight repair the damage they inflicted upon the Bots. Crow's repairs are done, and they are in the process of screwing on Tom's head.)  
  
CROW: Omnipotent Ultrabots...  
TOM: Hey, it was a good nickname!  
FALCON: Sure it was, Tom. Sure it was.  
TUXEDO: (Giving the last few tweaks on the neck.) There, now you're as good as new!  
TOM: Next time we have a match, DON'T DO THAT!  
S.KNIGHT: All right! We promise!  
  
(The red light starts to flash.)  
  
TUXEDO: Man, it looks like Randy Savage and Gorgeous George are calling.  
  
(He presses the button, and sees Frank on the screen.)  
  
FRANK: Hi, guys! What's shaking?  
CROW: Frank?  
TOM: What happened to Dr. F.?  
FRANK: He's on vacation. So he let me have a baby-sitter! Isn't he the greatest?  
TUXEDO: Uh, sure Frank. So does that mean no fanfic today?  
FRANK: My babysitter says you have to read it.  
BACKGROUND VOICE: Damn right!  
  
(All the SOL occupants shudder at the voice.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, my God...  
FALCON: It can't be...  
TUXEDO: Not again! (Hides under the table.)  
BOTS: It's...  
  
(A familiar figure appears on the hexfield.)  
  
ALL: JUPITER KNIGHT!  
J.KNIGHT: Greetings, worms! I see that the three of you have been "enjoying" your stay on the Satellite?  
TUXEDO: (Popping up from the table.) You're not forcing us into the 'fic again! I won't let you!  
J.KNIGHT: Oh, don't worry about that. I'm just going to force you to READ the fanfic!  
S.KNIGHT: Oh no...  
TOM: Not more 'Evil Guy'!  
CROW: We had four parts! Isn't that enough?!?  
FALCON: I haven't read it yet...  
  
(Electricity surrounds Falcon Knight's head once again, sending him crumpled to the floor.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Falcon!  
J.KNIGHT: Thanks for "filling him in", Frank!  
TOM: Frank, how could you?  
  
(Frank comes back onto the screen.)  
  
FRANK: Hey, if I didn't, I'd have to go to bed early!  
J.KNIGHT: Anyway, now it's time for Part 5 of your favorite story, and mine, "Evil Guy From Another Dimension!" Enjoy!  
  
(The hexfield cuts off. Falcon Knight slowly rises to his feet.)  
  
FALCON: I REALLY wish they would stop beaming back-stories into my head.  
  
(The klaxons go off.)  
  
CROW: And it looks like you need to recover quick...  
TUXEDO: ...'cause we got JUPITER KNIGHT SIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
@@@@@  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
THEATER  
  
Been too long since part 4.   
  
TUXEDO: Actually, it hasn't been long enough.  
  
Got a new VCR at the beginning of the month and I've been on an anime high for the past 2 weeks.   
  
CROW: So THAT'S what he's been smoking!  
S.KNIGHT (stoned): Pass me the Ranma joint...oh, yeah...that hit the spot...  
  
I still have about 34 1/2 more hours coming later this month (yikes)! Anyway, here we go again with this happy, fun little fanfic.  
  
FALCON: In a sick, twisted sort of way.  
  
If you like this, you know what to do. If you don't like this, you can send a slightly modified message to the same address. What's the address? Oh, it's somewhere around here.  
  
TUXEDO: Well, that's one way not to get hate mail...  
  
Oh yeah, Jackie, here's part 5!!!  
  
TOM: First it was Steve the Angry Dolphin, now it's Jackie. Who else is gonna fall to the whim of this guy?  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Sailor Moon: The Evil Guy From Another Dimension  
By Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight)  
  
FALCON: I call no Street Fighter refferences!  
CROW: Take all the fun outta life, why don't ya.  
  
Part 5 - What the hell? The leather Senshi appear!  
  
TOM: Sable, Torrie and Ivory?  
S.KNIGHT: Not those whores!  
FALCON: (Drools at the thought.)  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Last time on COPS, er, this fanfic:  
  
ALL (singing): Bad fanfic, bad fanfic, what'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do when our crew riffs you!  
  
Saddam Hussein, wtf is he doing? Who the hell knows?   
  
TUXEDO: And who the hell CARES about wtf he's doing? And why the hell are we watching wtf he's doing...  
S.KNIGHT: Alex, hush!  
TUXEDO: Sorry, I got carried away.  
  
He sent the S&M Sisters against the Senshi, and they had a rather extatic defeat.  
  
TOM: Proving that Jupiter Knight's pleasure equals our pain...  
  
And now, the long awaited continuation! You know you were desiring this.  
  
CROW: Who's JK talking to?  
TOM: Well, it isn't me...  
  
"And the answer is?" asked Ami.  
"Refrigerated dishes deserve revenge!" exclaimed Minako.  
  
FALCON (Family Fued guy): Good answer! Good answer!  
  
"Uh, no," said Ami.  
"Minako-chan, that's 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'" said Makoto.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Chilled, you stupid author! Revenge is a dish best served chilled!  
TOM: Do we have to be that specific?  
S.KNIGHT: Sorry, this fanfic is REALLY irritating...  
  
"You're both wrong," said Ami.  
  
FALCON: Was there a question to begin with?  
TUXEDO: With JK's patented "No Plot" formula, we don't need a question!  
  
"The answer is, 'Take me now, loverboy'" said Chibiusa.  
Everyone stared at Chibiusa. "Ah, so that's the answer!" exclaimed Usagi.  
  
TUXEDO: Argh! No "Chibi-usa'a 7th Birthday" flashbacks!  
  
"Correct!" exclaimed Ami.  
"Wai! Wai!"  
  
ALL (mutted trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaah.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"So, what should we do today, Haruka?" asked Michiru.  
  
TUXEDO: No, Crow.  
CROW: What are you talking about.  
TUXEDO: Just putting out the fire before it starts.  
  
"To break this redundant habit, I'll just say. . ." paused Haruka.  
"Yes?" wondered Michiru seductively.  
  
CROW: Yes?  
TUXEDO: So much for that...  
  
"Hot. . ."  
"Yes?! Yes?!"  
  
CROW: Yes?! Yes?!  
S.KNIGHT: Crow!  
  
"Passion. . ."  
"Yes?!?! Yes?!?! Yes?!?!"  
  
CROW: Yes?!?! Yes?!?! Yes?!?!  
TUXEDO: CROW!  
FALCON: Yes?!?! Yes?!?! Yes?!?!  
S.KNIGHT: (Throws the bunt of an arrow at Falcon Knight's head.) Don't you start!  
TOM: (Giggling to himself)  
TUXEDO: And that goes for you, too!  
TOM: Dammit!  
  
"Fruit," Haruka finished.  
Michiru pouted and said, "I thought you were going to say sex."  
  
FALCON & CROW: Us too...  
S.KNIGHT: Thank God...  
  
"Maybe later. The curtain's about to rise," said Haruka. Haruka was at the piano and Michiru held her violin.  
"Oh yeah. I seem to be a bit absentminded today."  
  
ALL: (groaning)  
TOM: Although the sex would provide a much better show.  
FALCON: Oh, no question.  
TUXEDO: Guys!  
  
* * * * *  
  
CROW: Hey look, there's us!  
S.KNIGHT: Funny...it looks like they're suffering too.  
MAGIC VOICE: For the remainder of the chapter, the fourth wall alarms will disconnected.  
FALCON: ....Who was that?  
TOM: Magic Voice.  
FALCON: Magic what?  
CROW: We'll explain later.  
TUXEDO: But why are the alarms disconnected?  
  
Later, after the concert, all of the girls met at Hikawa Jinja, somewhat after 7 pm, but before 7:30 pm. Could have been 7:15 pm, but after taking a look at the clock, it seemed to be 7:14 pm. One minute off, but it was a good guess.  
  
TOM: Damn daylight savings time.  
  
"I feel something odd," said Rei.  
  
CROW (Rei): ...up my skirt. Serena! Get out from under there!  
TUXEDO: Crow!  
  
"So do I. My mirror seems to indicate something," said Michiru. "The words. . ."  
"Are coming to me," said Rei. "Misty Scene Threat? And something about a number."  
"10000/3 is the answer," continued Michiru.  
  
ALL: ...............  
FALCON: Aw, smeg!  
S.KNIGHT: Jupiter Knight isn't...  
TOM: I think he is.  
TUXEDO: He's breaking the fourth wall in spades!  
CROW: May God help us all...  
  
"Ah, Misty Scene Threat 10000/3?" asked Usagi.  
  
FALCON: No, It's Mystery Science Theater, 33...OUCH!  
(Falcon Knight removes a yellow rose from his arm.)  
TUXEDO: THEY break the fourth wall, Dirty Bird. WE don't!  
  
"Makes no sense to me," said Rei.  
"Me neither," said Michiru.  
  
TOM: I think we all agree on that point.  
  
Hotaru stood up and exclaimed, "Yes, it's true! This new product is the most amazing thing this century! The Misty Scene Threat 10000/3!   
  
VOICE: Oh hell yeah!  
TUXEDO: Who was that?  
S.KNIGHT: He sounds familiar.  
VOICE: It's the author, now keep quiet!  
  
It makes no sense, but you will buy it!"  
  
TOM: Funny, I thought we made sense of the senseless.  
  
"This has been a message from your friendly neighbourhood fanfic author," said Setsuna.  
  
VOICE: That's it, Jupiter Knight! Give us free publicity! Just hand it over!  
CROW: Yeah yeah yeah, just keep writing us...  
(Crow suddenly disappears.)  
TOM: Crow! Oh my Lord!  
FALCON: Where'd he go?  
S.KNIGHT: I don't think Crow should've insulted the author.  
(Crow reappears.)  
VOICE: Don't you mess with me!  
CROW: I'll make a note of that...ugh...  
  
"What do you know about that, Setsuna-san?" asked Michiru.  
"Girls, tell them!" exclaimed Setsuna. A quartet of girls walked in the room and started a bit of a cheerleading type thing.  
"Give me an M!" exclaimed VesVes.  
"Give me an S!" exclaimed CereCere.  
"Give me a T!" exclaimed ParaPara.  
  
TOM: Give me a FU!  
OTHERS: FU!  
FALCON: Give me a Q!  
OTHERS Q!  
CROW: What's that say?  
S.KNIGHT: Uh, lets not go there.  
  
"What's that spell?!" exclaimed JunJun.  
"Emestee?" asked the others.  
  
TUXEDO: Eminem?  
CROW (rapping): Hi, my name is...  
FALCON: What?  
CROW (rapping): My name is...  
S.KNIGHT: Who?  
CROW (rapping): My name is...  
TOM: Slim Shady!  
  
"Close enough," said Setsuna. "Thank you girls."  
  
* * * * *  
  
"What the hell took you so long?!" exclaimed Evil Guy.  
  
FALCON: Sorry, I had a roast in the oven...  
  
"Sorry, some author or something kept rambling on and on," answered the Iraqi dictator.  
"Fine, fine. What you do in private is none of my business," Evil Guy sighed.  
  
CROW: I thought that the S&M sisters were dead!  
S.KNIGHT: Thanks for nothing, Crow!  
  
"And none of the readers' business," whispered some small creature, whether it be youma, Cardian, Droid, Daimon, Lemures, Mirror Paredory, Phage, Kisenian Flower, Snow Dancer or Bon-Bon Baddy, we'll never know.  
  
TUXEDO: Damn JK, you leave SO MUCH OUT OF THIS!  
  
"How is your plan coming along?" asked Evil Guy.  
"It's coming along nicely. It hasn't started, but it looks like it will work, I think," said Saddam.  
"Okay, just make sure no new complications show up."  
  
TOM (Evil Guy): Just the occasional plot contrivance, but no complications.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Usagi, when will we be attacked again?" asked Chibiusa.  
"How would I know? I'm not psychic," she answered.  
  
FALCON: Then ask Rei, you jackass!  
TOM: Falcon, NO!  
FALCON: What?  
  
"I know, I just felt like being out of character. Rei-chan, when will we be attacked again?"  
  
FALCON: ......  
TOM: Whatever suggestions we say seem to end up in the fanfic for some reason.  
FALCON: Now you tell me!  
  
"How would I know? I'm not psy. . .er, wait a minute. I am psychic," Rei answered.  
  
ALL: (weak laughter)  
  
"Well, I'm sure there won't be any aliens coming from some other planet to marry me," said Minako.  
"These are the voyages of the starship Yamato, the other Galaxy class starship," said Ami.  
"Yes, that's true," said Luna. "And I'm a fish with a punctured lung."  
  
CROW: Tuxy?  
TUXEDO: Yes?  
CROW: Can you kill me now?  
TUXEDO: When this chapter's over, I'll think about it.  
CROW: But I wanna die noooooooowwwwwww....  
FALCON: You're gonna hafta wait your turn like the rest of us!  
CROW: Aw, man...  
  
* * * * *  
  
Three leather-clad women stood on top of a building.   
  
TOM: Sable, Torrie and Ivory?  
S.KNIGHT: We already did that one.  
TOM: I know, but it just seem to fit.  
FALCON: (Starts to drool again.)  
  
They were talking, or at least they were moving their lips while vocalising.  
"I hate detransforming into civilian clothing," said Sailor Star Fighter.  
  
CROW: Oh, gee, no one saw THAT ONE coming a mile away!  
  
"Yes, we're female, dammit!" exclaimed Sailor Star Healer.  
  
ALL (excluding S.Knight): Oh, hell yeah!  
S.KNIGHT: Alex, you too?  
TUXEDO: Sorry, couldn't resist.  
  
"And I have an annoying voice," said Sailor Star Maker.  
"At least I get to play football with a lot of guys," said Sailor Star Fighter.  
"And I take baths with female cats while appearing male," said Sailor Star Healer.  
  
FALCON: Introducing Oscar as Sailor Star Healer.  
OTHERS: (loud groaning)  
FALCON: What?  
  
"And I am rude," said Sailor Star Maker.  
"What I want is a Chibi Chibi," said Sailor Star Fighter.  
  
CROW: Uh...never mind. That's just too sick to say!  
TUXEDO: Thank the heavens!  
  
* * * * *  
  
Saddam stood on the street, expecting to be confronted by the Sailor Senshi.   
  
FALCON (Saddam): You wanna throw with my Scouts? I'll give you good prices on 'em!  
  
He had a remote control in his hand, probably for his scud missile.  
  
S.KNIGHT: But he accidentally took the TV remote by mistake.  
TUXEDO (Mrs. Hussein): What's on the tube today? *Click* BOOM!  
  
"Where are they?" he wondered. He noticed several people walking around him laughing at him in his military attire. He shouted, "Okay, Sailor Senshi, where the hell are you!?!?!?!"  
  
TOM: Maybe they left the fanfic?  
FALCON: Take us too!  
TUXEDO: Calm down!  
  
One passerby managed to stifle something in between laughing fits, "Does anyone know the Sailor Senshi hotline number?"  
"1-800-SSENSHI," answered a voice.  
"Who's there?!?!" exclaimed Saddam.  
"It is I, Inspector Gadget! In the name of Metro City Police, I will screw up!"   
  
TUXEDO: Aw, (BLEEP)!  
OTHERS: Watch the language!  
S.KNIGHT: At least it's not the live action movie.  
CROW: And thank GOD it's not Alicia Silverstone in a tiara.  
  
And so he did. The resulting explosion took out half of the street, but miraculously, since Inspector Gadget is only a DIC cartoon, no real damage was done.  
  
TOM: I hate to say it, but JK has a point...  
FALCON: Tom?  
TOM: Well, a SLIGHT one, but a point.  
  
In his place, the three leathery Senshi stood before Saddam.   
  
CROW: Snakes in fukus. Run!  
  
"Who are you?" asked Saddam. "Are you the replacements for the S&M Sisters?"  
"Sailor Star Fighter!"  
"Sailor Star Maker!"  
"Sailor Star Healer!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: Sailor Silver Knight!  
TUXEDO: Tuxedo Alex!  
FALCON: Falcon Knight!  
(A small fanfare plays in the background.)  
TOM: You like feeding your egos, don't you?  
FALCON: Oh hell yeah!  
  
Together, they shouted, "Stage on!"  
  
TUXEDO: I wish the fanfic would yell "STAAAAAAAAGE OUUUUUUUUT!"  
  
All of a sudden, ten more Senshi joined them, as well as three cats and some guy in a tuxedo.  
  
FALCON: Since when was Alex in the fanfic...OUCH!(Plucks another yellow rose from his arm.) Not again!  
TUXEDO: Look, I was forced into this for three chapters. Don't bring it up!  
  
"I am Sailor Moon! If this is a joke, you've done a bad job! We don't want to fight more women with strange fetishes! On behalf of the South American country of Ecuador, we will punish you!" exclaimed Sailor Moon.  
"I am Sailor Mercury! With my perfect brain and IQ of 300, I will out-think you to death!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: Anyone can out-think these characters.  
  
"I am Sailor Mars! I can see what your next move will be, so don't pull anything unexpected! You will feel the pointy heat of my Mars Flame Sniper!"  
  
CROW: So Sailor Mars is a transvestite?  
TUXEDO: CROW!  
  
"I am Sailor Jupiter! Me big! Me strong! I have plenty of talent!   
  
FALCON: If she has the most "talent" of the bunch, then Baywatch has the most Emmy Award-winning talent on TV.  
  
If you try to look up my skirt, I will kick you in the crotch!"  
  
TOM: Since I don't have any built-in genitalia, this'll work out great!  
S.KNIGHT: Tom...  
TOM: Heh heh...  
  
"I am Sailor Venus! I may look like a blonde, but I really am a, well, blonde! If you're lucky I may take you out to an X-rated movie!"  
  
TUXEDO: Don't say that, Venus! The Bots'll hold you to it!  
BOTS: Bite us!  
  
"I am Sailor Chibi Moon! I am pink! I am sugary! But most of all, I am sooooooo kawaii that I will kill you by tooth decay!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: Sailor Chibi Moon! The best sugary treat on the planet!  
  
"I am Sailor Pluto! I've seen the future, and you're not in it! You will die long before the 30th century!"  
  
TOM: Damn, that actually sounded normal.  
  
"I am Sailor Uranus! I'm even bigger and stronger than thunder-breasts here!   
  
FALCON: Ah, I see that JK read "Ami Mizuno's Class of Self Loving" too.  
TUXEDO: Oh, lord, don't get me started!  
  
I will stick my Space Sword where the sun doesn't shine!"  
"I am Sailor Neptune! The seas say you're accustomed to the desert, so I doubt you can breathe underwater! If all else fails, I will hit you over the head with my violin!"  
  
ALL (El Kabong): KABONG!  
  
"I am Sailor Saturn! My Silence Glaive can split you in two! I can destroy the world, can you?!"  
  
CROW: Well, I can make hentai comments on the fly, but you don't see me bragging!  
  
"I am Tuxedo Kamen! I must give a corny speech or some words of encouragement! The rose will prick you to death!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: (Rises from her seat, fire in her eyes.) You...take...that...back...  
TUXEDO: (Tries to hold Silver Knight back.) Michelle! It's only a fanfic! A BAD fanfic. He doesn't mean it!  
S.KNIGHT: ....(Sits down again, nearly in tears.) I'm sorry...it's just this...thing is just WRONG BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION!  
TUXEDO: (Puts an arm around Silver and dries her tears.) It's all right...it's all right...I won't let it get to you.  
(Falcon Knight and the Bots start to snicker and make noises.)  
TUXEDO: Shut up!  
  
"I am Luna! I'm just a cat that can talk, so don't hurt me!"  
"I am Artemis! I'm used to abuse, so nothing you can do will hurt me! Of course, if you become Luna and insult me, I will probably cry!"  
  
TOM (Artemis): Luna...(sniff)...still torments me about...(sniff)...OSCAR! NOOOOOOOO!  
  
"I am Diana! I am cute, can't you see?"  
  
FALCON: (Looks really hard at the screen) Ummmm.....uhhhh.....no.  
  
Saddam just looked at them. "To hell with this. I quit," he said as he walked away.  
  
ALL: ......  
CROW: That's IT?  
S.KNIGHT: He QUITS?!?  
TUXEDO: Where did I put my sword...  
  
"We are NOT into S&M!" exclaimed the Starlights.  
  
FALCON: And now, your daily random thought from the Sailor Starlights.  
  
* * * * *  
  
TOM: Oh, those are the holes I put in the screen when my head exploded. Don't worry about them.  
  
"Ah, so Saddam Hussein was defeated by mere words," said Evil Guy.  
  
TUXEDO: At least he was able to walk away. I damn near fell asleep.  
FALCON: You and me both, bud.  
  
"You'd be afraid if you went up against the Senshi yourself," said a young woman.  
"What would you know about that? You're not even supposed to be in this fanfic," said Evil Guy.  
"Whoops! This isn't Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon Knights?" said the redhead.  
"Who are you, anyway?"  
"I am Akari, blatantly out of character here," she answered.  
  
TOM: That's a crossover, isn't it...  
CROW: Yep.  
TOM: Okay. (Ahem) STOP THE FRIGGIN CROSSOVERS!  
  
"Oh, well, I think I'll just have to go up against the Senshi myself, then," he said.   
  
FALCON: I thought that would happen later.  
S.KNIGHT: FALCON! NO!  
  
"Hmm, maybe after a few more parts. I want to see some more of my minions totally humiliated by the Sailor Senshi before I utterly destroy them, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
FALCON: ......  
TOM: You did again!  
S.KNIGHT: How many times do we have hafta tell you...  
FALCON: I'm sorry...  
  
* * * * *  
  
TUXEDO: The remains of the fourth wall.  
  
Next time on Evil Guy From Another Dimension:  
  
Usagi: What's going on?!?!?!?  
Rei: Beats me.  
  
CROW: And don't ask us, either.  
  
Well, that's it for part 5 of this fanfic. Any comments can be directed to jarcher@direct.ca. By the way, I KNOW this is being MSTed ^_^ For those of you who think this is just a badly written fanfic, well, screw you ^_-   
  
CROW: Well, you can bite all of us then!  
S.KNIGHT: Magic Voice! When do the Fourth Wall alarms go back on?  
MAGIC VOICE: When the chapter's over.  
TOM: It IS over, isn't it?  
MAGIC VOICE: There's still more to read.  
FALCON: Damn!  
MAGIC VOICE: Don't take it out on me!  
  
Actually, this is written when I'm in the goofiest of moods, usually late at night.   
  
TUXEDO (Jupiter Knight): After I drink a few beers and snort some crack...  
  
I never plan what will be written, I just write what comes to mind and just try to make it very odd. Well, I'm going to shamelessly plug some stuff now:  
  
FALCON: Oh, no you don't! (Pulls out a remote control.)  
TOM: What are you doing?  
FALCON: This. (Presses the Fast Forward button.)  
(The shameless self plugs go by extremely fast.)  
CROW: Dang, we owe you one.  
S.KNIGHT: Wait a sec. How come you didn't do this before?  
FALCON: It'll only work for self plugs.  
(The self plugs end, and the fanfic resumes.)  
  
Well, that's about it. Next thing written will be BSSMK episode 9. I really need to make a page for Evil Guy From Another Dimension.  
=======================================================================  
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http://www.dragonfire.net/~JupiterKnight/anime/index.htm  
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character information! Submit your URL in the Directory!  
Nominate your page for an award!  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
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Over 500 Sailormoon fanfics for you to read!  
=======================================================================  
  
TUXEDO: Part 5 is done!  
TOM: Let's get outta here.  
(All leave the theater.)  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(Tuxedo Alex and Sailor Silver Knight are trying to console each other after the fanfic. Falcon Knight, Tom and Crow are in their respective rooms.)  
  
TUXEDO: ...And that fourth wall sequence...  
S.KNIGHT: Do NOT get me started on that!  
TUXEDO: Okay, backing off...backing off...  
S.KNIGHT: (sigh) I'm really sorry for being on edge back there.  
TUXEDO: It's okay. You had a reason. I'm just surprised that Tom's head didn't explode for the 53rd consecutive time.  
S.KNIGHT: Yeah, I know. That reminds me, we really need to stock up on them before they run out.  
TUXEDO: I'll put 'em on the shopping list.  
  
(Tuxedo Alex and Silver Knight laugh a little before entering a long silence.)  
  
TUXEDO: ...Thank you, Michelle...  
S.KNIGHT: For what?  
TUXEDO: For everything...I mean, for rescuing me from JK, for bringing me out of that stupor after "Isobel", for getting me through all those fanfics...dang, theirs so much I can thank you for...  
S.KNIGHT: (smiles, blushing a little) I really should be thanking you. You helped me through all the fanfics, you were there during all my Darien rants...I don't deserve you.  
TUXEDO: (Now his turn to blush a bit) I enjoy it. It's my pleasure. Besides, I wouldn't do it for just anybody...  
S.KNIGHT: (Reaches out and hugs him.) Thank you...  
TUXEDO: (Returns the hug) Thank you...  
  
(Another long silence passes. As the hug loosens a bit, Tuxedo Alex and Silver Knight gaze into eachother's eyes for a long while. Tuxedo takes his hand, places it under Silver's chin, and draws her face towards his. They meet in an passionate kiss.)  
  
TOM: Hey guys! Look at this! Lover boy's got some!  
  
(The kiss ends abruptly as Tom, Crow, and Falcon Knight enter the main room. Both Tuxedo and Silver blush. Tom and Crow break into choruses of "Lover Boy" while Falcon shakes Tuxedo's hand.)  
  
FALCON: Congratulations, man! When's the wedding?  
TUXEDO: Oh, bite me!  
S.KNIGHT: That settles it. I'm getting a lock for my room.  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(Frank, now in his pajamas, is watching the goings on through the hexfield.)  
  
FRANK: Aww, what a cute couple.  
J.KNIGHT: Frank! Didn't I tell you to brush your teeth?  
FRANK: I know! Just a few more minutes!  
J.KNIGHT: Frank, do you want to sit in the "Bad Chair"?  
FRANK: No, no, no! I'll get ready! I'll brush!  
J.KNIGHT: And push the button while you're at it.  
FRANK: Sure thing, Dee Jay!  
J.KNIGHT: That's Jay Dee!  
  
(The button is pushed, and the screen goes black.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Well, I knew I had to bring back the pain of Evil Guy eventually, so I thought this would be a good time. Did you like my valiant return? Or did you just think it sucked? TELL ME! I NEED THE FEEDBACK! I can't improve without your help! E-mail me at tuxedoalex@home.com.  
  
More Disclaimers  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)  
  
Stinger: Hotaru stood up and exclaimed, "Yes, it's true! This new product is the most amazing thing this century! The Misty Scene Threat 10000/3! It makes no sense, but you will buy it!"  
  
(Thanks, Jupiter Knight!) :)  
  
Shameless Self Plug: Coming soon to A Sailor Moon Romance web site will be my first story: The Sailor Moon Chronicles- Return of the Jedite"! It's finally nearing completion! Also, keep an eye out for "For Whom The Rose Smiles," the Tuxedo Alex origin story!  
- 15 -  
  



	2. Episode 12 (Edited)

Dedicated to the MILLIONS......AND MILLIONS of the Rocks fans! It's...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY: TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 12: MOLLY AND HIM (BY DIKIE)  
  
@@@@@  
  
OK, THIS IS THE PG-13 VERSION OF EPISODE 12 FOR ALL THE KIDS OUT THERE. THE ACTUAL LEMON HAS BEEN EDITED OUT, BUT THE STORY PARTS REMAIN, SO NOBODY MISSES ANY PLOT RELATED ITEMS. THIS IS...HOLD ON...damn Caps-lock button. Anyway, I know, this is a really crappy thing to do, have an MST chapter without the actual MST. However, with the chaptering system of Fanfiction.net in full effect, it means that the Season 2 series can only be viewed by people over 17. I still want to please as many readers as I can, so this PG-13 version is in effect. Again, I offer my apologies, and hope you enjoy the host segments!  
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
(Tom, Crow, Tuxedo Alex, Sailor Silver Knight, and Falcon Knight all walk out of the theater, laughing their heads off, and trying to calm down. Tuxedo Alex walks towards Cambot.)  
  
FALCON: Nuts! (laughs) Get your nuts!  
S.KNIGHT: Mini-me! (laughs)  
CROW: I'm oh-so sexy! (laughs)  
TOM: (laughs) Crikey! I...(laughs)...I lost my mojo!  
TUXEDO: (laughs) Okay...okay...hi, I'm Tuxe...(laughs)...Tuxedo Alex, and welcome...welcome to the Satellite of Love. Joel set up a base of operations on Earth, and sent...(laughs)...and sent us the new Austin Powers movie. We're still trying to get it out of our system...  
CROW: Re..remember the parts with Fat Bastard?  
S.KNIGHT: Ugh, don't remind me.  
CROW: I think he's my favorite character. (He slips into Fat Bastard Mode.) Gimmee your baby!  
S.KNIGHT: (wiping her brow, muttering under her breath) Figures.  
FALCON: Say, does it seem a little warmer in here than usual?  
TOM: Yeah, it does seem hot in here.  
TUXEDO: I'll go check it out. We'll be right back...  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(The temperature on the Satellite has risen about 10 degrees higher than normal. Falcon Knight and Tuxedo Alex have removed their jackets, while Sailor Silver Knight has removed her armor to get cooler. Tuxedo Alex and Tom are checking the Satellite's heater, while the others are sitting by a huge fan. Crow is still spewing Austin Powers-isms, aggravating Sailor Silver Knight greatly. Falcon Knight is just trying to get comfortable.)  
  
CROW (Dr. Evil): Mini-me, you complete me...  
S.KNIGHT: Crow, shut up!  
FALCON: Hey, any progress over there?  
  
(Tuxedo fiddles with the internal components of the heater a few minutes more. Tom just gazes inside, hoping he can detect a malfunction. Figuring that he can't do anything more, Tuxedo throws down a piece of the heater in frustration.)  
  
TUXEDO: I don't know, guys. Nothing seems wrong on the inside either.  
TOM: We just can't turn the heat down. Only up.  
TUXEDO: I just don't understand it. Everything is in working order! How can this thing be malfunctioning?  
FALCON: Man, this sucks.  
CROW: Tell me about it.  
  
(The message lights suddenly flash on the Satellite.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: I think we have our cause calling us right now.  
TOM: Happosai and Cologne?  
S.KNIGHT: Yep.  
TUXEDO: I should've known...  
  
(The hexfield turns on, revealing Dr. Forrester painting on an easel, complete with a goofy-looking artist's cap.)  
  
DR. F.: Hello, slaves to insanity's cause.  
TUXEDO: I see you're back from...where ever you went, Dr. F.  
DR. F.: Yes, well I needed time out of the ol' evil lair. I hope that Jupiter Knight didn't give you "too" much trouble...  
FALCON: Nope, just another "Evil Guy" chapter. We lived.  
TOM: It was easy picking! Heh. Didn't even break a sweat!  
DR. F.: Unfortunately. Anyway, as you can see, I have decided to take up a new hobby. "Still-life" painting.  
S.KNIGHT: Wow, that's a...nice, relaxing hobby!  
CROW: Yeah, it doesn't seem as evil as most your other hobbies, Doc.  
DR. F.: Yes, well, I thought it would be a nice change of pace. Would you like to see what I am trying to recreate?  
  
(The camera pans out to reveal a large block of ice. Inside contains a relatively familiar figure.)  
  
FALCON: Hey, isn't that...  
TUXEDO: Oh, my God! He froze TV's Frank!  
BOTS (Stan and Kyle): YOU BASTARD!  
DR. F.: Well, this can't be called "Still Life" painting without a "Still Life" to paint, now can there?  
S.KNIGHT: God, you're sick!  
DR. F.: Plus, I needed to keep this place cold to keep dear Frankie-poo in this state. So, I took the liberty of removing my access heat in this room and "lending" it to you for a while. Hope you don't mind...  
TUXEDO: (Smashing his fist to the console.) Damn you, Forrester!  
DR. F.: Anyway, enough dilly-dally. Your fanfic this week is a little something different. It is a lemony tale involving everyone's favorite Sailor Moon couple.  
CROW: You mean Serena and Darien? Whew, even something like that I can deal with.  
S.KNIGHT: (whispering) Don't give him ideas, Crow!  
DR. F.: (looking slightly confused) No, the couple is Molly and Nephlite. What did you think I was going to say?  
FALCON: A what?!?  
TOM: A Molly....MOLLY LEMON?!?!?!?!?!?  
DR. F.: Enjoy, little peons! And by the way, is it getting hot up there? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(The hexfield feed cuts off.)  
  
CROW: A Molly lemon, AND it's a sauna in here...  
S.KNIGHT: There is no God.  
  
(The klaxons and lights are set off.)  
  
TUXEDO: Brace yourselves, we got LEMON SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
@@@@@  
  
THEATER  
  
(EDITED OUT TO KEEP THIS PG-13. I APOLOGIZE!)  
  
@@@@@  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(The temperature on the Satellite has risen about another five degrees since before the movie started. This causes the humans aboard to revert to tank-tops and shorts for comfort. Tuxedo Alex has gone into the back to find a few parts to turn the tables on Dr. Forrester. Crow takes this time to heckle Silver somewhat.)  
  
CROW: Well, I guess the heat isn't all bad...  
S.KNIGHT: One more comment outta you, and WATCH me throw you out of the air lock!  
FALCON: This is insane. Frank must've been thawing or something...  
TOM: Hey, Alex! Are you building something back there, or are you actually going to fix this?  
TUXEDO: (From the back) As a matter of fact...  
  
(Tuxedo Alex comes out from the back room carrying a large pipe with a small device attached to the bottom.)  
  
TUXEDO: This oughta reverse the heat back to Deep 13 1/3.  
CROW: (Noticing the pipe) Hey, Silver, does that make you...  
  
@@@@@  
  
OUTSIDE THE SOL  
  
(Crow is seen blasted outside one of the many air locks.)  
  
CROW: HOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...............  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(Sailor Silver Knight has a huge smile on her face. The others look at her strangely. Tom looks very distraught.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: I told him I'd blast him out the air lock! Why are you looking at me like that?  
TOM: Crow! My God! Here I come, buddy!  
  
(Tom jumps into the air lock after Crow to "save" his friend.)  
  
TUXEDO: Uh, Silver?  
S.KNIGHT: (Brought out of her joy spell) Huh?  
FALCON: Do you know what you just did?  
S.KNIGHT: What? Save us from a lot of head aches?  
FALCON: Well yeah, but you kinda...  
TUXEDO: Tom and Crow are heading straight for Deep 13 1/3.  
S.KNIGHT: ......Oopsy...  
TUXEDO: (Sighs, and works for a few minutes to install the special device within the heater.) Just a few more adjustments, and then...there! All finished!  
  
(The Satellite's temperature goes down considerably.)  
  
FALCON: Ah, that's much better!  
S.KNIGHT: Finally, I can get out of this skimpy thing!  
FALCON Well...  
TUXEDO: (Gives Falcon the evil eye.) Well, lets check on the Mads. Say Doc, is it getting hot down there?  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(The temperature of the hide-out has raised at least 20 degrees within five minutes. Many things around the room are either partially or fully melted.)  
  
DR. F.: ARGH! This sucks worse than Manos: Hands of Fate! Well, heroes of justice, I didn't want to do this...well, maybe I did, but this lemon was just a test. Next time, you'll be groveling for mercy! HAHAHAHA!  
  
(Dr. F. suddenly steps into part of the partially-melted Frank.)  
  
DR. F.: Oops. Better get the sponge...  
  
(Along the way, Dr. F presses the button, and everything goes black.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Well, this was my first lemon MSTing ever. Since it was so short, I kinda think of it as a test. The next fanfic I do WILL push my limits, as well as some other people. Anyway, hoped you liked it.  
  
More Disclaimers  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)  
  
Stinger: And into the cold dark night the shouts of joy echoed. And then they shagged each other.  
  
Shameless Self Plug: Coming soon to A Sailor Moon Romance web site will be my first story: The Sailor Moon Chronicles- Return of the Jedite"! It's DONE!!!!...just not posted yet. Also, keep an eye out for "For Whom The Rose Smiles," the Tuxedo Alex origin story!  



	3. Episode 13 (Edited)

Welcome, wrestling fans, to the worst fanfic in our sport today! Its...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY: TUXEDO ALEX and  
SAILOR SILVER KNIGHT  
EPISODE 13: RINI'S CHANGE OF FORTUNE (Part 1) BY AP SCOUT  
  
@@@@@  
  
OK, THIS IS THE PG-13 VERSION OF EPISODE 13 FOR ALL THE KIDS OUT THERE. THE ACTUAL LEMON HAS BEEN EDITED OUT, BUT THE STORY PARTS REMAIN, SO NOBODY MISSES ANY PLOT RELATED ITEMS. THIS IS...HOLD ON...damn Caps-lock button. Anyway, I know, this is a really crappy thing to do, have an MST chapter without the actual MST. However, with the chaptering system of Fanfiction.net in full effect, it means that the Season 2 series can only be viewed by people over 17. I still want to please as many readers as I can, so this PG-13 version is in effect. Again, I offer my apologies, and hope you enjoy the host segments!  
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(Sailor Silver Knight is chasing Falcon Knight in the background, a bucket of cold water in her hands. Tuxedo Alex is just watching Falcon Knight run for his life.)  
  
FALCON: C'mon, Silver! This isn't funny!  
S.KNIGHT: This is for ALL the times you made fun of me!  
FALCON: Moi? Make fun of YOU? Impossible! When did I do that?  
S.KNIGHT: Want a list?  
TUXEDO: (Turning to the screen) Oh, hi everyone. Tuxedo Alex here. Welcome back to the SOL. You know, we never knew that this Satellite was equipped with it's own Jusenkio Springs in the basement. Falcon found that out the hard way...  
FALCON: Hey! Keep that cold water away from me! I didn't do nothing!  
S.KNIGHT: Take this!  
  
(Silver splashes the water all over Falcon. In an instant, he turns into a chicken.)  
  
FALCON: Cluck! Cluck!  
S.KNIGHT: (Joining Tuxedo Alex) Well, I guess the "Dirty Bird" is now a real dirty bird, huh?  
TUXEDO: Silver, you know that was kind of mean.  
S.KNIGHT: Hey, who else can I get revenge on? The Bots are gone.  
TUXEDO: To coin a phrase, "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn," huh?  
S.KNIGHT: (Strikes a pose.) Darn right! Heh heh!  
FALCON: Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!  
TUXEDO: (sigh) Remind me never to anger her. We'll be right back.  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(Falcon Knight is back to human form, pouring hot water from a kettle on his head. Sailor Silver Knight is laughing slightly. Tuxedo Alex is shaking his head.)  
  
TUXEDO: Dang, Silver, your revenges are about as deadly as Happosai's.  
S.KNIGHT: I know...normally, I'm not like this...  
FALCON: I think this Satellite is really affecting our states of mind.  
S.KNIGHT: No kidding.   
FALCON: I think that without the Bots, we're not functioning well up here.  
TUXEDO: Yeah, without them to kick around, were going after eachother!  
S.KNIGHT: I kinda miss them, actually.  
TUXEDO: Huh? You were the one who threw them out the airlock!  
S.KNIGHT: For your information, Tom left on his own accord!  
FALCON: (Sigh) Can you at least not take it out on us?  
  
(The message light starts flashing.)  
  
TUXEDO: And on that note, it's Mousse and Shampoo calling!  
  
(On the hexfield, we see Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank playing a rousing game of Old Maid. Frank has a winning streak going, as portrayed by a chalkboard in the background. As told by the tally marks, Frank is winning 45-0.)  
  
FRANK: Hey, I win again!  
DR. F.: Damn your luck! Forty-five in a row!  
FRANK: Hey, that makes it no experiments for three weeks! Yippee!  
DR. F.: Ugh. (He turns to face the SOL crew.) Oh, hello Prisoners O-Mine! As you can see, Frank and I are enjoying a quiet game of...  
  
(A crash is heard in the background, followed by loud yelling.)  
  
CROW: Hey, Servo! Look at this!  
TOM: Yeah, what does this do?  
DR. F.: No, no, NO, NOT AGAIN!  
FRANK: I'll take the red one, Steve.  
DR. F.: Got ya.  
  
(The camera follows the Mads into the heart of their lab. Tom Servo and Crow are inside reeking havoc.)  
  
FALCON: Tom? Crow?  
CROW: Oh, hi guys! Since Silver shot me out of the air-lock, we ended up here!  
TOM: And we never had so much fun! Hey, what does this button do?  
DR. F.: No, you idiots! Get out of my laboratory!  
  
(One of Dr. Forrester's diabolical inventions explodes into a million pieces.)  
  
FRANK: Well, there goes your Atom-Smasher.  
TUXEDO: So you guys are okay? Nothing happened to you?  
TOM: Well, it kinda hurt reentering Earth's atmosphere, but other than that...  
S.KNIGHT: Hey guys, sorry about the air-lock thing. I was under a lot of stress, and...  
CROW: Eh, don't worry about it! Say, what's in there?  
DR. F.: NO! Not the Incredibly Volital Chemical Room!  
TOM: Hey, maybe we can get something to drink in there!  
CROW: Let's go!  
  
(The Bots run into the room with reckless abandonment.)  
  
FRANK: They could set off the entire HQ!  
DR. F.: Frank, go in there and get them!  
FRANK: I live to serve, Boss.  
  
(Frank runs in after them)  
  
DR. F.: Well, goobers, while Frank is trying to get your tin cans under control, you shall pay for their destructive tendencies.  
TUXEDO: What, with another fanfic?  
FALCON: Face it, Forrester, we weathered everything! From Evil Guy, to the lemons! There's nothing we can't handle!  
DR. F.: Oh, no! NOT THIS TIME! Now, you will feel the extent of my power! I have saved this little slice of heaven for a special occasion, and it seems pretty special enough! To celebrate the near destruction of Deep 13 1/3, I'm sending you the GRANDADDY OF ALL SAILOR MOONLEMONS!  
S.KNIGHT: Oscar wrote another fanfic?!? You gotta be kidding!  
DR. F.: No, not an Oscarfic. But it comes close!  
FALCON: Who, then? Dr. Thinker? Ratcliff's Marrisa Picard series?  
DR. F.: No, you wing-nut! This is a new author, and clearly one of the WORST I ever found. What is coming your way is the GRANDADDY OF THEM ALL! I give you: "Rini's Change of Fortune," by the AP Scout! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(Fireworks seem to go off in the background to enhance dramatic effect. Actually, these came from the chemical room. Frank is seen flying across the screen and slamming into a near-by wall. Tom and Crow walk out of the room with minor damage.)  
  
TOM: That was fun!  
CROW: Lets do it again!  
DR. F.: Enjoy, rat scum! (He faces the robots) I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF MY LAB!  
  
(The hexfield cuts off.)  
  
TUXEDO: A lemon...involving Rini?  
S.KNIGHT: I don't think it's as bad as Dr. F. says it is.  
FALCON: Hey, at least we know the Bots are okay.  
TUXEDO: And that Forrester is getting some payback.  
  
(The klaxons around the room go off.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: And now, we got LEMON SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
@@@@@  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
THEATER  
  
(The three take their seats as follows from right to left: Falcon, Tuxedo, S.Knight.)  
  
'Rini's Change of Fortune  
By the AP Scout APScout@hotmail.com  
(c) 1999  
AR AP M/F  
  
FALCON: Somehow, our fortune doesn't look too good...  
TUXEDO: We'll live, I think.  
  
NOTE: This fanfic is a LEMON. That means it contains sexual scenes that may offend some of you.   
  
S.KNIGHT: Reading the title AND knowing it's a lemon had already offended me.  
  
If you are under eighteen, don't read this fanfic!   
  
TUXEDO: Hey, we're too young!  
FALCON: Whew, that's a relief.  
S.KNIGHT: Let's go.  
(All leave their seats, and exit the theater.)  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(Tuxedo Alex, Silver Knight, and Falcon Knight are all laying back in La-Z-Boy recliners, drinking orange/pineapple juice with little umbrellas sticking out of them.)  
  
TUXEDO: You know, that wasn't half-bad!  
S.KNIGHT: Being young rocks!  
  
(The message light flashes once again.)  
  
FALCON: Damn, Parn and Deedlit are calling again?  
  
(Falcon reaches over and hits the light. Dr. Forrester is on the screen, a livid look on his face.)  
  
DR. F.: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE? You're SUPPOSED to be in THERE!  
S.KNIGHT: Sorry, Doc. We're too young.  
TUXEDO: And by ONE year, too. How sad...  
DR. F.: It doesn't matter if you're too young or not! You watch the experiment, or you get SHOT DOWN WITH NUMEROUS TORPEDOES!  
FALCON: Do you even have any torpedoes?  
DR. F.: Well...Aw, the hell with it. (He presses a button, sending the three youngsters, recliners and all, back into the theater.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
BACK IN THE THEATER  
  
(EDITED OUT TO MAKE THIS PG-13. I APOLOGIZE! REALLY!  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(Sailor Silver Knight is punching on a convenient punching bag, with Tuxedo Alex holding it. Falcon Knight is pouring water from the Spring of Drowned Man on himself, getting rid of his curse.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: That author is toast! (She punches the bag hard.)  
TUXEDO: Face it, Michelle. He's a sex hound in the story. 'Nuff said.  
S.KNIGHT: But he's NOT a sex hound! He's a caring (punch), loving (punch), smart guy! (She performs a roundhouse kick, nearly taking the bag off it's chain.)  
TUXEDO: Watch out! My head nearly came off!  
FALCON: (Walking towards Tuxedo.) I know the truth hurts, but...  
S.KNIGHT: The truth? (punch, punch) THE TRUTH! (punch, punch, kick) THERE IS NO TRUTH IN THIS STORY! SILVER STAR FLOOD!  
  
(Silver floods the bag with a ton of stars, causing the bag to fly across the room, with Alex included. Both land on the opposing wall.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Uh, oh! Alex! Did I hurt you?  
TUXEDO: ......owie....  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry!  
FALCON: Why don't you kiss him and make him all better, huh Silver?  
  
(After smacking Falcon upside the head, Silver runs to Alex' aid.)  
  
TUXEDO: Fear...the wrath...of Sailor Knight Silver...ugh...  
S.KNIGHT: Let's take you to the infirmary...  
FALCON: Anyway, lets check on how the Mads are doing. Heh. What do you think, sirs?  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(Tom and Crow are still running around the place, causing general mischief. Dr. F. and Frank are worn out from chasing them.)  
  
FRANK: This is getting hard!  
DR. F.: Of course it is, Frank! Joel Robinson obviously built these robots well...  
TOM: Hey, give me back my nitro!  
CROW: YOU give me back MY glycerin!  
TOM: Say, why don't we combine them and see what we get, huh?  
CROW: Good idea!  
DR. F.: NO! NO, YOU WALKING DUNG PILES! Frank, push the button NOW!  
FRANK: Got it, Steve!  
  
(As Frank pushes the button, a huge explosion can be herd when the screen goes black.)  
  
FRANK: Uh, Doc? Can you reattach my arm?  
DR. F.: In a second...  
  
@@@@@  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Whew! Well, that was fun, in a sick and twisted sort of way. Let me just say that this fanfic is a challenge for the most part. First, I put Part 1 up for a Live MSTing job at the SVAM web site to see the reactions I got. For those who read it, I commend you on your bravery. I got a few comments myself stating that I was a brave man. And now, I think I am. This fanfic as a whole is a complete waste of talent, or whatever the author used. I'm sorry, but this fanfic could be a whole lot better, if not existing at all. More parts to come. Hope you'll bear with it. Cheers! ^_^  
  
More Disclaimers  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)  
  
Stinger: "Yes, Little Rabbit, soon you will be a big rabbit...and I shall have you." That was such a delicious thought. His manhood rose to the occasion.  



	4. Episode 14: 'Evil Guy From Another Dimen...

Welcome to my dog house! Ready to kick it doggy style? It's...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY: TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 14: EVIL GUY FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION (Part 6)  
(BY JUPITER KNIGHT)  
  
But before we go on, here are some:  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
"Evil Guy From Another Dimension" belongs to Jupiter Knight and he's welcome to it. I take no responsibility for his work. This MST is done completely for fun, and not to totally make fun of the author. Unlike some people, please take this little C&C light-heartedly!  
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(Sailor Silver Knight is standing up, pointing to some words on a screen. Tuxedo Alex and Falcon Knight are both seated, in the middle of a word association game.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, remember, say the first thing that comes to your mind, 'kay?  
TUXEDO: Got'cha.  
FALCON: No problem.  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, here we go. (Points to the first word.) Satellite.  
FALCON: Of Love.  
TUXEDO: Trapped.  
S.KNIGHT: All right. Robots.  
TUXEDO: Tom.  
FALCON: Crow.  
S.KNIGHT: Doctor  
TUXEDO: Foresster.  
FALCON: Foresster.  
S.KNIGHT: Oscar.  
TUXEDO: Headache.  
FALCON: Beastiality.  
S.KNIGHT: Jupiter Knight.  
FALCON: Headache.  
TUXEDO: (Shaking violently.) DAMN PIECE OF (BLEEP)! CAPTURING ME AND PUTING ME INTO THAT FANFIC! ARGH!  
  
(Rises from his seat and rips apart the screen. Falcon and S.Knight run for cover.)  
  
FALCON: Cripes! And he's the most together of all of us!  
S.KNIGHT: I think that title belongs to me, thank you! (Notices Cambot.) Oh, hi all! Welcome back to the SOL. Umm...we'll have to get back to you for obvious reasons. Just hold on...  
  
(Tuxedo Alex is seen chewing on the tattered remains of the screen as the feed cuts off.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SATELLITE  
  
(Tuxedo Alex has calmed down a bit, sitting in the corner. Sailor Silver Knight, the one who sentenced him there, has a look of relief on her face. Falcon Knight is just staring in disbelief.)  
  
FALCON: Damn, you had to be that hard on him?  
S.KNIGHT: I train my men well...wait a minute, who am I talking to?  
FALCON: Aw, be quiet!  
  
(The message light starts to flash.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Oh well. Lina Inverse and Gowry are calling.  
  
(On the hexfield, Dr. F. is seen with tons of papers around him. In the background, we see explosion after explosion, with laughter from the Bots, and Frank being thrown all across the laboratory.)  
  
DR. F.: Greetings, Ash, Misty, and Brock! I trust you enjoyed the lemon I sent you last time?  
S.KNIGHT: About as much as a boot to the head, Doc.  
FALCON: Man, that story just bites!  
DR. F.: Well, I hope you did, because I can't show you anymore.  
FALCON: What? You had a change of heart?  
DR. F.: No, I literally CAN'T show you anymore! It turns out that the Mad Scientists Association condemned that fanfic ages ago. It was too cruel even for their tastes. So now that I showed it to you, they sued me for every penny I owned! That's what all this paperwork is for!  
S.KNIGHT: Yes! Hey Alex! Foresster says "No More RCOF!"  
TUXEDO: ...(Just ignores it, a sullen look on his face.)  
FALCON: I see that our pals haven't caused you too much trouble, huh?  
DR. F.: Frank's on the job as we speak. (Another explosion sends Frank careening into one of the many super computers. Foresster sighs). Anyway, "Evil Guy From Another Dimension" hasn't been outlawed yet, so you're getting Part 6 today!  
TOM: Incoming!  
DR. F.: What? YAGH!  
  
(Dr. F. ducks as TV's Frank heads straight towards the camera of Deep 13 1/3. Frank collides, and the hexfield goes black.)  
  
FALCON: Uh oh...  
S.KNIGHT: How's Alex going to take this...  
TUXEDO: (Slowly rising) I heard.  
FALCON: You okay buddy?  
TUXEDO: Jupiter Knight may have caused me a lot of pain but...(curls his hands into fists)...but I won't let him win! Lets go in there, and riff the hell out of this fanfic!  
FALCON: All right!  
  
(The klaxons go off)  
  
TUXEDO: Okay, every body! WE GOT JUPITER KNIGHT SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
@@@@@  
  
THEATER  
  
(All walk in and take their seats.)  
TUXEDO: Well, back to the hurting.  
S.KNIGHT: At least thanks to the American Legal System, RCOF isn't gonna be inflicted on us!  
FALCON: Be thankful for lawyers, people.  
  
Whee. I'm on a roll.   
  
S.KNIGHT: It's fresh out of the oven and has butter on it!  
  
I lied last time. I said BSSMK episode 9 would be done next, but it isn't. It's underway, though. I was just in the perfect mood to write this.   
  
TUXEDO (Jupiter Knight): My crack dealer just got his new shipment in!  
  
Anyway, here we go with the wackiness.  
  
FALCON: Translated, he's going to whack off.  
TUXEDO: ADAM!  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Sailor Moon: The Evil Guy From Another Dimension  
By Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight)  
  
Part 6 - Chibi Chibi. Chibi? Chibi! Chibi Chibi, Chibi.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, Lord...  
FALCON: The useless cast of characters continue to grow...  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Last time on EGFAD:  
  
TUXEDO: We find out that Saddam Hussein doesn't have the "nukes" to stand up to the Senshi.  
  
Saddam became frightened and ran away from the speeches of the Senshi and friends.   
  
FALCON: Normally, they make people fall asleep. This IS a parallel universe!  
S.KNIGHT: Hush up, Bird Boy.  
  
The leather Senshi have arrived, making things even more frightening.   
  
TUXEDO: Girls in leather! Run!  
FALCON: Scantily clad women!....Uh...run...  
TUXEDO: Yeah...run...  
(Both men start to drool. Sailor Silver Knight gets slightly ticked off.)  
S.KNIGHT: Guys...  
(Both men still stare at the screen, uninterrupted.)  
S.KNIGHT: GUYS!  
(Their attention is still upon the screen.)  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, that does it! SILVER STAR FLOOD!  
(A huge wave of stars send the two guys into the walls of the theater, creating Tuxedo Alex and Falcon Knight sized dents in the walls.)  
FALCON: Owie...  
S.KNIGHT: I think the Bots have rubbed off on you a little too much.  
TUXEDO: I think you're right...ow...  
(The two return to their seats, limping.)  
  
What's next? Maybe random villains from the past? Maybe more witty dialogue between Haruka and Michiru?   
  
TUXEDO (Haruka): So, what do you want to do today?  
S.KNIGHT (Michiru): I dunno, what do you want to do?  
TUXEDO (Haruka): Now don't start that again!  
  
Maybe more non-existent plot?   
  
FALCON: You mean what the last five parts were? Nah, couldn't be.  
  
Who knows?  
And on with the show.  
  
S.KNIGHT: We interrupt you from your annoying commercials to bring you something MORE annoying!  
  
The Evil Guy sat on the throne, reading the newspaper.   
  
TUXEDO (Evil Guy): Damn constipation...  
S.KNIGHT: Not you, too...  
  
He was waiting for his next chump, er, henchman.   
  
S.KNIGHT: Er, chump.  
  
He heard a knock on the door. It was him.  
"Just a moment," said Evil Guy.  
  
FALCON (Evil guy): My microwave popcorn's almost done!  
  
"No hurry," said the man outside.  
Evil Guy stood up and flushed the toilet, then pulled his pants up.   
  
ALL: (groan)  
FALCON: We really needed image.  
  
He made sure he washed his hands, because he was going to eat a sandwich later.   
  
ALL: (more groaning)  
TUXEDO: Nothing like detailing the BAD stuff, right JK?  
S.KNIGHT: Then this story is the most descriptive piece of crap ever written.  
  
He then opened the door. The man outside fainted, or possibly died from the smell. No, he just fainted.  
  
TUXEDO: Just to make sure, Evil Guy lit a match, and blew himself up. The End.  
FALCON: So, what's on Saturday Anime?  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Okay, you are to kill the Senshi, or at the very least, make a complete fool of yourself," said Evil Guy.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Does that even have to be riffed?  
  
"I'll make them sweat with the oldies," said the man.   
  
FALCON: Aw, geez...  
TUXEDO: First there's Hortense, then Saddam Hussein, now RICHARD SIMMONS?  
  
"I, the 4th cousin, 3 times removed of Richard Simmons, Simon Simmons, will make sure they die of dehydration after they sweat a lot!!!!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: Well, at least it isn't Richard!  
TUXEDO: There's no difference. We're doomed.  
  
"Very good, very good. Go do it!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Usagi walked up to Mamoru and said, "Mamo-chan, is my body pleasing? Do you want to see my naked body?"  
  
FALCON: Heh heh heh...maybe this fanfic isn't so bad...  
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARR...  
FALCON: All right! All right! Sorry!  
  
"Yes, I would like to see your naked body. Yes, it is pleasing,"he answered.  
"Mamo-chan, is my body pleasing? Do you want to see my nakedbody?" asked Rei.  
"Yes, I would like to see your naked body. Yes, it is pleasing,"he answered.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Gee, notice a trend?  
FALCON: Yeah. It is pleasing.  
TUXEDO: You're pushing it...  
  
"Mamo-chan, is my body pleasing? Do you want to see my nakedbody?" asked Ami.  
"Yes, I would like to see your naked body. Yes, it is pleasing,"he answered.  
To avoid redundancy, Makoto and Minako did the same.  
  
FALCON: And I avoided redundancy by saying "Suck it!" about 75 times.  
TUXEDO: And I avoided redundancy by saying "No I'm not that kind of person" about 75 times.  
FALCON: Bite me!...wait...  
  
"Haruka, is my body pleasing? Do you want to see my naked body?"asked Michiru.  
"Yes, I would like to see your naked body. Yes, it is pleasing,"she answered.  
"Copycats!" exclaimed Usagi.  
  
S.KNIGHT (Usagi): You stole my horny comments! I'm telling Mom!  
  
* * * * *  
  
Under the umbrella, a small girl with red hair and heart shaped odango said, "Chibi."  
  
TUXEDO: Oh, damn.  
S.KNIGHT: Cuteness factor at 12:00!  
FALCON: RUN!  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Oh damn," said the reader.  
  
TUXEDO: ...Okay, JK, that was a cheap shot!  
S.KNIGHT: Wow, this fanfic really does probe our minds...  
  
* * * * *  
  
"It's been three days since Chibiusa returned to the future.   
  
FALCON (Usagi): Party at my house!  
  
Ihope she made back okay," said Usagi.  
"Oh, she should be fine," said Setsuna while smoking weed.  
  
TUXEDO: Okay, she does smoke weed, but does she do smack?  
FALCON: Does she do speed? Does she do crack?  
S.KNIGHT: Does she chew 'shrooms? Does she drink beer?  
FALCON: We gotta make a few things clear!  
TUXEDO: Damn, Eminem is a good rapper!  
  
* * * * *  
  
Meanwhile, on a desolate and cold Earth, sometime just after the turn of the century, that is a bit after 2000, Chibiusa and Diana stood on some street in Tokyo looking around for the Crystal Palace.  
  
FALCON (Nelson): Ha, ha!  
  
"Diana, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," said Chibiusa.  
  
S.KNIGHT (singing): Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high, there is the SOL and fanfics to make you cry...  
  
"Kansas? Where's that?" asked Diana.  
  
TUXEDO (Olly): Off the coast of Kentucy, I believe.  
S.KNIGHT (Sifl): Don't you know what our biggest state is?  
TUXEDO (Olly): Canada, what else?  
FALCON: I think you two do MTV to death.  
  
"How the hell should I know? I'm not the one typing!" exclaimed Chibiusa.   
  
TUXEDO: Trust me, Chibiusa, you could do a better job.  
  
"I think Puu messed up."  
  
TUXEDO: Mr. Hankey has a Japanese name?  
FALCON: Messed up in putting Chibiusa here, or messing up her mind with drugs?  
S.KNIGHT: No and Yes.  
  
"No duh, Small Lady," said Diana.  
  
TUXEDO (Chibiusa): Oh, talk to the hand, cause the face don't understand!  
  
* * * * *  
  
"I, Simon Simmons, aka Simon^2, will get you Senshi!"   
  
FALCON (Dr. Claw): ...next time! Next time!  
  
exclaimed Simon. With his pear shaped body, he plodded down the road towards the Shaprin fitness center. "First, I need to get in shape!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, so it's the fat, ugly, balding cousin of Richard Simmons.  
TUXEDO: Take away "fat", and you HAVE Richard Simmons.  
  
He came up to the door and read a poster, "Special guest this week, Richard Simmons."  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" exclaimed Simon^2.  
  
FALCON: But it turned out to be the Robotic Richard Simmons by mistake, and he exploded, taking out Simon^2. The End.  
S.KNIGHT: So, what's on Saturday Anime?  
  
* * * * *  
  
At the shrine, all nine of the Senshi were sitting around doing things and stuff,   
  
TUXEDO: You know, creating new molecular compounds, solving the world hunger crisis, signing world peace treaties. Just stuff.  
  
when the small girl walked in the door.  
"Chibi," she said.  
  
FALCON: Kawaii Alert!  
S.KNIGHT: Hide the women and children!  
TUXEDO: Great, that leaves me to fend for myself!  
FALCON: Wait...are you saying that I'm a child?  
TUXEDO: No, I'm calling you a woman. What did you think?  
(Silver Knight cracks up while Falcon sinks into his seat.)  
  
"OH NO! It's horrible!" exclaimed Usagi. "I want my mommy!"  
  
S.KNIGHT (Usagi): It's so horrible! I need to know how to get MY hair like that, but I can't!  
  
"Calm down, Usagi-chan," said Ami. "It's only another young girl that looks like you."  
"Like you," said the girl.  
  
TUXEDO (Chibi-Chibi): Like you, I've been thrown into this plotless story by this brain-dead author.  
  
"Oh. Hey little girl that looks like me, what's your name?" asked Usagi.  
"Chibi. Chibi Chibi."  
"Oooookay, where are you from?"  
  
FALCON: iM fRoM a PlAcE wHeRe ThE hOrRiFyInG hElL bEaStS rOaM. I aM cAlLeD tOrGo!  
OTHERS: GAH! Adam!  
  
"You from?"  
Usagi sweatdropped. "This is scary. It's like deja vu."  
  
S.KNIGHT: This fanfic is scary. Everything we say somehow appears in the text.  
TUXEDO: Kinda like a parrot, huh?  
  
"Deja vu."  
Setsuna, still a bit stoned, said, "She's like, you know, parrot girl."  
"Parrot girl. Chibi."  
  
TUXEDO: ...OKAY, THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH THIS MIND PROBING FANFIC!  
FALCON: Woah, settle down.  
TUXEDO: Sorry...damn Jupiter Knight...  
  
* * * * *  
  
S.KNIGHT: Pinball Bumpers!  
TUXEDO: We're running out of original comments for the dividing lines, aren't we?  
S.KNIGHT: Yep...  
  
"That's it! This time we will kill you, Simon^2!" exclaimed Sailor Moon.  
  
ALL: WOAH! (Rocking in their seats.)  
FALCON: Talk about being violently thrown into the next scene!  
  
"What the hell? Nice scene change," said Simon^2.  
"Scene change."  
  
TUXEDO: And now, to quote from Megane 6.7...  
ALL: SCEEEEEEEENE CHAAAAAAAAAANGE! SCEEEEEEEEEEENE CHAAAAAAAAAAANGE!  
TUXEDO: Thank you.  
  
"Dammit! Is she still here?!" exclaimed Sailor Moon. "I have gone through an immediate scene change and an unscheduled mood swing! I am really pissed off!   
  
S.KNIGHT (Sailor Moon): I have been using my dialogue in the descriptive sense a while now!  
  
Now, where is Mamo-chan?"  
  
FALCON: Boffing with Raye and Rini. You're point?  
TUXEDO: AUGH! RINI'S CHANGE OF FORTUNE FLASHBACK!!!  
S.KNIGHT: He read ahead in that one, didn't he?  
FALCON: Poor guy.  
  
*SNAP* *SNAP* *SNAP*  
  
TUXEDO: The bras of all the Sailor Senshi fell off simultaneously, exposing their bare chests.  
FALCON: YES! OH, YES!  
S.KNIGHT: Alex, stop catering to the hentai!  
TUXEDO: Sorry.  
  
The Senshi and Simon^2 look around.  
  
S.KNIGHT (Random Senshi): (whistling) Well, this is rather boring, just looking around, don't you think?  
TUXEDO (Simon^2): I agree.  
  
"If you are affiliated with Sailor Galaxia, say your prayers," said one of the leather Senshi.  
  
FALCON (Simon^2): Nope, sure ain't. Sorry.  
S.KNIGHT (Leather Senshi): Oh...okay. Guess we can take off, eh guys?  
  
"Who are you? And this is not in the anime timeline, or even the manga timeline," said Sailor Pluto.  
  
TUXEDO (Pluto): Actually it is, but the author filled me up with drugs, so who knows what's going on?  
  
"Sailor Star Fighter!"  
"Sailor Star Maker!"  
"Sailor Star Healer!"  
"Stage on!"  
  
TUXEDO: Then when Simon^2 blasted the hell out of them, they said:  
ALL: STAGE OUT!  
  
"Didn't you say that last time?" asked Sailor Moon.  
Simon^2 interrupted them and asked, "I need a proper introduction from you guys. I have no idea which one is which."  
  
FALCON: Aw, hell, they're gonna go through the complicated introduction phase again?  
  
Sailor Moon sighed and said, "Here we go again. I am Sailor Moon! Yadda yadda yadda, tsuki ni kawatte oshioki yo!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: Looks that way.  
FALCON: Dammit!  
  
"I am Sailor Mercury! I'm smart, I wear blue! Don't you dare send me a love letter, or I will exterminate you!"  
"I am Sailor Mars! My grandfather is a pervert! I go to a Catholic school and I'm Shinto!   
  
TUXEDO (Rei): My turn-ons are talks by a cozy fire place and making Yuuichiro's life a living hell!  
  
That's some information you didn't need!"  
"I am Sailor Jupiter! My talent in skating and my talent in cooking will astonish you! But my overall talent is something that will outclass you by a mile!"  
  
FALCON: And that would be...  
S.KNIGHT: Adam...  
FALCON: Um...martial arts!  
TUXEDO: Good save.  
  
"I am Sailor Venus! 2 + 2 = 5! On behalf of punishment, I will moon you!"  
"That's wrong, Venus-chan," said Sailor Jupiter.  
"It is?" asked Sailor Venus. She turned around, aimed her ass at Simon^2, and bent over.  
  
ALL: (Sounds of pain and agony.)  
S.KNIGHT: Of all the ways a phrase like that could've been turned around...  
  
"I am Sailor Pluto! I am really stoned and I think I'm going to throw up!   
  
TUXEDO: (Holds up an umbrella) Not on us you're not!  
FALCON: I don't think on us, Alex.  
TUXEDO: But this is "Evil Guy"! I'm just getting prepared.  
  
Small Lady is in the 21st century!"  
"WHAT?!?!" exclaimed Sailor Moon.  
  
ALL: SHE SAID: "SMALL LADY IS IN THE 21ST CENTURY!"  
  
"I am Sailor Neptune! The sea tells me that you don't drink enough water! It's required for healthy living!"  
"I am Sailor Uranus!   
  
FALCON (Uranus): If you show me Uranus, I'll show you mine!  
OTHERS: ADAM!  
  
You can't have Neptune! She's my lover!"  
"I am Sailor Saturn! I may be chronologically challenged, but that doesn't mean I can't be a messiah!"  
  
TUXEDO: I thought people like her were to be called "Agely Impared."  
  
"Chibi Chibi. Chibi? Chibi! Chibi Chibi, Chibi."  
  
S.KNIGHT: Loosely translated, "Small small. Small? Small! Small small, small."  
FALCON: It's Michelle and her working knowledge of Japanese!  
  
"I am Luna! This is my only line in this fanfic, so it better be good!"  
  
TUXEDO: Wow, that line sucked, don't you think?  
S.KNIGHT: Yeah. What a bad line.  
  
"I am Artemis! That was a bad line, Luna!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: ......  
FALCON: Do we duck now?  
TUXEDO: Yep.  
S.KNIGHT: This is for probing my mind! SILVER STAR FLOOD!  
(Both men duck under their seats as Sailor Silver Knight blasts the screen with energy stars. Unfortunately, the stars reflect off of the screen and start to bounce around the theater.)  
TUXEDO: Take cover!  
FALCON: What are you, nuts?  
S.KNIGHT: It's not my fault the screen's protected!  
(The stars dissipate, and everyone returns to their seats.)  
S.KNIGHT: Sorry, guys. Really!  
TUXEDO: Apologies later. Finishing the fanfic now.  
  
"I am Motoki! Keep it down out there! No one can hear the video games!"  
"Gomen nasai, Motoki-oniisan!" exclaimed Sailor Moon.  
  
FALCON (Sailor Moon): We'll stop the fanfic for you Motoki!  
TUXEDO: I wish THAT would be picked up from our minds.  
  
"I am Sailor Juno! Don't ask me why I'm here, but I'm in the mood for some action!"  
  
FALCON: Then why don't you come to my place and...  
TUXEDO: (Punches Falcon in the head.) ADAM!  
  
"I am Sailor Vesta! This fuku is so much better than what I woren with the Dead Moon Circus!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: Woren?  
TUXEDO: Remember, he's from Canada.  
FALCON: Good point.  
  
"I am Sailor Ceres! Yeah, but those were more revealing!"  
"I am Sailor Pallas! If you have a toothache, I'll rip your head off!"  
"Good grief, two parts in a row. Run while you can, Simon^2," said Saddam Hussein from the sidewalk.   
  
TUXEDO: Hussein's a common bum now?  
S.KNIGHT: See what failing Evil Guy gets you? You lose your dignity AND your position of power.  
  
"And Sailor Senshi, I won't bother you anymore. President Clinton's problems are perfect for my plan to take over the United States."  
  
FALCON: So Saddam is gonna claim that he had an affair with Clinton?  
S.KNIGHT: Adam...  
  
Simon^2 didn't listen to his predecessor. "Sailor Senshi, die by Sweatin' With the Oldies! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough* *cough*"  
  
TUXEDO: Sorry, we fixed the heater a couple of weeks ago. We're pretty comfortable right now, actually.  
  
The Senshi went into a huddle,   
  
FALCON: Set, 22! Red 23! Hut, hut, HIKE!  
  
Sailor Moon saying, "Should we take him now or let him think he's winning for a while?"  
"Let's have fun with him," said Sailor Uranus.  
  
S.KNIGHT (Uranus): I got the whip!  
TUXEDO (Neptune): Handcuffs are my department!  
FALCON (Pluto): I'll get the candles. Be right back!  
  
"Sounds fine by me," said Sailor Mercury, who then blushed.  
"By me," said Chibi Chibi.  
  
TUXEDO: Sorry you had to be put in this compromising position, Amy.  
  
"Star Serious Laser!" exclaimed Sailor Star Fighter.  
"You've got to be kidding," said Simon^2.  
"I said serious!"  
  
FALCON (Star Fighter): Yep. Nuthin' funny 'bout that!  
  
"Star Sensitive Inferno!" exclaimed Sailor Star Healer.  
"A sensitive inferno?" asked Simon^2. "That's almost an oxymoron."  
  
TUXEDO: Oxymoron. Definition: A zit-covered fanfic author.  
S.KNIGHT: Clever.  
  
"Star Gentle Uterus!" exclaimed Sailor Star Maker.  
Simon^2 fell down laughing at that one. At that moment, all three attacks hit him and he was fried, sunny side up.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Rats. I like my villains scrambled.  
  
"Hmm. Were you even listening to us?" asked Sailor Moon.  
"No, we were on top of this building. Going into a huddle with you would be a bit difficult from here," said Sailor Star Fighter.  
  
FALCON: But then, they decided "what the hell", fell off the building to join the huddle, crashing into the Scouts and flattening them. The end.  
S.KNIGHT: So, what's on Saturday Anime?  
  
"That's no excuse, you invaders from outside the solar system!" exclaimed Sailor Uranus.  
Hey, no name calling!" exclaimed Sailor Star Healer.  
  
TUXEDO: Doo-doo head!  
S.KNIGHT: Poopy Pants!  
FALCON: Butt licker!  
TUXEDO: GAH! RCOF FLASHBACK!  
FALCON: Sorry. Heh.  
  
"Name calling!" exclaimed Chibi Chibi. "Chibi."  
"However, she's cute," said Sailor Star Maker.  
"Chibi Chibi. Chibi? Chibi! Chibi Chibi, Chibi."  
  
S.KNIGHT: ARGH! It's the title again!  
TUXEDO: The fanfic's skipping!  
FALCON: Not again!  
  
* * * * *  
  
Next time on The Evil Guy From Another Dimension:  
  
TUXEDO: Oh. (whew) That's a relief.  
  
Usagi: Okay, don't tell me there's going to be more.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Finally, Usagi's coming to her senses!  
  
Setsuna: I cannot tell you about the future.  
Rei: But I can. I'll just use the nifty psychic thingy I have!  
  
FALCON (Rei): I picked it up at the Dollar Store! It's neat!  
  
Michiru: The sea is calm. It seems someone may try BSSMK episode 9.  
Uranus: Just because you're sort of the star of that episode, you had to mention it.  
Michiru: Of course I did.  
  
MAGIC VOICE: SELF PLUG ALERT! SELF PLUG ALERT!  
TUXEDO: Okay, who installed that alarm?  
S.KNIGHT: It was for you to keep quiet about "Return of the Jedite"!  
MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! FOURTH WALL ALERT!  
(Both alarms ring at full blast.)  
FALCON: MY EARS!  
TUXEDO: SILVER!  
S.KNIGHT: Sorry! Sorry! I apologize!  
(Both alarms cut off.)  
TUXEDO: Finally.  
FALCON: What?  
S.KNIGHT: He said "Finally."  
FALCON: What?  
  
There we go, 2 parts in less than a week. Frightening.   
  
TUXEDO: No argument here.  
FALCON: What?  
  
I think I'll go post this to afs-m, then e-mail it to A&L of ASMR. Sound like a plan? Oh yeah, Jackie, here's another part!!!!  
  
TUXEDO & S.KNIGHT: GYAAAHHH! Not another part!  
FALCON: What?  
TUXEDO: Shut up, Adam.  
FALCON: WHAT?  
  
Comments, praise, irritated comments, etc, can be directed to jarcher@direct.ca. You can find the previous 5 parts at http://www.dragonfire.net/~JupiterKnight/fica_b.htm under Jay Dee Archer.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Finally, it's over!  
FALCON: What?  
TUXEDO: (Yelling) WE CAN GO NOW!  
FALCON: Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?  
(Falcon Knight gets whacked in the head again, and the three heroes leave.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SATELLITE  
  
(The three heroes sit around each with a Chibi-Chibi parrot doll sitting on their shoulders.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Tuxy, are you sure these are cool? (Chibi-cool!)  
TUXEDO: Trust me, these are my latest creations! Just like that Parrot girl in the fanfic! (Chibi-fanfic!)  
FALCON: But isn't she annoying enough? (Chibi-enough!)  
TUXEDO: Well, I guess it would be cool for all the Sailor Moon fans... (Chibi-fans!)  
S.KNIGHT: Okay Alex. I think we've been cooped up on this Satellite too long... (Chibi-long!)  
FALCON: I gotta agree with her, buddy. (Chibi-buddy!)  
TUXEDO: Yeah, I guess you're right. (Chibi-right!)  
  
(All three take their parrot-dolls and throw them on the floor.)  
  
FALCON: It's been such a long time since we were off this thing...  
S.KNIGHT: And the worst thing is, there's nothing we can do.  
TUXEDO: There's gotta be something! I mean, someone's gotta know we're here! If I have to spend one more second up here, I'm gonna...  
  
(All of the sudden, the three heroes disappear into thin air. After a few moments, Dr. F. tries to contact them through radio communication, the only thing working thanks to the Bots.)  
  
DR. F.: Hello! Hello! Answer me, scum of the universe! This isn't funny!  
PARROT DOLL: Chibi-funny!  
  
(TO BE CONTINUED...)  
  
@@@@@  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Another day, another part of Evil Guy From Another Dimension to riff, eh? I got a lot of guff from good ol' AP Scout, which is why I'm not riffing his fanfic anymore. I guess some people don't have a sense of humor. Well, on to hopefully greener pastures with the next part of Evil Guy on the way. Until next time!  
  
Quick Note...  
  
When I posted Episodes 10 and 11 to Fanfiction.net, they seem to have gone unnoticed. I do wish that you go back and check them out, as one is a alightly tearful season finale, and the other is another gut-wretching Evil Guy episode. Go on! Enjoy them! Go on...go...enjoy...............you know, you can leave anytime...wait...NO! DON'T LEAVE THE COMPUTER! DON'T TURN IT OFF...ugh, I should really be more careful with my words...  
  
More Disclaimers  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)  
  
Stinger: "Chibi Chibi. Chibi? Chibi! Chibi Chibi, Chibi."  



	5. Episode 15: 'Evil Guy From Another Dimen...

Finally, The ROCK (tm) has come BACK TO...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY: TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 15: EVIL GUY FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION (Part 7-9)  
(BY JUPITER KNIGHT)  
  
But before we go on, here are some:  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
"Evil Guy From Another Dimension" belongs to Jupiter Knight and he's welcome to it. The riffing is not to insult the author, or the fanfic itself. It is to be taken light-heartedly. By the way, I hope you enjoy this edition! I riffed it with you in mind!  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(Dr. Clayton Forrester is seen finally getting some visual equipment hooked up to his end of the hexfield. It had been several hours since TV's Frank collided with Deep 13 1/3's communication console, putting temporarily out of commission. After connecting the last few wires underneath the console, he flips a few switches and powers it on.)  
  
DR. F.: Power levels normal...frame rate okay...good, everything is up and running. With visual contact back, I can finally see what those boobies are up to! They'll pay for not answering my calls!  
  
(Forrester flips some more switches and presses the button to start the transmission. In the viewscreen, he sees the bridge of the SOL. It is empty, lifeless, except for a few small Chibi-Chibi toys on the floor. Forrester is very irate.)  
  
DR. F.: Calling my subjects! Calling my subjects...ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!  
CHIBI: Chibi-Dammit!  
DR. F.: (Muttering) Stupid boobies...  
CHIBI: Chibi-bobies!  
  
(Forrester angrily cuts off the feed and and takes a few steps away from the communications area.)  
  
DR. F.: This is the SECOND TIME they did this to me! Where the hell can they be?  
  
(After a few more explosions in the background, a charred TV's Frank limps in, carrying TOM Servo in his left hand, and Crow in his right.)  
  
FRANK: Look, Steve! Look! * cough * * cough * I caught 'em! * wheeze * I caught 'em!  
DR. F.: (Looks on in amazement.) Wow...Frank...you've overcome your ineptitude and done something right!  
FRANK: It's a * hack * a dream come true!  
TOM: I told you not to use the "Freeze Myself" gun, Crow! You got us caught!  
CROW: Oh yeah, like that stopped you from using it!  
TOM: How could I? My arms don't work, remember?  
CROW: So what? You pulled the trigger with your mouth!  
TOM: Did not!  
CROW: Did too!  
DR. F.: Shut up! You two "yolks" are going back to your eggshell prison immediately!  
TOM: We don't wanna!  
CROW: We don't even like eggs!  
FRANK: Make my eggs fried!  
DR F.: (Slapping his forehead.) Frank, I think catching these metallic shells fried your brain sunny-side up.  
CROW: Yep. Totally scrambled it.  
DR. F.: Quit runny your mouth, yolks! (He raises his hand to slap Crow.)  
TOM: Don't hit us, you poachers!  
CROW: Take the non-violent route, like the simple Omelet people!  
FRANK: That's Amish.  
CROW: Whatever.  
DR. F.: Shut up! You will stop this nonsense NOW!  
FRANK: (Starting to sweat): Better do what he says...  
TOM: Hey, Frank's is turning egg white!  
CROW: What's the matter, Frank? Chicken?  
DR. F.: (Starts to turn red.) Why you...you...  
CROW: Oh, come on! That was worth at least a cluckle!  
DR. F.: You REALLY like to ham it up, don't you?  
TOM: Geez, with a Benedict the size of a chickpea, you really don't like to yolk much, do you?  
DR. F: AAAAAUUUUUGH! I'M GOING TO SEND YOU TO THE DEVILED EGGS!...(BLEEP)! NOW YOU GOT ME DOING IT!  
  
(Forrester goes over to a group of armaments and grabs a flame thrower. Charging it up, he points it to Frank and the Bots in a fitful rage, not caring if he burns his assistant for the 47,836th consecutive time. However, before he pulls the trigger, Tom and Crow vanish from Frank's hands without a trace. This stops Forrester short of firing.)  
  
DR. F.: What the hell?  
FRANK: Oh my Lord! I disintegrated the robots!  
DR. F.: No you didn't! They disappeared!  
FRANK: Exactly! I made them go poof!  
DR. F.: (Clocks Frank upside the head.) Damn, firs the heroes, now the aluminum foil. There has to be a connection here somewhere...  
FRANK: Those guys could be anywhere by now...  
DR. F.: Hell, they're probably saving the world right now...damn them...  
FRANK: Putting right where there is wrong...  
DR. F.: Triumphing over evil...  
FRANK: Telling the government of our top secret experiments...  
DR. F.: Yeah...(Double takes, and breaks into a cold sweat.) Frank?  
FRANK: Yeah?  
DR. F.: Ready to burn some evidence?  
  
@@@@@  
  
UNKNOWN LOCATION  
  
"Huh? What happened to us?"  
  
"What is this place?"  
  
"And why are we talking like this now?"  
  
"Don't break the fourth wall, Adam."  
  
"Oops! Sorry."  
  
"It's okay. But still, this is really confusing."  
  
"First we're on the SOL, and now...we're here?!?"   
  
The trio of heroes took a moment to gaze at their surroundings. The place they had appeared in was vastly different than the cramped confines of the Satellite of Love. They were in a field of lush, green grass, which seemed to extend forever in the distance. There were trees scattered throughout the field, with each one having leaves of a different color. The trees towered over all that drew breath, proving that they had been growing for thousands of years. Clear blue was the color of the sky, with nary a cloud to be seen. The sun was shining brightly, touching everyone and everything with its warmth. In the distance, mountains that extended even higher than the noble trees were seen. To the far left of them was a giant waterfall, which emptied out into a nearby stream. It was the most beautiful place the three had ever seen, however, a bit peculiar.  
  
Falcon Knight had an odd look on his face. "Did we just step into the Twilight Zone or something?" he said.  
  
"That's what I'm trying to figure out," Tuxedo Alex remarked. He began to pace back and forth, wondering who, or what, brought him and his friends to this place. "This isn't right. First we're on a hellish space station, and now we're on a heavenly field?"  
  
Sailor Silver Knight joined him in his pacing. "It does seem odd," she said. "But you have to admit, this place is beautiful."  
  
Tuxedo Alex took her hand. "I'm not saying that it isn't. It just seems like a secret trap Forrester set up, or something."  
  
Falcon Knight placed his hand on top of Alex' and Silver's. "I now pronounce you man and wife!" he proclaimed.  
  
Within a few seconds, Tuxedo Alex had five roses aimed at Falcon's head, while Silver Knight had an arrow ready to fire from her bow. "What was that?" they both said simultaneously.  
  
Falcon laughed his head off. "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist," he said between laughs. "Since we are off the Satellite, after all, I decided to have a little fun. Can't you take a joke?"  
  
"Not if it's directed towards us!" Tuxedo said sternly.  
  
Falcon backed off. "Okay, sorry! Seriously though, I'm not getting a full sense of comfort here myself."  
  
"Me either," agreed Silver Knight. "It may be beautiful on the outside, but it might be an illusion, or a trap, or something of the like."  
  
Suddenly, they heard a noise coming from behind them. Turning around, they saw that a somewhat large energy disk had appeared. It hovered parallel to the ground a few feet upwards, spiraling with colors of purple and blue.  
  
"What the..." stuttered Tuxedo Alex.  
  
"It's a spacial rift," Sailor Silver Knight exclaimed. "I've seen them before."  
  
"Can we stop it?" asked Falcon Knight.  
  
"Stay as far back as you can from these things!" Silver shouted. "These rifts are very unstable. They could do a number of things."  
  
"Like what?" asked Tuxedo Alex.  
  
"Some could suck in matter like a black hole," she explained "others can send out lightning from their centers, which fry everything in the area it appears. On rare occasions, they're used to teleport people, although I've never seen it done. The best we can do is wait it out."  
  
The colors of the rift soon began to spiral faster and faster. Voices could be heard; growing louder as the disk spiraled. "What the hell is going on!" shouted the first voice.  
  
"I don't know, but this sure is fun!" exclaimed the other.  
  
"Hey, you're right! WHEEEEEEEE!"  
  
"YAHOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!"  
  
Suddenly, two familiar figures dropped out of the disk and onto the ground. The spacial rift disappeared right afterwards.  
  
The heroes recognized them immediately. "Tom?" said a shocked Tuxedo Alex.  
  
"Crow?" remarked the likewise Falcon Knight.  
  
"Guys?" the Bots exclaimed.  
  
Sailor Silver Knight was impressed, for it was the first time she saw a spacial rift teleport someone to a new location. "What in the world are you two doing here?"  
  
Tom shook his domed head. "I have no idea," he replied. "The last thing I remember is talking about eggs with Forrester and Frank."  
  
"Yeah, me too," Crow added. "Then we slid down this tunnel thing, and we ended up here!"  
  
"Wherever 'here' is," said Tom.  
  
It was then Tom and Crow took a good look at their surroundings. Their speech chips could not come up with anything to describe the beauty they saw. In essence, they were speechless.  
  
"This is...definitely not the Satellite!" Crow exclaimed after a period.  
  
"I've never seen anything like it," Tom said in awe, almost a whisper.  
  
"Does...does this mean we're free?" Crow asked.  
  
"I'm not too sure, guys," said Tuxedo Alex, putting a slight damper on the mood. "We still have to figure out if this is a trap or not."  
  
"Touché," said Tom. "But hey, if it isn't, no more bad fanfics!"  
  
Crow stood up from the ground. "No more bad movies!"  
  
The robots began to do a do-si-do of happiness. The heroes tried hard to hide their laughing inside them. It was very interesting to see Tom square dancing without any legs. All the while, the robots were chanting "No more Frank and Forrester! No more Frank and Forrester!"  
  
After a few minutes, the robots cut out the impromptu hoedown, and walked over to the heroes. "Hey, we really missed you guys," said Tom.  
  
"Yeah, I have to admit, it just wasn't the same without you around," said Sailor Silver Knight.  
  
"Oh, and by the way," Crow added, "there is a little matter about the air-lock..."  
  
Silver took her attacking stance. "SILVER STAR..." she screamed.  
  
Crow backed up immediately. "Whoa, hey! I was only kidding!"  
  
Silver soon dropped out of her stance after that. "Just keeping you on your toes, buddy!"  
  
@@@@@  
  
A FEW FEET AWAY...  
  
During Sailor Silver Knight's conversation with the Bots, Tuxedo Alex took a few steps away from the group to clear his head. The last couple of months had been very taxing on him, physically and spiritually. First off, he had been kidnapped by Jupiter Knight and forced to be part of his unholy fan fiction. Then, as soon as he was rescued, he was brought aboard the Satellite of Love with two robots and a guy named Joel, along with Sailor Silver Knight. Now, instead of acting, he was reading unholy fan fiction. Soon afterwards, Jason Halloway was beamed aboard. He seemed nice enough, but then he snapped and took Joel to the only remaining escape pod. Falcon Knight had crashed into the SOL soon before this, and was brought aboard by Dr. Forrester, however, with Joel gone, his moral started to decline. The fanfics seemed to get longer, and even more incoherent. The hentai comments made by the Bots and Falcon Knight on occasion were really getting to him. And now he was brought to an entirely new place in an instant. Alex didn't know what to expect next, and the scared him a little. He thought he was lucky that he hadn't gone mad by now.  
  
It wasn't long before Falcon Knight noticed he was gone. Spotting Tuxedo a few yards away, he ran over to check on him. "Hey, Alex!" Adam said with a big grin on his face. "Where you goin'?"  
  
Alex turned to face his friend, although looking very worse for the wear. "Hey, Adam," he said without much emotion.  
  
Falcon took this as a bad sign. "You all right, man?" he asked.  
  
"Just peachy, Falcon. Peachy," said a sarcastic Tuxedo.  
  
"You don't sound like it," Falcon said. "What's the matter?"  
  
"What's the matter?" Tuxedo countered. "The matter is that I've been a captive for two whole months now! First by Jupiter Knight, then by Forrester, now here! I have not once been free to do what I want to do!"  
  
This statement took Falcon aback. He never knew that his friend had taken this so hard. "Well, at least the fanfics we can handle, right?"  
  
"Adam, fanfics are fanfics. They are little words on paper that make no sense, well, at least the ones we've read. The fanfics I can handle. Even the really bad ones with poorly written sex scenes, and grammar mistakes the size of Neptune. I can handle those. It's just...it's just the notion that I'll never see the light of day again..."  
  
Falcon Knight looked grim. "Man, I...I don't know what to say."  
  
"Don't say anything," said Tuxedo Alex, a small smile appearing on his face. "I just needed an ear to listen to me. Thanks."  
  
Falcon patted Alex on the back. "Hey, no problem. Wanna go back and join the others?"  
  
"Sure, why not?" said Alex. "We got nothing better to do, right?"  
  
@@@@@  
  
ORIGINAL UNKNOWN LOCATION  
  
As Sailor Silver Knight finished retelling the horrors of what fanfics they had to go through while the Bots were away, she saw Falcon Knight and Tuxedo Alex returning out of the corner of her eye. "Hey, guys!" she said with a cheery smile. "Where'd you go off to?"  
  
"I needed time to myself," Tuxedo replied. "Hey, you seem to be in a good mood. The Bots haven't driven you crazy yet?"  
  
Silver's smile grew bigger. "Nope. I just finished telling them about 'Rini's Ch...'"  
  
"ACK!" screamed a shocked Tom. "Don't mention that fanfic again!"  
  
Crow also seemed to look like a shade of green, even though he was a golden robot. "Even I don't want to hear about lemons like that!"  
  
"You should have seen the look on their faces," Michelle said, laughing all the way.  
  
Both Tuxedo Alex and Falcon Knight laughed as well. They were sorry they had to miss the Bots rejecting a lemon, of all things. "Well, now we're all together again," Alex said when he calmed down, "we have to figure out what's going on."  
  
Falcon Knight agreed. "Yeah, why the heck are we here?"  
  
A voice was heard off in the distance. "Your question shall be answered, my children..."  
  
Suddenly, the entire landscape darkened into a bluish hue. The heroes and robots came closer together, not knowing what to expect next. Several blue streaks of light appeared before them, coming from many directions and convening onto one spot. The light beams began to swirl around in a circle, spinning faster and faster continuously. The heroes soon were able to make out something inside the swirling beams. After a few more seconds, the blue light streaks disappeared, and the landscape returned to normal, leaving a standing body in its wake.  
  
The figure looked to be human, and a female at that. She wore a magnificent blue dress that reached down to her ankles. Her long arms with her slender hands slowly reached down to sides in the wake of her teleportation. She possessed a delicate face, with long, light blue hair reaching down to her back. She looked as pure as the driven snow.  
  
Tom spoke first. "Wow, what a fancy entrance!" he said at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Tom!" the others whispered to hush him.  
  
"Do not be afraid, my children," the woman said. "You have been brought here for a purpose."  
  
"I assumed that," Tuxedo Alex said, some fear still in his voice. "But who are you?"  
  
"I am the Goddess Genvira, one of the rulers of this world," she spoke, her words flowing like water. "Let me officially welcome you to Glenidia."  
  
Upon hearing the title of Genvira, the heroes immediately kneeled. They did not want to displease the one who brought them away from the torture of the SOL, let alone one of the rulers of the world they were brought to. "We apologize for not figuring this out sooner, mighty Goddess," Falcon spoke, obviously trying to get on her good side.  
  
Genvira looked puzzled as the collective group bowed down in front of her. "What are you all doing?" she asked hesitantly.  
  
Tuxedo Alex raised his head. "We are just paying our respects to you, Goddess," he said.  
  
"Suck up," Tom whispered aloud.  
  
"Tom!" Silver Knight whispered, knocking his dome in a very subtle way to keep him in line.  
  
Soon afterwards, Genvira began to laugh. "You do not have to bow before me. You can call this visit 'casual', if you would like."  
  
The heroes and Bots stood up on equal level to the goddess. "Thank you, oh Goddess," Falcon Knight stated. "I was getting a cramp."  
  
"And don't refer to me as just my title," Genvira assured the group. "You are my guests here. You may just call me 'Genvira'. Or, 'Gen' if you'd like."  
  
Sailor Silver Knight was the first to step forward of the group. "Well, Genvira, may we ask you a question?"  
  
"You just did," Crow remarked.  
  
Silver Knight turned to face Crow. "And just what do you mean by that?"  
  
Crow snickered. "Hey, there's another one!"  
  
As the female soldier proceeded to beat on Crow, it was Tuxedo Alex' turn to step forward. "We would like to know what we're doing here, and maybe a little more about where 'here' is."  
  
Genvira's voice became somewhat somber. "Where you are is easy to explain. Why you are here is another matter entirely. It would take a long time to tell..."  
  
"We have time," said Falcon Knight, watching Crow get pounded on the corner of his eye.  
  
Genvira sighed. "All shall be revealed in time, my children. For now, you will need to know only a few things. I have brought you here from your satellite for a 'training mission' as you would call it."  
  
"Training?" asked an enthusiastic Tom. "Can we do it in one hundred times normal gravity?"  
  
"How about learning those cool finger laser attacks Frieza does?" blurted out Crow, who was hiding behind Tuxedo Alex. It was then that Sailor Silver Knight gave up the chase.  
  
Genvira was puzzled once again. "Excuse me?" she said as the others just stared at the Bots.  
  
"Its not our fault we're on a DBZ high!" Crow said.  
  
"Anyway," Genvira said, returning to the topic at hand, "this is the item you will have to train against.  
  
With a wave of her hand, a metal tube appeared next to her in mid-air. A second wave sent the tube floating towards the tuxedo-clad of the heroes. Genvira nodded her head, motioning Alex to take the tube. Grasping it, he opened the lid, revealing a paper document within it. Unrolling it, he read what the document said on the top line. He was shocked.  
  
"It's...it's 'Evil Guy From Another Dimension'!" he cried out in fear.  
  
The others were just as shocked as he was. "What the hell?" shouted Tom.  
  
"Are you serious?" Silver Knight managed to let loose from her lips.  
  
"That two-bit goddess brought us here to read bad fanfics!" Crow accused.  
  
Genvira held her hands up in a defensive position. "Please, do not be alarmed," she said in a soothing voice, trying to calm the collective down. "This is not what you have assumed..."  
  
Falcon Knight didn't pay attention to her as he drew his prized weapon, the Falcon Flame-Fan, from his belt. "Okay, Genny, you got some explaining to do..."  
  
"Kick her ass, Falcon!" Tom cheered on.  
  
"Burn her hair! Fire! Fire!" Crow added.  
  
"Falcon, wait!" Tuxedo Alex shouted, causing the winged one to stop in his tracks. "We don't sense evil within her, right? She must have brought us here with good intentions!"  
  
"Please trust us, Adam!" Silver Knight added. "Please?"  
  
Reluctantly, Falcon Knight sheathed his weapon. "Okay, okay, I'll trust her. But why would she bring us here just to feed us the same crap Forrester was dishing out?"  
  
"Again," Genvira interrupted, "all shall be revealed in time. For now, just trust me. Read Part 7 of this horrible story, and then you shall know the true purpose of why you were brought here."  
  
The group got together into a huddle and discussed their options for a few minutes. After coming to the conclusion that they had no choice but to comply, and the conclusion that the Bots wanted to see Genvira get burned, they agreed to read Part 7 of the dreaded fanfic. "Okay," said Tuxedo Alex, speaking for the group. "We're in. When do we start?"  
  
"Now," Genvira said, concise and to the point.  
  
From a nearby river, a huge stream of water erupted and collected into a huge ball. The liquid rippled and bubbled as it moved into the mainland. A simple twist of Genvira's wrist made the water expand in all directions, turning it into a thin, transparent screen. The heroes and Bots marveled at what they bared witness to. A few more hand gestures and several chairs rose from the ground. A makeshift theater had been created.  
  
"The chairs recline," Genvira stated. "It may be training, but I shall make this as easy as possible for you."  
  
The group made their way to the chairs and took their seats. Crow took the one furthest from the right, with Tuxedo Alex sitting next to him. Sailor Silver Knight took the middle seat, with Falcon Knight and Tom filling out the last two.  
  
Genvira stood in front of the water-born screen. "One more word of caution," she warned. "If you are feeling sick at any time of the fanfic, barf bags are provided on the sides of the chairs."  
  
"We'll keep that in mind," said Silver Knight, not necessarily wanting to hear that.  
  
"I wish you all the luck in the world," Genvira blessed as she teleported away from sight.  
  
@@@@@  
  
FANFIC  
  
TOM: Well, lets get this over with...  
FALCON: Hey, we're talking like this again!  
S.KNIGHT: Adam, ENOUGH with the fourth wall breaches!  
FALCON: Sorry...  
CROW: So, did we miss anything in the last part?  
TUXEDO: Chibi Chibi arrived. That's about it.  
(The Bots shudder)  
  
Well, it's 1999.   
  
TOM (Jupiter Knight): So tonight, I'm gonna party like it's...um...well...forget it.  
  
Maybe I should work on SMK9.   
  
FALCON: Well go ahead! All right by us! No problem!  
  
But I want to do this. Heehee.   
  
S.KNIGHT: Aw, rats!  
TUXEDO: Man why couldn't that be picked up by our minds, huh?  
  
More torture for various people,   
  
TOM: You mean he intended this series for US?  
ALL: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!  
  
but I actually get a lot of good feedback on this.   
  
CROW: (Starts to beg) Oh please, JK! Stop this insidious fanfic! Please!  
  
Now, stop begging,   
  
CROW: ...  
TUXEDO: Hey, it worked! We fouled the mind control thingy!  
CROW: Wow, did I really do it!  
  
here's part 7.  
  
FALCON: Apparently not. Dammit...  
TUXEDO: I stand corrected...  
CROW: Bite me!  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Sailor Moon: The Evil Guy From Another Dimension  
By Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight)  
  
Part 7 - Fanservice is fun! The plot thins.  
  
BOTS: Fan service! Yay!  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR...  
TOM: Yipes! Forgot...  
CROW: Whoops. It's been so long...  
S.KNIGHT: Just remember you two...  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Last time on EGFAD:  
  
FALCON: Eggo Gets Funny Additional Dough?  
S.KNIGHT: Ergheiz's Gameplay Fizzles And Dies?  
TUXEDO: Even Goats Feel All Dynamite?  
TOM: Encircling Gynecologists Feel Anus 'n Derrieres?  
TUXEDO: Ick! Tom...  
CROW: Elicit Gross F(BLEEP)ing...  
TUXEDO: CROW! Do NOT continue!  
S.KNIGHT: I knew there was a good reason why he went out the airlock...  
  
Chibi Chibi appeared and annoyed people. Simon Simmons was defeated, and that's about it. Will   
anything else important happen?   
  
TOM: Will my head stay on for the duration of this fanfic?  
FALCON: Hey, anything's possible...  
  
Will it really be important? Do you care?   
  
ALL: No.  
  
Do I care?   
  
TUXEDO: Why should you? With that mind link-up thing, it seems we control this fanfic to a point...  
  
Do the Senshi care? Will Chibiusa return to her century? Will Setsuna make it to a drug rehab institute before she invents the zipper in 1567? And what's with these Senshi in leather?   
  
CROW: Hey, you didn't tell us about any of that!  
FALCON: Okay, Crow. The leather Senshi are...  
S.KNIGHT: Ugh. You hentais...  
  
More will be revealed tonight on 60 Minutes!  
  
ALL: (Make ticking noises)  
  
* * * * *  
  
Chibiusa looked around at the desolate post-apocalyptic Tokyo scenery.  
  
TOM (Anthy Himemia): The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse...  
  
"I love the decor," she said. "Now, where is that Puu?"  
  
FALCON: Didn't Chibiusa potty BEFORE going to the 21st century?  
TUXEDO: ADAM!  
  
"Maybe we'll find something if we look around," suggested Diana.  
  
CROW (Chibiusa): Hey, look! I found the Puu!  
TOM (Mr. Hankey): HIDEY-HO!  
TUXEDO: GUYS!  
  
"Like what? Frozen bodies?"  
"Sure."  
  
S.KNIGHT: Yes, Frozen Bodies! The new Ice Cream treat from Evil Guy Products!  
FALCON: Available in your grocer's freezer!  
  
"I'll never have ice cream again."  
  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, come on, Alex. That pun wasn't that bad.  
TUXEDO: I didn't say that...  
FALCON: Tom? Crow?  
TOM: Nope.  
CROW: Wasn't me...  
S.KNIGHT: ...The fanfic again, right?  
TUXEDO: Yep...  
FALCON: Damn, we're NEVER safe!  
  
* * * * *  
  
TUXEDO: Five brave souls journey to a far-off land to...do exactly what they were doing before...  
CROW: I thought we were training.  
TUXEDO: We are, but still...  
  
Evil Guy sat on the golden flushing throne   
  
TOM: ...trying to create the Puu for Chibiusa to find in the 21st Century.  
S.KNIGHT: You're pushing it, Tom...  
  
reading his copy of the New York Times.   
  
FALCON (Evil Guy): Drat, stocks in Evil Guy Products fell again, today...  
  
As he read over the personal ads, he found something that interested him.  
  
CROW (Evil Guy): Hmmm, Bald, Naked Jell-O Wrestling! Maybe I'll try this!  
  
SWF, 23, likes alternate dimensions, rotating tires and evil plots. Will go to the highest bidder. One   
new sofa. Lots of pizza crusts.   
  
TUXEDO (SWF): And if you act now, I'll even throw in some lawn furniture!  
  
Will kill for sex.   
  
TOM: Really?  
CROW: Let's get to it!  
(Both Bots suddenly jump Falcon Knight and attack him relentlessly.)  
FALCON: WHAT THE (BLEEP) ARE YOU DOING!  
TOM: Well, SWF said...  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR...  
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE...  
CROW: Yipes! Sorry!  
TOM: We'll be good! Promise!  
TUXEDO: You two better.  
(Both Bots return to their seats. Falcon gets up to tend to his injuries.)  
  
No call box, you may teleport me to you when you want.  
  
Evil Guy smiled crookedly and laughed like a wild ass.   
  
FALCON: (Singing) He's an ass man!  
(The Bots do guitar riffing.)  
TUXEDO: (Singing) He's such an ass man!  
(More guitar riffing from the Bots.)  
  
"There's my next henchperson," he said to himself. "Yes, looks very good," he replied.   
  
TOM: Who?  
S.KNIGHT: Apparently Evil Guy is trying to carry on some intelligent conversation with himself.  
TUXEDO: Intelligent?  
S.KNIGHT: (Thinks for a moment.) Oh, right. This is EVIL GUY. Sorry.  
  
"Glad you like it." "Oh yes, I like it." "Excellent."  
  
TUXEDO: Case and point.  
  
* * * * *  
  
CROW: This fanfic hit me so hard I'm seeing stars!  
FALCON: Must've KO'ed all of us, then.  
  
"Chibi."  
"Shut up."  
"Chibi."  
"Shut up."  
"Chibi up."  
  
TUXEDO (ala Rock): Now, the Tux is gonna take this Chibi Chibi...shine it up real nice... turn that Son (BLEEP) sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CHIBI ASS!  
TOM: The Tux?  
TUXEDO (ala Rock): You gotta problem with that, jabroni?  
S.KNIGHT: That's it. No more WWF Smackdown for you!  
  
"Shut up, shut up, shut up."  
"Chibi Chibi Chibi."  
"Urusai!"  
"Chibi nihongo."  
  
S.KNIGHT: Hmmmm.... "Small Language?"  
  
This has been going on for the past 45 minutes between Usagi and Chibi Chibi. It's as if Chibi Chibi   
was a living Furby (TM, Hasbro).  
  
FALCON: Don't you go inventing that, okay Tuxy?  
TUXEDO: What?  
  
"Chibi Furby."  
  
FALCON: CRIPES! He already did!  
TUXEDO: Uh, did I miss something?  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Your call cannot be completed. Please hang up and try again," said the phone.  
  
S.KNIGHT: And the phone can probably carry a more intelligent conversation than Evil Guy.  
  
"You have such a sexy voice," said Makoto. "You sound like senpai."  
  
CROW: That and the majority of the characters in this 'fic.  
  
The phone started beeping loudly.  
"Be that way, you bastard!" exclaimed Makoto, hanging up the phone.  
  
ALL: (Loud sigh) Case and point.  
  
* * * * *  
  
TOM: Damn, this part is going real slow...  
FALCON: I know. Our riffs don't seem up to par in this part.  
TUXEDO: Well, they're going to have to be. We're training, remember?  
  
"Nice ceiling," said Minako.  
"Hai, kirei na tenjou," said Rei.  
"Looks white," said Minako.  
"Hai, shiroi tenjou," said Rei.  
  
FALCON: The hell?  
S.KNIGHT: Hey, it's "Japanese Made Easy Through Another Dimension"!  
TOM: Just another fine product from Evil Guy Products!  
TUXEDO: Available at most Inter-Dimensional retail outlets!  
  
"This bed is soft," said Minako.  
"Hai, yawarakai beddo," said Rei.  
"This room is spacious," said Minako.  
"Hai, ookii heya," said Rei.  
"Your skin is soft," said Minako.  
"Hai, yawarakai hifu," said Rei.  
  
CROW: Hey, this must be "Porno Made Easy From Another Dimension"!  
TOM: Yet another quality product from Evil Guy Products...  
S.KNIGHT: (Points her bow at Tom's head.) ...which has been discontinued due to the otaku onslaught!  
TOM: Uh, right.  
  
Yuuichirou walked in, got a nose bleed and fainted.  
"Silly Yuuichirou," said Minako.  
  
TUXEDO: Trix are for kids!  
  
"Hai, baka na Yuuichirou," said Rei.  
  
TOM: Hey Silver, how do you say, "Trix are for kids" in Japanese?  
S.KNIGHT: I'd have to look it up.  
  
* * * * *  
  
In some room, somewhere else in Tokyo,   
  
FALCON: In a galaxy far, far away...  
  
Haruka and Michiru were sitting by the swimming pool. Michiru was wearing a swimsuit, while Haruka   
was in her regular street clothes.   
  
TOM (Michiru): No swimsuit?  
CROW (Haruka): Forgot it, baby. Wanna go skinny-dipping?  
TUXEDO: Guys...  
TOM: But it's "very pleasing"!  
TUXEDO: TOM!  
  
Michiru's very revealing swimsuit wasn't revealing enough. Due to the title of this part, Michiru   
stripped down to nothing and went skinny dipping.   
  
S.KNIGHT: CROW!  
CROW: What? It livens up the fanfic, doesn't it?  
S.KNIGHT: That does it. I'm shooting you out the air lock again!  
FALCON: What air lock?  
S.KNIGHT: ...That's right...damn.  
  
Haruka liked. Hentai fanboys liked.   
  
FALCON KNIGHT & BOTS: Damn straight!  
(The others just groan.)  
  
Michiru liked.  
  
S.KNIGHT: ...to strangle the author and beat him over the head repeatedly for degrading her character to this ridiculous state.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Evil Guy teleported SWF, 23 to himself,   
  
TUXEDO: It's MY SWF, 23! All mine! You can't have it!  
  
monitored a phone call between Belfast, Northern Ireland and Johannesburg, South Africa,   
  
CROW: Crap! My Ireland phone-sex number's been discovered...I mean, uh, lovely day, isn't it?  
S.KNIGHT: You REALLY want to get barraged, don't you?  
  
located some documentation for the Human Instrumentality Project, and created many beautiful songs   
for the compulsive burper.  
  
TOM: Including Jingle Bells, Moonlight Densestu, and Faye Wong's "Eyes on Me".  
FALCON: All these great songs can be yours on the "Evil Guy Belches Out" music CD!  
TUXEDO: Just another quality product from Evil Guy Products!  
  
"SWF, 23, I have summoned you for one purpose," said Evil Guy.  
"Yes? What would you like me to do?" SWF, 23 asked.  
  
CROW (Evil Guy): I just can't wait for the pizza crusts! I love to eat pizza crusts!  
  
"Kill the Sailor Senshi, two cats and a guy in a tuxedo."  
  
TUXEDO: (Pulls out his sword and goes into a defensive stance.) Not if I got anything to say about it!  
FALCON: Not you. The other jabroni wearing a tux.  
TUXEDO & S.KNIGHT: Hey!  
  
"I will kill for sex."  
"And you shall get sex," said Evil Guy.  
"Then I shall kill," grinned SWF, 23.  
  
TUXEDO (Evil Guy): For sex?  
S.KNIGHT (SWF): Yes. For sex.  
TUXEDO (Evil Guy): Then you'll get sex.  
S.KNIGHT (SWF): Good sex?  
TUXEDO (Evil Guy): Yes. Good sex.  
S.KNIGHT (SWF): Okay...what am I supposed to do again?  
  
* * * * *  
  
CROW: Whoops! Spilled the plot holes! Just let me pick those up...  
  
It was a rainy day. It was a sad day.   
  
FALCON: It was the day that the chocolate covered ants exploded.  
TOM: So sad. There were thoraxes and chocolate goo everywhere.  
  
Funerals are always sad.   
  
S.KNIGHT: The funeral of Jupiter Knight, however, was a festive occasion!  
CROW: He's not dead yet.  
S.KNIGHT: Just wait...  
  
There was a tombstone for each Sailor Senshi, cat and tuxedo wearing hero.  
  
BOTS: Oh my God! They killed Tuxy!  
TUXEDO: Funny...  
  
Back at Evil Guy's lair, SWF, 23 disrobed and prepared for sex.   
  
S.KNIGHT (SWF): Good sex?  
TUXEDO (Evil Guy): Yes, very good sex.  
S.KNIGHT (SWF): Did I kill them yet?  
TUXEDO (Evil Guy): Yes. And now you get sex.  
S.KNIGHT (SWF): Good sex?  
CROW: Give it a rest, you two. We know you have secret desires, but...  
(Both Tuxedo Alex and Silver Knight punt Crow through the transparent screen and into the wild blue yonder.)  
TOM: Buddy!  
TUXEDO: Got something to say, Gumball Head?  
TOM: (Stays silent.)  
S.KNIGHT: That's what we though.  
  
The scene faded to black and Rei woke up.  
"What the hell?" Rei asked.  
"Have a bad dream?" asked Minako.  
  
FALCON (Rei): No, I just had one of my premonitions of everybody's death that almost comes true but doesn't. Why?  
  
"We were dead and some woman was about to have sex with a four dimensional man, then I woke up."  
Minako looked over at Rei, both still lying on the soft bed in the spacious room with the white ceiling,   
  
(Crow comes back through the transparent screen and takes his seat.)  
CROW: Hey, looks like I came back at the right time!  
TUXEDO: Damn, you're worse than Happosai!  
CROW: Just making up for lost time.  
  
Yuuichirou still laying on the floor unconscious.   
  
TOM (Jupiter Knight): Me write story good!  
S.KNIGHT: Has his brain regressed to that of a caveman's?  
FALCON: It would make the 'fic a little easier to understand...  
  
"I wonder why Yuuichirou's nose started bleeding."  
"Probably vertigo," said Rei.  
  
TOM: Yes, it's Vertigo! The newest item from Evil Guy Products!  
CROW: You turn it on, and someone's nose starts to bleed!  
TOM: And then they faint!  
S.KNIGHT: Do you know what vertigo even means?  
CROW: Well...no, but we're putting out the Evil Guy Products catalog this year, and we needed a catchy name for the Nose-Bleeder...  
  
Minako stood up, stretched, and many readers imagined her doing so.   
  
TUXEDO: Yes, thanks to the wonderful world of reading, your brain starts to fill with pictures of what's happening within the story. So when we read that Minako is stretching, the words on your computer screen translate into visual images of the very same character doing the very same thing.  
FALCON: You quite done?  
TUXEDO: Yeah. We needed an intelligent riff.  
  
Unfortunately for them, she was not naked. Neither was Rei. They never were. Haha.  
  
S.KNIGHT: ...Well, that came out of left field.  
TUXEDO: Who would assume that they were naked? (Looks at Tom, Crow, and Falcon.) Never mind.  
FALCON & BOTS: Bite me!  
  
* * * * *  
  
SWF, 23, accidentally fell down the stairs. She's dead.   
  
ALL (Singing): Ding dong! The SWF is dead! The wicked SWF, the wicked SWF!  
  
Too bad. She can't have sex now.  
  
CROW: What, she's suddenly had a change of heart?  
FALCON: No, she just died.  
CROW: Same thing.  
TUXEDO: ...No it's not!  
CROW: Your point?  
(The others sigh and ignore Crow.)  
  
Next time on The Evil Guy From Another Dimension:  
  
TOM: Huh? That's it?  
S.KNIGHT: There's no fighting?  
TUXEDO: Be thankful. We didn't have to go through another "I am Random Person" segment that lasts an hour.  
  
Usagi: Tell me, was the last part necessary?  
  
FALCON: Tell me; are all of these parts necessary?  
  
Setsuna: Not really.   
  
FALCON: Thank you...Wait a minute!  
TOM: Don't temp the fanfic!  
  
But at least there wasn't a fight.  
Rei: I was hoping for a nude scene.  
Minako: So was I.  
  
CROW: So was I.  
TOM: So was I.  
FALCON: So was I.  
S.KNIGHT: Proving that "Copy and Paste" can be fun, boys?  
(A lightning bolt lands near Silver's seat.)  
GENVIRA: No fourth wall breaches!  
S.KNIGHT: Whoops...  
  
Michiru: I got to be nude.  
Haruka: *drool*  
  
TUXEDO: Those who drool over Genvira's clear landscape get to pull thorns out of their teeth!  
(All the otaku boys and bots stay silent.)  
  
Makoto: Phone sex didn't work for me.  
Ami: Why wasn't I in this part? And aren't we supposed to be talking about the next part?  
Hotaru: Yeah, I wasn't in this part, either. Neither were Mamoru-san, Luna, Artemis, or Setsuna-mama.  
Usagi: Don't forget those leather clad perverts.  
  
TOM: Sorry. Due to fan service beyond your control, they were in the back room satisfying their "urges"...  
(A yellow rose and an arrow suddenly appear in Tom's domed head.)  
TOM: Ouch! Hey!  
S.KNIGHT: That's what you get!  
  
Mamoru: Ahem, next time on The Evil Guy From Another Dimension, there may be plot, there may be   
fanservice, there may be crossovers.   
  
FALCON: There may be sanity, there may be a good story, there may be Chyna...  
CROW: The man-beast!  
FALCON: Shut up! All good stories have Chyna in them!  
OTHERS: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight...  
  
I can't tell what the future will be, as I'm not Setsuna or Rei.  
Setsuna: You sure aren't.  
Rei: You don't have a sexy female body like mine.  
  
TOM: We'd be the ones to tell!  
TUXEDO: Ugh.  
  
So, how was that? Good fanservice? Bad fanservice? Was it even fanservice, since this is only text? Anyhoo, comments and stuff can be sent to me at jarcher@direct.ca.  
  
S.KNIGHT: The part's over!  
TOM: We can leave the thea... wait; we're on Genvira's world now...  
TUXEDO: Don't worry. Force of habit.  
FALCON: So, what do we do? Do we just wait?  
(The transparent screen disappears into the river whence it once came, and the chairs sink into the ground. This causes the unsuspecting heroes to crash upon the ground themselves.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
THE WORLD OF GLENIDIA  
  
"Ouch!" Crow exclaimed. "My fanny!"  
  
"Okay, I feel different again," Falcon Knight realized. "I can't place what it is, though..."  
  
"Not without breaking the fourth wall, buddy," warned Tuxedo Alex.  
  
As the group rose to their feet, the landscape darkened around them once again. However, instead of her first entrance, Genvira simply appeared in a small flash of blue light.  
  
"Hey, how come you didn't do that huge 'light streak' thing like before?" asked Crow as the landscape returned to its original hue.  
  
"Look, just because I am a goddess does not mean that I have to impress you every time with a dramatic entrance!" said Genvira, defending herself.  
  
"Well, that's a good reason as any," Alex commented, helping Tom to a standing position.  
  
"Okay," started Sailor Silver Knight. "We finished Part 7, like you said. Now can you tell us WHY we're here?"  
  
"Of course," said Genvira, bowing her head. "After viewing such lurid filth, it is the least I can do. Gather around, everyone, and you shall learn the truth of why you are here..."  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(Using the flamethrower from earlier, Dr. Forrester goes quickly to work burning important documents from past experiments as well as small inventions that they never got to use for Invention Exchanges. TV's Frank is releasing the experimental animals around the same time.)  
  
DR. F.: How many of those rabbits have you released, Frank?  
FRANK: (Careening around the room with a rabbit stuck to his neck) YAAAGH! It's got my jugular! It's got my jugular!  
DR. F.: That's nice. (Goes back to burning several metallic egg-looking devices.  
FRANK: (Collapses on the ground due to loss of blood.) Steve...help! My neck...feels funny...so funny...  
  
(Ignoring Frank's pleas of help, as usual, he stops in front of Fanfic Sender. He stares at it for the longest time, thinking of all the horrible items he sent to the boobies in space. With a tear in his eye, he points the flamethrower's nozzle towards his "baby".)  
  
DR. F.: The evil lair won't be the same without you, girl...  
FRANK: Doc! My leg just turned gray! Hey, now it's orange! What do I do?  
DR. F.: (Turning to Frank) Would you SHUT UP?!? I'm having an emotional moment here!  
FRANK: Sure thing, Steve...ow...  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE WORLD OF GLENIDIA  
  
Sitting in a circle around Genvira, the heroes and the Bots were ready to here the full truth on why they were brought to this beautiful world. Genvira was standing, preparing her explanation.  
  
"As a goddess," Genvira began, "I have the ability to sense evil powers and evil minds all over this world. The reason why the world is so beautiful is that we have healed the minds of all that wanted to destroy it."  
  
"But doesn't that affect the natural balance?" asked Sailor Silver Knight.  
  
"Not really," Genvira answered. "Our world is like a safe haven for all that is good in the world. For we know that somewhere is a world that belongs to the confines of evil, so the balance is maintained."  
  
"Interesting theory," Tuxedo Alex remarked.  
  
Genvira continued on. "Anyway, I decided one day to see if my sight for evil minds could stretch to other worlds as well. So this morning, I floated to the highest point in the land, and used my senses to break the barriers of the sky. It was fascinating, staring into empty space. Soon, I came across a world that seemed suitable to observe. It was very small compared to Glenidia, and very oddly shaped I might add. Its appearance suggested a metallic...dog bone object."  
  
"The Satellite!" Tom shouted out.  
  
"Exactly," Genvira said with a smile. "Looking into this new 'world' that I found, I saw only three inhabitants. The robotic life forms, and the one that you called 'Joel'."  
  
Everyone was shocked. "Joel?" Crow blurted out. "How long ago did you see us?"  
  
"I told you. I started this..." Genvira caught herself in mid-sentence. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't tell you. The world of Glenidia runs on a very different time schedule than what you are used to. Our days last much longer than your days would. In fact, we do not measure time in hours and minutes. But if you were to translate our time, one of our days would last about three months of your time."  
  
"I guess that would make sense," Falcon spoke. "I came on the Satellite about a month ago, so that would be a morning for you, right?"  
  
"Approximately," Genvira said. "Like I said, our world's time is very different than yours. To try and translate it exactly would be impossible. But back to the original explanation, it was the Robots and Joel that I saw. They seemed to have pure souls, including the golden one, even though it was filled with lurid thoughts."  
  
The others started to snicker. Crow simply turned himself away from the group.  
  
Genvira continued her story. "Soon, however, I saw two faces appear on one of your world's viewing devices. One seemed to be harmless, while the other's mind was filled with pure evil."  
  
Everyone knew what she was talking about. "Doctor Forrester," they said in unison.  
  
"Right," agreed Genvira. "Anyway, for I while I just observed you, watching you go through many ordeals. Gaining new members, losing old members, reading and viewing horrible fan fiction...it was hard to watch sometimes, but I continued."  
  
"Well, why didn't you help us out when we had to go through all of 'Evil Guy' then?" Crow asked, turning back towards the group.  
  
"Things never got so serious that I could interfere," Genvira explained. "You managed to get through all your horrible trials and tribulations with a smile and laughable comments."  
  
"Trust me, that's the only way we've been able to survive," Tuxedo Alex commented.  
  
"Until one day," Genvira continued. "I saw you watch one line of a certain fanfic, and it drove all five of you mad. The Mads, claiming they were successful in their mission, blew the Satellite up and unleashed the fanfic to the world."  
  
The group was confused by what they just heard. "But we haven't gone nuts yet," Falcon Knight said. "How come you brought us here if that didn't even happen yet?"  
  
"Please let me finish," said Genvira. "When I saw that happen, it was then I decided to make things right. I found a time before that horrendous event, and brought the five of you here."  
  
"Okay, now we know why we were brought here," Tom stated. "But why the HELL do we have to watch bad fanfics here, too?"  
  
"As I stated earlier," Genvira continued, "I said to think of that as a training mission. That is why I brought you here. I knew that if you were to watch a fanfic you truly hated and survive, you would be able to weather any challenge thrown at you."  
  
"Okay, so were just building our senses to these fanfics?" Michelle asked.  
  
"Basically," said Genvira. "Now that you know exactly where I'm coming from, do you trust me now?" Everyone agreed whole-heartedly. "Good," Genvira said happily. "Do you think you'll be able to weather another part of this fanfic?"  
  
"If it saves me from an unholy future fate, I'll do anything," said Crow.  
  
"Same goes for me," agreed Tom.  
  
"Ditto," joined Falcon.  
  
"Count me in," said Silver Knight.  
  
"Lets go kick some fanfic butt!" Alex shouted.  
  
Genvira smiled once more. "Okay, just take your places from before, and you shall be rewarded after the next part. I promise."  
  
As the chairs rose from the ground, and the screen rose from the river, the heroes and Bots took their seats once more. With a newly found fire, they were ready to weather "Evil Guy" once again, as Genvira teleported away.  
  
@@@@@  
  
FANFIC  
  
S.KNIGHT: Well, back to the hurting...  
FALCON: At least when I talk like this, it takes away from the pain...  
(Everyone gives him a stern look.)  
FALCON: Okay, I know! No fourth wall breaches! Yeesh!  
  
Hey, are you still reading this?   
  
TOM: Unfortunately...  
  
Of course, your answer would be yes, because if you weren't, you wouldn't be able to read this to answer   
no.   
  
TUXEDO: Irrefutable logic by Jupiter Knight. That's a rarity.  
  
Uh, now for more stuff and other things...below, you know.   
  
CROW: Yeah, you know. Down there.  
FALCON: Down where?  
CROW: (Crotch chops) Down THERE!  
TOM: You actually fell for that, Bird Boy?  
FALCON (Sarcastically): I really missed you guys. I mean that...  
  
Soon to be available on DVD.  
  
TUXEDO: Yes, it's the Evil Guy From Another Dimension on DVD! Now with added useless footage!  
S.KNIGHT: New features include being Trilingual, and interviews with Jupiter Knight in his asylum home!  
TOM: And with our special enhancements, the story is even more confusing than it already is!  
FALCON: Just another great production from Evil Guy Products!  
CROW: Send for our company catalog!  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Sailor Moon: The Evil Guy From Another Dimension  
By Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight)  
  
Part 8 - It's too dark, and what's this stuff?  
  
S.KNIGHT: I think it's a fanfic, but I'm not too sure...  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Last time on EGFAD:  
  
TUXEDO: Everybody Gets Free Animal Dung!  
OTHERS: (shocked) Alex!  
TUXEDO: (Hold's his forehead.) Sorry, I think I was channeling Crow for a second...  
CROW: Bite me!  
  
Fanservice. Nuff said.   
  
TOM: And not enough of it!  
S.KNIGHT: Tom...  
  
And SWF 23 sort of died.  
  
FALCON: Just like every single character in DBZ history, huh?  
TUXEDO (Chi Chi): Oh, my husband died for the 87th time. No matter. I'll revive him with the Dragon Balls AGAIN!  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Usagi-chan."  
"What?"  
  
ALL: SHE SAID "USAGI-CHAN!"  
TOM: Hey, how do you know it's a "she" anyway?  
FALCON: Good point.  
  
"Where are you?"  
"I don't know. It's dark."  
"Feel around you and describe it to me."  
  
CROW (Usagi): Okay. I'm feeling...oh, oh, oh, OH, OH! I don't wanna STOP feeling!  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD!  
(Hundreds of energy stars slam into Crow, knocking him through the transparent screen again.)  
TOM: Okay, that he had coming.  
FALCON: No argument here.  
  
"Who are you, anyway?"  
"You should know my voice."  
"But the readers can't exactly read your voice."  
"Oh, that's true. I'm Ami."  
  
TUXEDO: Ami-chan! (Goes off into his dream state.)  
TOM: Oh, not this again.  
S.KNIGHT: Alex, darling, does "Ami-chan" compare to me?  
TUXEDO: (Quickly snaps out of it.) Oh, no, of course not...wait a minute, what about Darien, huh?  
S.KNIGHT: Darien! (Goes off into her dream state.)  
FALCON: Say guys? Have you noticed a complete lack of narration?  
  
"Okay, Ami-chan, I'm feeling around me."  
  
(Crow is seen limping back to his seat.)  
CROW: Okay, I promise I won't go back there! Even I agree that comment was tasteless.  
TUXEDO: Sit down buddy. At least you know what you did wrong.  
(Crow takes his seat again.)  
  
"Just describe it to me."  
"It's soft. I can feel some kind of fabric."  
"Clothes?"  
"Maybe."  
  
TOM (Random Person): It's my new shag carpeting! Heh heh...I said shag...  
S.KNIGHT: (Snaps out of her dream state.) You want a flood, too?  
TOM: Sorry, sorry...  
S.KNIGHT: Geez, there's enough innuendo already without you adding to it...  
  
"What else?"  
"Oh yuck."  
"What?"  
  
ALL: HE OR SHE SAID "OH YUCK"!  
  
"It's sticky here."  
"Ew."  
"Uh, over there, I can feel some kind of hair."  
  
TUXEDO: Hey, she's touching Usagi!  
FALCON: I don't get it.  
TUXEDO: You know, rabbit, hare, hair...  
CROW: The fanfic's gotten to you, hasn't it?  
TUXEDO: (Sighs) Yep...  
  
"Eh?"  
"It's short."  
"What else?"  
"Well, I feel something long now."  
"Uhhh, Usagi-chan."  
  
FALCON (Random Person): Are you Oscar in disguise as Usagi?  
OTHERS: ADAM!  
FALCON: (Starts to whimper) I'm sorry, but it's the only thing keeping my sanity...  
  
"What?"  
  
ALL: HE OR SHE SAID...aw, forget it.  
  
"I hope that's not what I think it is."  
"We need a light to see what it really is."  
"I don't think you want a light."  
  
TOM: But I need that light for my reefer!  
CROW: Say no to drugs, Tom.  
  
"Yes I do."  
"Ouch, stop squeezing that!"  
"Who's that?"  
"Luna."  
  
ALL: GYAAAAAHHHH!  
TUXEDO: Oscar managed to sneak in the fanfic!  
S.KNIGHT: Save the cartoon characters and cats!  
  
"Usagi-chan, never mind what I said before."  
"Why? What did you think it was?"  
"Nothing. Never mind."  
  
TOM: Thank you, powers that be, for putting a quick and painless end to that tangent.  
  
"Usagi, could you stop squeezing my tail?"  
  
FALCON (Goku): It's paralyzing me! I can't move!  
  
"Hai, hai."  
"Uh, Usagi-chan, what about that sticky stuff?"  
"What about it?"  
"What could it be?"  
  
S.KNIGHT: I know! The narration melted and got all over the characters!  
CROW: Not a bad hypothesis.  
  
"I don't know, but I have it all over my hand."  
"Luna, do you know what it could be?"  
"No idea."  
"Ouch!"  
  
TOM: Hey, Tuxy, remember earlier when you said if Jupiter Knight could make this any more incoherent? He's doing it now...  
TUXEDO: Shut up, shut up, shut up!  
  
"What is it, Ami-chan?"  
"I just kicked something."  
"Yeah, you kicked me."  
  
(Falcon is seen kicking at the transparent screen.)  
FALCON: Take this! And this! And that! Stupid 'fic!  
S.KNIGHT: Adam, stop! You're altering it beyond repair!  
TUXEDO: You want to make it worse!  
FALCON: I don't care! (He continues kicking)  
  
"Mako-chan?"  
"Yeah, that's me."  
"Do you know what's going on or where we are?"  
"Nope."  
  
CROW: See? You just introduced another character!  
TOM: Do you want to have the Simpsons suddenly inserted, or something?  
FALCON: (Stands still for a moment.) You're...you're right. It just bites so much that...that I thought I could save all of us from it...  
TUXEDO: Sit down, man. We'll get through this.  
(Falcon takes his seat. Silver Knight gives him a quick hug of friendship, and they continue the hurting.)  
  
"Yuck, this is really gross."  
"What is it, Usagi-chan?"  
"More sticky stuff. It's all over. I just stepped in some."  
  
CROW (Usagi): Okay, this is the LAST time we perform the "Sailor Special Orgasm Attack" while the power's off.  
OTHERS: CROW!  
CROW: What?  
  
"I have some sticky stuff over here, too."  
"You too, Minako-chan?"  
"I wish I could see what was going on."  
"Me too, Luna."  
  
TOM: You know, maybe it's a blessing that we can't see anything.  
S.KNIGHT: True to that.  
  
"So, who else is here?"  
"I am."  
  
FALCON: That helps.  
  
"Uh, that helps."  
  
TUXEDO: Adam, do we have to use duct tape to stop you from the fourth wall breaches?  
FALCON: I'm sorry! I'm really frightened...  
  
"I don't think anyone can tell who's talking."  
"Damn. This is a long scene, and I'm sitting in this sticky stuff!"  
"Oh, stop complaining, I have it, too!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: Damn crabs...  
CROW: Huh? Has she crossed over to the hentai side?  
(An arrow appears through Crow's net on his head.)  
CROW: Apparently not...  
  
"I'm getting confused. Who's talking?"  
"I am."  
"Who keeps saying 'I am?'"  
"I am."  
  
TUXEDO: I. M. Weasel!  
FALCON (I. R.): Hey, why for to Weasel in fanfic being! I. R. Baboon wanna in fanfic being!  
TUXEDO (I. M.): (sigh) Okay, but it's your neck.  
FALCON (I. R.): I. R. in fanfic! I. R. in fanfic!  
TOM: The sad part about that is I. R. is incoherent enough to be part of this.  
  
"Will you stop that?"  
"Yeah, just tell us who you are."  
"Rei."  
  
S.KNIGHT: (Singing) A drop of golden suuuuuuuuuuun...  
  
"Oh, so you're here, too?"  
Someone yawns,   
  
FALCON: Someone narrates.  
CROW: Finally.  
  
"Will you people keep it down, some of us are trying to sleep."  
"Who's that?"  
  
TUXEDO: Someone questions.  
  
"And did we actually see a bit of narration?"  
"Michiru, don't grab me there, not in front of the children."  
  
TOM: Someone gropes.  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, that's enough self-narration, guys.  
  
"But they can't see us."  
"Hey, we're only a year younger than you!"  
"I think Chibiusa's here, too."  
  
FALCON (Chibi-usa): I found my Puu!  
TOM (Mr. Hankey): Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidey Ho!  
TUXEDO: Guys...  
  
"Hai."  
"I knew this was going to happen."  
"Huh?"  
  
CROW: Hey, Jupiter Knight's here!  
S.KNIGHT: How can you tell?  
CROW: The author ALWAYS knows what's going to happen. He knows all and sees all!  
TUXEDO: Aren't we going a little too far on the author bashing?  
  
"You know, I sort of have the ability to travel through time."  
"Oh, Setsuna-san."  
"Ami-chan, could you stop kicking me?"  
  
(Falcon Knight is kicking at the screen again.)  
FALCON: ...And that! And that! And this!  
S.KNIGHT: Adam, what did we say before?  
FALCON: (Returns to his seat.) I know. Just wanted to take some more cheap shots.  
TUXEDO: It's understandable, but please try not to do that anymore.  
  
"Sorry, Mako-chan."  
"Ouch! That's sharp!"  
"Sorry, Haruka-papa, it's just my glaive."  
  
CROW: Kinky!  
OTHERS: CROW!  
  
"Hotaru-chan, put it away."  
"Hai."  
"This sticky stuff is really annoying."  
  
TOM: It was Haruka's blood, and then she bled to death. The End.  
S.KNIGHT: What's on Saturday Anime?  
  
"Chibi chibi."  
"Damn. What's she doing here?"  
"No idea. But where's here?"  
"I can assume there are twelve of us in here."  
  
TUXEDO: And a hard-boiled egg.  
OTHERS: Huh?  
TUXEDO: Oh, you've never seen the Marx Brothers?  
  
"No, thirteen."  
"Oh, forgot about you, Artemis."  
"Sigh. Everyone forgets about me."  
  
S.KNIGHT: Oh Artemis, you know we love you.  
FALCON: "Oh, thank you, whoever said that!"  
S.KNIGHT: ...was...was that part of the fanfic?  
TUXEDO: No, it was Falcon.  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, okay. SILVER STAR...  
FALCON: Sorry! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!  
S.KNIGHT: Well...this time...  
  
"Dammit! I want a scene change!"  
"But first, I want to know what this sticky stuff is!"  
  
TOM: Haruka's blood has squirted all over the floor...  
CROW: Poor thing. No more "pleasing" scenes with her and Michiru...  
  
"Luna, Artemis, you're cats. Use your night vision."  
"We can't when it's absolutely dark."  
"Oh."  
  
S.KNIGHT (Usagi): That makes perfect sen...Huh?  
  
"Ami-chan, do you have your computer?"  
"No idea."  
"Stop that, hehehe, that tickles."  
"Stop what?"  
"I'm warning you. Get your hand out of there, Haruka."  
  
FALCON: Haruka's alive!  
CROW: The foreplay pleasure of these two shall live on!  
TUXEDO: Guys!  
  
"Where's the damn light?"  
"Ahahahahahahahaha!"  
"What?!"  
"Artemis, stop licking me there!"  
  
ALL: GYAHHHH!  
S.KNIGHT: Oscar found his way back in the fanfic!  
TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Tom's head explodes, showering Kit Kats everywhere, however the process somehow reverses, and Tom's head remains intact.)  
OTHERS: WOW!  
CROW: Hey, do that again!  
TOM: I...I don't know how...  
GENVIRA'S VOICE: I can control all that happens in this world. It is my will that Tom shall stay in one piece.  
FALCON: She's good.  
TUXEDO: How do you fell, Tom?  
TOM: I still feel kinda weird, but...hey! Kit Kats!  
  
"I'm not licking anyone."  
"Then what is that?"  
"Oh great."  
"What?"  
  
ALL: HE OR SHE SAID: "OH GREAT!"  
  
"I have to go to the bathroom."  
  
TOM: Hence the sticky stuff on the floor.  
OTHERS: Aw, yuck!  
  
"Well, you shouldn't have had that two litre bottle of Coke."  
"Mercury Crystal Power, Make Up!"  
"What are you doing?"  
"Using my visor."  
  
CROW: Geordi! Geordi LaForge!  
FALCON: Maybe he'll use the Enterprise's engines to blow up the fanfic!  
S.KNIGHT: We can only hope...  
  
"Good idea."  
"What do you see?"  
"Well, I found a door."  
  
TUXEDO: And I found 150 yen under the pillows of the couch.  
TOM (Genma): 150 yen?!? We can finish the play later!  
  
"Why don't you open it?"  
"I don't think you want to see what's in here."  
"Oh, so we're supposed to just sit here and do nothing?"  
  
CROW: Like the majority of this fanfic? Hell, what's stopping you?  
  
"Well, no."  
"Then open the damn door!"  
"Hai, hai."  
"AAHHH!"  
  
TOM: There's a hermaphrodite in here!  
TUXEDO: Okay, I call no more Oscar jokes, as appealing as they are to make.  
OTHERS: Agreed!  
  
"The light is too bright!"  
"Ah, I can see things now."  
  
S.KNIGHT: (Singing) I can see clearly, now the rains have gone...  
  
Everyone went silent.   
  
FALCON: Narration!  
TUXEDO: Coherency!  
CROW: Michiru and Haruka!  
S.KNIGHT: Well, I see everyone has their priorities straight.  
  
Ami...er Sailor Mercury was standing by the door, looking on in shock.   
  
TOM (Mercury): You were getting naked and didn't tell me?  
(A yellow rose pierces Tom's dome.)  
TUXEDO: Talk about Ami-chan like that again, and I'll make CERTAIN that your head doesn't stay together!  
  
Luna was on the bed, it looks like Usagi's. Usagi was sitting in a pool of partially dried up Coke, right by her bed. Minako was also sitting in some Coke, and was being licked on her foot by Chibi Chibi. Oh,   
that must taste good.   
  
CROW: Hey, Chibi Chibi! If you think that tastes good, check out "The Test"!  
(Tom's head explodes immediately, although comes back together a few seconds later, and begins to wail on Crow.)  
TOM: NEVER EVER EVER EVER SAY THAT FANFIC NAME IN MY PRESENCE EVER AGAIN!  
CROW: Ouch! Ouch! Sorry! Ouch! Ouch!  
FALCON: Pissing off everyone today, huh Crow?  
CROW: Bite me! Ouch!  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, Tom. Calm down.  
  
Rei was sitting in a rather normal position, under Usagi's low table. Makoto was rubbing her bruised   
rear end from Ami's kicking.   
  
FALCON: That should teach you a thing or two!  
  
Setsuna was just standing in a corner, staying out of everyone's way. Chibiusa and Artemis were by the window, which was boarded up for some reason. Hotaru was hugging her glaive on one side of the   
room. Everyone was staring at two people....Haruka and Michiru. Somehow, they were wearing the   
same thing.   
  
TUXEDO: What is this, twin day?  
  
They were sharing the same clothes.  
  
CROW (Michiru): I know! I'll wear my girlfriend today!  
S.KNIGHT: Crow...  
  
"Ooh, kinky," said Minako.  
  
* * * * *  
  
FALCON: The section's over!  
(Everyone starts to dance with joy!)  
TUXEDO: We beat the section!  
TOM: Jupiter Knight didn't get us! Yippee!  
CROW: We rule the world!  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, let's just finish the fanfic and get it over with.  
(Everyone returns to their seats.)  
  
Evil Guy sat around his place, however a four dimensional being sits, pondering his next move.   
  
TOM (Evil Guy): Hmm, should I take the Queen, or the Bishop?  
  
He really couldn't think of anything.  
"I hate evil character's block," he said.  
  
TUXEDO (Evil Character's Block): Well, we don't really like you either, so nyeah!  
  
Next time on The Evil Guy From Another Dimension:  
  
Usagi: Er, who are they?  
Rei: Those guys are yellow.  
Makoto: Weird.  
  
FALCON: Uh, Tom?  
TOM: What?  
  
Minako: That fat guy really looks out of place in a seifuku.  
Ami: That's an understatement.  
Haruka: Rather disgusting.  
  
FALCON: Earlier, when you said something about the Simpsons...  
TOM: You...you don't think...  
  
Michiru: Looks like he's drinking beer, too.  
Hotaru: He would probably slice open just like a whale.  
Chibiusa: Ewww...but you have a point.  
  
FALCON: They were inserted into Part 9.  
OTHERS: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Chibi Chibi: Chibi.  
Setsuna: I did not see this coming.  
Mamoru: But what about that woman? How can hair stand up like that?  
  
CROW: A wig. Your point?  
  
Luna: This is horrible.  
Artemis: I'd rather face Queen Beryl again.  
Diana: I think I'm going to throw up.  
  
TUXEDO: Believe me, we're very close to dong that.  
  
Okay, are you intrigued? Heheheheh.   
  
S.KNIGHT: No, and work on your evil laugh.  
  
What's going to happen? Is it even more plotless than this part? Is that even possible?   
  
TOM: Hey, you proved it this chapter.  
  
Well, send your comments and guesses at what the next part will be to me at jarcher@direct.ca. And for those of you who still don't understand what's going on, try not to think too hard. This is a parody :)  
  
FALCON (Jupiter Knight): A parody...of DEATH! Hehehehehe...*cough* *cough* ...I need some Tylenol.   
TUXEDO: And thus, this chapter of the horrendous tale of Evil Guy comes to a close.  
TOM: Thank the powers that be!  
(The transparent screen disappears into the river once again, while the seats sink into the ground. Now wary of this, the heroes get up immediately when it starts to happen.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
THE WORLD OF GLENIDIA  
  
As the screen finished disappearing into the water, the heroes took a much-needed stretch. Watching the last part of the fanfic had been very taxing upon them. After a moment or two, Genvira appeared before them once more. "So, how are you holding up?" she asked.  
  
"We're doing okay, I guess," Falcon Knight responded. "That last part was really...BAD!"  
  
"No argument here," added Tom. "I still don't know how my head survived all that stress!"  
  
"I'm glad that it did," said Tuxedo Alex. "We don't have any extra heads to install."  
  
"Anyway," said Genvira, "now is the time to take a break from your trials."  
  
Sailor Silver Knight smiled. "Thank you so much! But...does that mean we have more of this crap trap to go through?"  
  
"One more part I'm afraid," Genvira responded. "But that can wait until later."  
  
"So what do we do in the meantime?" asked Crow. "I mean, don't get me wrong, but just looking at the scenery for an hour isn't something I do regularly."   
  
"Yes you do," interjected Tuxedo Alex. "You stare at the Satellite walls day in and day out looking for your mother!"  
  
Crow growled. "You just won't leave that alone, will you?"  
  
Stifling her giggles, Genvira produced five orbs from her hands. The heroes and Bots looked on at the Goddess in awe. The orbs then floated to the group, flying around in a circular formation. "Each of you take one," Genvira stated.  
  
Each person grabbed a floating ball out of the air as Genvira said to do. (Except for Tom, for his arms didn't work. Crow attached the Tom's orb to the top of his dome.) "What are these things?" asked Alex.  
  
"These are what I call 'Dream Orbs'," Genvira explained. "These are of my own creation. All you need to do is to hold them in the palm of your hand. Then, think of what you want to do the most, and the orb shall make it reality."  
  
"Really?" asked Falcon Knight and Crow, looking at their orbs suggestively.  
  
Genvira sighed. "It will not produce naked women for pleasurable experiences. Even I have my limits."  
  
"Damn," the hentai duo said together, disappointed.  
  
"You can go as far as you'd like in this land," Genvira explained. "Just remember that you shall be teleported back to this central location when it is time to view Part 9 of the fanfic. Until then, enjoy yourself." And with that, Genvira once again disappeared from view.  
  
@@@@@  
  
LATER  
  
Tuxedo Alex sat upon the green grass, wondering what he wanted to do the most. There were so many possibilities that the orb could fulfill that he had trouble choosing which he was most interested in. A few yards away, however, three bodies had no troubles on what they wanted.  
  
"Come on, Alex!" said a voice from afar. "You gonna sit there all day? Come on, we're having the time of our lives!"  
  
Falcon Knight was lying on a massage table, receiving a dream massage from WWF star Chyna. Alex never knew what Falcon exactly saw in the muscle bound woman, but as long as he was happy, that was all that mattered. Next to Falcon, Tom and Crow were receiving similar treatment from Ms. Kitty and Terri Runnels respectively. "A little more oil on the dome, Kitty?" asked Tom, practically in ecstasy.  
  
"Oh yes," Ms. Kitty responded seductively. "Anything for you, Tommy."  
  
"Isn't this great, Tom?" Crow beamed. "We get our dream girls, Bird Boy gets his dream monkey, everything's going great!"  
  
Falcon Knight bolted up from the table. "What did you call 'my' Chyna?!?"  
  
Chyna rested her hand on Adam's shoulder. "Come on, Adam, you're tense," Chyna said in a low voice. "Let me loosen you up a bit." Not one to turn down something as wonderful as this, Falcon happily went back down on the table.  
  
Shaking his head and smiling at the group, Tuxedo Alex stood up. He then realized that there was only on thing that he really wanted to do at the moment. "Take me to see Michelle," he said to the orb. Within seconds, the hero disappeared from sight.  
  
@@@@@  
  
SECONDS LATER  
  
Tuxedo Alex found himself in a completely new location, miles away from where he was originally. Looking around, he saw a fenced area in front of him. Within it, he saw his beloved Silver Knight upon a white horse, jumping hurdles that she created from the orb. Alex remembered once that Silver told him that she loved to ride horseback. She said it calmed her nerves.  
  
Alex watched intently as she jumped the hurdles with her horse. She looked so majestic atop her mighty steed, the jumps nearly touching the sky. He wished he could join her. He forgot momentarily he held that special orb...  
  
Michelle was surprised to see another horse appear in the fenced pen she created. It was brown in color, with white spots upon it's back. However, she was not interested in the spots as what else was upon it's back. Tuxedo Alex managed to inadvertently wish himself to join his love. Not that he minded, of course.  
  
Silver's horse trotted over to where Alex was. "Alex," she said, somewhat surprised, yet somewhat contented. "what are you doing here?"  
  
Alex smiled. "I just felt like seeing you," he said happily. "Care to have a little race?"  
  
Silver Knight displayed a competitive smirk on her face. "You're on."  
  
The fence disappearing, the two lined up side by side. On the count of three, the steeds began to gallop fast. The thrill of the race surged through the two heroes as they raced across the path.  
  
For some reason, however, the horses never seemed to run at different speeds. They were always running neck and neck, never giving up the lead to the other. When Silver noticed this, she got an idea. "Care to take this 'race' up in the air?" she yelled to her competitor.  
  
"You read my mind!" Tuxedo yelled back.  
  
Both wishing simultaneously, both their horses managed to grow wings and a horn on their foreheads, become full-fledged Pegasus. The newly winged-horses then took to the air, soaring to heights unimaginable.  
  
After a few minutes though, both combatants noticed the same problem they face when they were on the ground. The horses were both going fast, but they were going the same speeds. Neither one seemed to want to go faster than the other. It was like they had minds of their own.  
  
A few more minutes of thi8s passed, and both Alex and Michelle decided to call it a draw. "Do you want to land, now?" Silver yelled to the other racer.  
  
"I have a better idea!" Alex screamed back.  
  
Tuxedo Alex had wished for the two Pegasus to unite into one winged-horse. In an instant, there was only one horse in the sky, with Alex at the reigns, and Silver Knight holding onto his waist for balance. "What the..." Silver said aloud.  
  
"Talk about being a prince on a white horse, huh?" Alex said to her.  
  
Both laughing and enjoying the ride, they rode the winged steed far into the sky...  
  
@@@@@  
  
LATER  
  
Night had fallen on the world of Glenidia. Tuxedo Alex and Sailor Silver Knight had tied the Pegasus to a tree to keep it stationary, while they themselves enjoyed watching the moons of Glenidia in each other's arms.  
  
"This is the most fun I had in ages," Alex said, a huge smile on his face.  
  
"Me too," Michelle responded. "I just wish that we could do this more often."  
  
"Well, at least we were able to do this at least once," Alex said, looking at the bright side of their current situation. "But I'm so glad I got to spend it with you."  
  
Silver smiled. "There's nothing I'd rather do than spend moment like this with you, my love."  
  
"My dearest," Alex whispered.  
  
Their lips met for a sweet embrace. Both wished that one day, they could enjoy moments like this forever. Little did they know that their orbs were glowing slightly when they thought that.  
  
Little did they also know that Genvira had managed to teleport them back to their starting location. As their lips parted, they saw an unwelcome sight of Falcon Knight and the Bots laughing their heads off.  
  
"Oh no," Alex muttered to himself.  
  
"Not again," Michelle muttered.  
  
"Are you sure you haven't set a wedding date yet?" Tom asked.  
  
Behind them, Tuxedo Alex and Silver Knight heard sounds of someone clearing their throat for attention. They just noticed that Genvira was with them. "Anyway, shall we get to Part 9 now?" she asked.  
  
The group agreed to get it over with, going over to the chairs that appeared from the ground once more. As the screen appeared, Genvira disappeared, leaving Falcon Knight and the Bots to finish questioning the couple of what they did during their break...  
  
@@@@@  
  
FANFIC  
  
FALCON: So, you really enjoyed your time off, eh Silver?  
S.KNIGHT: Adam, HUSH!  
CROW: So was it just a peck, or a full tongue lock?  
TOM: Come on! We really wanna know!  
TUXEDO: Would you three just shut up!  
CROW: Do we have to?  
OTHERS: YES!!!  
CROW: Sorry...  
  
Ah, only 3 1/2 weeks until I start a new job,   
  
TOM (Jupiter Knight): You want fries with that?  
  
so until then, I get to play around with the computer, which means fanfics (hopefully).   
  
FALCON: You know, you can do other fanfics BESIDES this one.   
  
As I write this, I am listening to Hayashibara Megumi's Bertemu CD.   
  
TUXEDO: There's a song riff in here somewhere...  
S.KNIGHT: Do you know Hayashibara Megumi's songs?  
TUXEDO: If I did, there'd be a song riff in here somewhere...  
  
And LeVar, if you're reading this, RIP :)  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Sailor Moon: The Evil Guy From Another Dimension  
By Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight)  
  
Part 9 - 20th Century Fox Presents...  
  
ALL: (Doing the 20 Century Fox fanfare.)  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Last time on EGFAD:  
  
CROW: Evil-Guy Grows Fat And Dies!  
TOM: Really?  
FALCON: We wish.  
  
Everyone was stuck in a dark room and there was sticky stuff.   
  
TUXEDO (Luna): I told them not to play with Elmer's Glue in the dark, but NOOOOOOOOOOO, they wouldn't listen!  
  
It was also a rather interesting sight to see Haruka and Michiru sharing the same clothes.  
  
CROW: I'll say!  
S.KNIGHT: Crow, for sanity's sake, please cut down on the hentai. Please.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Brilliant, just brilliant!" exclaimed Evil Guy. He had a brilliant revelation.   
  
TOM (Singing): Let go of me, take my REVELATION!  
  
He knew exactly who could humiliate the Sailor Senshi.  
  
FALCON: Their parents!  
TUXEDO (Rei's Grandfather): And this was little Rei when she was only three! She looks so cute naked on the bare skin rug!  
  
Three men in suits walked into Evil Guy's trendy downtown bachelor's suite in another dimension. They introduced themselves.  
  
FALCON: Hewy.  
S.KNIGHT: Dewy.  
TUXEDO: Louie.  
FALCON: We're Donald Duck's bodyguards. Step aside so he can pass.  
CROW: Wow, Disney sure gets around lately.  
  
"My name is Mr. F," said the first man.  
"I'm Mr. O," said the second.  
"And I'm Mr. X," said the last.  
"Together, we are the Fox Network executives in charge of alternative programming!" the exclaimed   
together.  
  
TOM (Executives): And in the name of alternative programming, we'll air "When Evil Guys Get Attacked!"  
  
"Good, very good. What do you propose?" asked Evil Guy.  
  
FALCON (Executives): Will you marry us?  
CROW (Evil Guy): A marriage to three people? That's bigamy!  
FALCON (Executives): No, it's big of us!  
  
"You'll see, oh great multi-dimensioned one."  
  
TUXEDO (Evil Guy): Flattery will get you nowhere, Fox boy.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"I have a feeling something strange is going to happen," said Rei.  
"Oh? How so?" asked Makoto.  
  
S.KNIGHT (Rei): Plot shall be inserted in the story.  
  
"Multi-coloured streaks and yellow people," said Rei.  
  
TOM: All that and more, today on Jerry Springer!  
  
"Jaundice?" asked Ami. "Jaundiced people with wildly dyed hair?"  
"Could be," answered Minako.  
"Probably," shrugged Rei.  
  
CROW: Really?  
FALCON: Maybe.  
TUXEDO: Surely, but not absolutely.  
  
* * * * *  
  
LeVar Bouyer was walking down the street, minding his own business, when a cat and mouse lunged at   
him. Itchy and Scratchy wielded chain saws and axes with skill.   
  
FALCON: Cripes! Wasn't he mentioned at the beginning?  
S.KNIGHT: I guess Jupiter Knight got a flame he won't soon forget...  
  
First, they chopped LeVar's arms off, then dropped a very large, broken window on his head, severing   
his left ear.   
  
CROW: Vincent Van Gogh, eat your heart out.  
  
A spinning sawmill blade flew towards him and chopped him in half at the waist. Itchy drove a couple   
nails through both of LeVar's eyes, then to finish him off, Scratchy threw him in a giant food processor   
and turned him into a nice pinkish-red sauce.  
  
TUXEDO: Guys, I think it's only fitting to have a moment of silence for our departed friend, LeVar Bouyer.  
(The group is silent for a little bit.)  
TOM: How long has it been?  
TUXEDO: Six seconds.  
TOM: Okay, I'm done.  
(The rest just sigh.)  
  
* * * * *  
  
Chibiusa sighed. "When is Puu coming to get us?"  
  
FALCON: Mr. Hankey told us to meet him here an hour ago!  
CROW: Damn, JK keeps leaving himself WIDE open for these "Puu" jokes!  
  
Diana shrugged, "Maybe she forgot."  
"This sucks.   
  
S.KNIGHT: I don't blame you, Chibi-usa. Not a bit.  
TUXEDO: What, her current situation?  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, I thought she was talking about the fanfic! Never mind.  
  
Stuck in the 21st century with no one to talk to."  
"What am I? Dog bait?"  
  
TOM: All of the sudden, a ravenous wolf charged at the unsuspecting kitten, ripping it to shreds. Her question had unfortunately been answered. The end.  
TUXEDO: So, what's on Saturday Anime?  
FALCON: What time is it on this week?  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Who the hell are you?" asked a 10 year old yellow boy with spiky hair.  
  
FALCON: Hewy.  
S.KNIGHT: Dewy.  
TUXEDO: Lou...  
CROW: Okay, it's been done.  
  
"We are the Fox Network executives in charge of alternative programming."  
"Fox Network? Pffff," said Homer.  
  
TOM: Eewww, Homer cut one!  
FALCON (Mr. Hankey): HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDEY HO!  
S.KNIGHT: That was forced. Admit it.  
  
"We have brought you here for a very important task."  
  
CROW (Knight Who Says "Ni"): We want you to bring...a SHRUBBERY!  
  
"I'm not doing anything for Fox," said Homer.  
"You people keep putting those violent caught on tape shows on TV.   
  
TUXEDO: When Jerry Springer Goes To Far!  
TOM: When Animals Get Sexually Transmitted Diseases!  
FALCON: When Compact Discs Inflict Paper Cuts!  
CROW: All these tapes and more available from the Fox Network and "Evil Guy Products!"  
S.KNIGHT: Order now, and receive "When Yeast Doesn't Rise In Bread!"  
  
I don't want any part of this," said Lisa.  
"Hey, I like those shows!" exclaimed Bart.  
  
FALCON (Bart): All right! Go yeast! Show that bread whose boss!  
  
"Kids, no fighting in front of the kind Fox Network executives," said Marge.  
Maggie sucked on   
  
(Crow opens his mouth. All the heroes soon point their weapons of destruction at his head. Even Tom is giving him a dirty look.)  
S.KNIGHT: Don't even THINK about it!  
(Crow closes his mouth, and they continue to riff the fanfic.  
  
her pacifier.  
"We have a certain mission for you.   
  
CROW (Knight Who Says Ni): We want you to cut down the mightiest tree in the forest...with a HERRING!  
TUXEDO: Much better.  
  
You are to confront the Sailor Senshi and distract them, while we put our plan into action."  
"Sailor......sushi?" asked Homer.  
  
TOM (Homer): Mmmm...sushi...  
  
"Senshi. It's a Japanese word for something.   
  
S.KNIGHT: (Sighs) Soldiers, people! Sailor "Soldiers"!  
TUXEDO: Let it go, dear. Let it go.  
  
Not sure what, but we're only American television executives, so we know nothing of other cultures."  
"Yeah, fishbulb," said Bart.  
"We'll give you beer," said Mr. F.  
"We'll do it!" exclaimed Homer.  
  
CROW (Bart): All right!  
FALCON (Homer): Not you, boy.  
  
* * * * *  
  
S.KNIGHT: The greatest brains in the universe meet to discuss how to get grease stains out of their clothing.  
  
"Chibi chibi."  
"Chibi chibi-chan, shut up," said Usagi.  
  
TUXEDO (Chibi-Chibi): Chibi-up!  
FALCON: Don't start that up again!  
  
"Usagi-chan, what are you doing?" asked Minako.  
"Oh, just hanging some clothes to dry," said Usagi, while hanging Chibi Chibi on the clothes line.  
  
TOM: As the noose tightened, a sigh of relief escaped Usagi's lips. She would never have to hear the word "chibi" again. The end.  
TUXEDO: Always the dark one, eh Tom?  
  
"We're in the middle of Yokohama Chinatown," said Rei.  
"So?"  
Minako started to remove her shirt, revealing her pert   
  
TOM: ...Plus Shampoo?  
CROW: Shut up! I wanna see this!  
TUXEDO: That does it. YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!  
(Hundreds of roses are fired at the screen, much to the relief of the Bots, who are cowering in their seats.)  
  
*whap!* must stay...PG.....  
  
FALCON: Hey, how come you did that?  
TUXEDO: If we can control this thing, it's about time that it goes my way!  
  
* * * * *  
  
"So, what do you want to do today?" asked Michiru.  
"I thought we could stop watching this exercise show on TV," said Haruka.  
  
CROW (Harkua watching exercise show): Boobs go up, boobs go down! Boobs go up...  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR...  
CROW: Okay! I'm tired of passing through that screen!  
  
"We have an uninvited guest again," sighed Michiru.  
"I'm Oe Kintaro,   
  
TOM: Cripes! Shao Kahn sent his evil minions against us again!  
TUXEDO: No, I think we can assume that it's from another anime.  
FALCON: Which would be...  
TUXEDO: ...I have no idea.  
  
a 25 year old student of life. I like to travel around, getting part time jobs, and learn about the ways of life," said one perverted law school dropout.  
"And hug women's toilets," said Hotaru.   
  
TOM (Kintaro): (While hugging toilet) Oh, my goddess sits here!  
CROW (Mr. Hankey): HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDEY...  
S.KNIGHT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
"Should I take care of him?"  
"Sure, go ahead," said Haruka.  
"Come, boy. Meet my pointy glaive again," grinned Hotaru.  
  
CROW (Kintaro): Oh, hi pointy glaive. My name is KintyeeeOOOOUUUCH!  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Now, it's time to put our plan into effect," said Mr. X.  
"Throw the switch!" exclaimed Mr. F.  
  
TUXEDO: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
S.KNIGHT: What is it?  
TUXEDO: The fanfic is sending us another fanfic!  
FALCON (Dr. F.): Send them the fanfic, Frank!  
TUXEDO: (Belts Falcon over the head.) Don't DO THAT!  
  
Mr. O turns on the patented Fox NHL coverage puck tracker.  
  
TOM: What?  
CROW: Great. Are they going to highlight the plot so it's more obvious?  
  
"Now, see the brilliant stupidity of this infernal machine!" exclaimed Mr. F.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Through some strange turn of events, all the Senshi converge in one spot, somewhere in Juuban.  
  
FALCON: The Adventures of Alice Through the Plot Hole end here...  
  
"Awwwwww sh...." started Sailor Moon.  
"It isn't our day," said Sailor Mercury.  
"Ew, those guys are yellow," said Sailor Venus.  
"You! You brought us here!" exclaimed Sailor Uranus.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Don't look at us, Uranus. Blame Genvira.  
  
"How dare you interrupt our affectionate petting and foreplay!" exclaimed Sailor Neptune.  
  
CROW: You mean you saw me looking through the keyhole...I mean, uh, nice day, isn't it?  
TUXEDO: Crow!  
  
Homer drooled.  
"They're gay!" exclaimed Bart. "Woo baby!"  
  
TUXEDO: Bart Simpson, Grasper of the Obvious.  
  
"Excuse my moronic brother. I believe in equal rights for homosexuals," said Lisa.  
"Lisa, you're too young for this," said Marge.  
  
CROW: So are we, but are we excused? No! We're still here!  
S.KNIGHT: Simmer down, gold boy.  
  
"Never mind that, I am Sailor Moon! For bringing us here, I will not forgive you for taking me away   
from my double scoop chocolate ice cream cone!   
  
FALCON: So, that's what she calls Mamoru these days.  
OTHERS: ADAM!  
  
Tsuki ni kawatte oshioki yo!"  
"Mmmmm, ice cream......" gurgled Homer.  
Suddenly, a white glow surrounded each of our heroes' hands.  
  
(A white glow surrounds the hands of Tuxedo Alex, S.Knight, and Falcon Knight as well.)  
TUXEDO: The f(BLEEP)ck?  
S.KNIGHT: Uh, story? Can you be a LITTLE more specific?  
  
"What the hell?" muttered Sailor Jupiter.  
"Venus Love and Beauty Shock!" exclaimed Sailor Venus. However, her attack was surrounded by a red   
streak. "Eh?"  
  
FALCON: Let me try something. (He unsheathes the Falcon Fire-Fan.) FALCON FIRE FLASH!  
(A huge stream of flames spring forward from his weapon, however, a red streak surrounds his attack as well.)  
FALCON: Hey, cool!  
TOM: Not really. (He coughs up smoke, for he was caught in the blast.)  
  
In another sudden action, the Fox Network executives appeared before the group and explained.   
  
S.KNIGHT: "And then it appeared out of nowhere!"  
TUXEDO: Hey, no lemon flashbacks!...Wait a second, Michelle?  
S.KNIGHT: I'm allowed one or two, aren't I?  
  
"You see, to help our viewers, who don't have the intelligence to track a black puck on a TV screen, we   
put a white glow around the puck during hockey games. When they passed it, there was a blue streak,   
when they shot, there was a red streak. We applied this to your attacks, so our extremely uneducated   
Fox Network viewers can track your attacks."  
  
CROW (Homer): What an age we live in!  
  
"Uh-huh," said Sailor Moon.  
"Deep Submerge!" exclaimed Sailor Neptune. An aqua ball of energy, surrounded by a red streak, struck   
the executives, killing them instantly.  
  
TUXEDO: When Fox Executives Turn to Dust!  
  
"Well, that was sort of useless," said Sailor Mars.  
"Shall we take care of our jaundiced friends now?" asked Sailor Mercury.  
  
TOM: Let's nurse them back to health!  
S.KNIGHT: But the Simpsons weren't even scratched.  
TOM: Details, details...  
  
"Yes, we shall," said Sailor Moon.  
"WAIT!" exclaimed Lisa. "Can't we come to a peaceful settlement?"  
  
FALCON: (singing) We come in peace, shot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, we come in peace, shoot to kill, Scotty, beam me up!  
  
"What do you say?" asked Luna, who isn't a Sailor Senshi, so she shouldn't be there, as only the Sailor Senshi were brought together, so why isn't Sailor Chibi Moon here, or why aren't the Sailor Starlights or the Asteroid Senshi here, or what about Sailor Chibi Chibi Moon, or maybe the Sailor Animamates, and   
don't you think this is a long runon sentence that just seems to go on and on and on, but shouldn't Sailor Saturn be paying attention, or maybe she's going through an age change, and where's Sailor Pluto when   
you need her, maybe she's looking for Chibiusa, and should I stop this sentence now?  
  
TOM: (Starts to smoke) Too...too many words...to much to compre...prepreprepreprehendendendend... YAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!  
(Tom's head explodes again, sending Hanukkah Gelt everywhere, but the process is reversed once more, and his head remains intact.)  
S.KNIGHT: Well, that's a first. There's too MUCH to comprehend in a JK fanfic than too little.  
  
"That tired me out," said Sailor Moon.  
"Sorry, I will return the Simpsons to their own universe, although it doesn't seem to have much   
continuity, just like this fanfic," said the author. "Run All the Way is a cool song."  
  
ALL: YAAAAAGH!  
CROW: It's a...a SELF INSERTION!  
TOM: ANYTHING BUT THAT!  
(The three heroes get up from their seats and get ready to attack the screen again.)  
TUXEDO: That does it! He's crossed the line!  
S.KNIGHT: No more will he be able to taunt us with this crappy story!  
FALCON: He's goin' down, baby!  
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE...  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR...  
FALCON: FALCON FIRE...  
HEROES: UNIFICATION!!!!!  
(In a bright flash of light, surrounded by a red streak, the heroes unleash their three attacks together, converging onto one central location. As the three come together, a huge beam of white light collides onto the screen. Lightning cackles all around the area, and totally encircles the fanfic. After a moment of this, the lightning fades, the heroes stop, and return to their seats.)  
CROW: Hey, the fanfic's still there!  
TOM: You didn't do a damn thing.  
FALCON: Au contraire, my friend.  
S.KNIGHT: We removed the author's connection to the fanfic. This story is on it's own, now.  
  
The Simpsons disappear and the Senshi all rejoice...except that they still have glowing white hands.  
"Excuse me, but can you get rid of this damn glow?!" exclaimed Sailor Uranus.  
I'm sorry, but we cannot complete your call. Please hang up and try again.  
  
TUXEDO: Yes! Case and point!  
FALCON: But...now JK can't get rid of this glow...  
S.KNIGHT: Yeah, well...minor triviality. We'll worry about it later.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Next time on The Evil Guy From Another Dimension:  
  
CROW: More lesbian porn!  
TUXEDO: What are you talking about?  
TOM: There wasn't any lesbian porn in this part.  
CROW: I know, but when I get bored, I make up my own fanfic.  
S.KNIGHT: The Simpsons are rubbing off on him.  
  
Usagi: That was rather pointless.  
Mamoru: Eh.  
  
FALCON: I never knew Mamoru was from Canada!  
  
Ami: Poor LeVar.  
Jen: Now he can't finish writing my story.  
Eileen: Jen, can we get out of here and go have sex now?  
  
CROW: And more importantly, can I watch?  
OTHERS: (groan)  
  
Haruka: *sob* He hates me.  
Rei: Oh, weren't we supposed to say what's going on next time?  
Makoto: Yeah. What is going to happen?  
Seiya: I hope I get some action next time.  
Setsuna: I can't seem to get in contact with the author. Can't complete the call.  
  
(Everyone has big grins on their faces.)  
  
Minako: Typical.  
  
Well, that's it.   
  
ALL: YES! YES! YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
That's the last part of Evil Guy   
  
CROW: Do you hear that? The last part!  
FALCON: We beat the fanfic!  
TUXEDO: After all this time...  
  
that I'll do this week.   
  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, DAMN YOU JUPITER KNIGHT!  
TUXEDO: Just see if you can last a few more minutes.  
  
And thanks to LeVar for letting us people on #moonscribe kill him off in our next fanfics. It was fun. Let's do it again sometime :)   
  
TOM: I know it's kinda late, but...(Stan) Oh my God! They killed LeVar!  
CROW (Kyle): You bastard!  
  
Um, my e-mail is jarcher@direct.ca if you just happen to want to e-mail me, but I don't know why you'd   
want to.  
  
FALCON: Neither do we, but we flame him anyway.  
TOM: And that concludes our training!  
TUXEDO: Well, you all know what comes next.  
CROW: Yep. Back to prison.  
S.KNIGHT: It was nice while it lasted, though.  
(The screen disappears back into the river from whence it came. Standing up, the chairs once again disappear into the ground. The training is complete.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
THE WORLD OF GLENIDIA  
  
For the group, it seemed that the world seemed to fade away from them as the fanfic ended. Within an instant, the heroes and the Bots were standing in empty space, no longer surrounded by the beautiful scenery they once saw. Faintly, they heard a voice from the distance. "Your training has been completed, my children," said the voice, obviously Genvira. "Our paths may cross again, but until then, be strong, and don't let the forces of evil overcome you..."  
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(The heroes and the Bots appear back upon the bridge of the SOL about five minutes after the Bots departed from Deep 13 1/3.)  
  
TUXEDO: (Looking at his surroundings.) Well, we're back...unfortunately.  
TOM: Hey, even though it was really cool to be somewhere else, this is the only home we know.  
CROW: Yeah, so don't diss it too much!  
FALCON: All right...but it still sucks.  
TOM: Yeah, you're right...  
S.KNIGHT: Do you think we should call the Mads and tell them we're okay?  
TUXEDO: Why not? They're gonna find out sooner or later. Lets give the Puma Twins a call.  
  
(Pressing the call button, Dr. Forrester appears on the hexfield, with TV's Frank beside him on the ground, writhing in pain. He is facing the Fanfic Sender, ready to burn it up in seconds.)  
  
FRANK: Sure thing Steve...ow...  
DR. F.: Anyway, I...(He turns around to see his view screen with his guinea pigs all in one place.) Boobies! You're back! Where the hell did you go off to?  
TUXEDO: Well...hell, it'd be too long to explain.  
CROW: Yeah, with your inferior mind, it would take to long to comprehend it!  
TOM: Look who's talking!  
CROW: Shut up!  
TOM: No, you shut up!  
S.KNIGHT: Guys!  
DR. F.: Well, for your departure, you shall receive a big punishment! You made me think you were telling the government of your experiments! I was destroying evidence left and right! How dare you!  
FRANK: Hey Doc? My left butt-cheek fell off...  
DR. F.: SILENCE! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HAVING AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING SPEECH HERE, FRANK?  
FRANK: ......  
DR. F.: Frank?  
FRANK: ......  
DR. F.: Oh, well, I'll fix him later. Anyway, all the other fanfics I sent you before were just child's play! Soon you will see the true extent of my wrath! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (The hexfield cuts off.)  
FALCON: Great, we're gonna get worse fanfics now!  
TUXEDO: (Smiling) I'm not worried.  
TOM: Are you nuts?  
CROW: He must be. He's gonna fry come next fanfic!  
TUXEDO: Geez, have you forgotten your training already? We're gonna get through every single fanfic Dr. F. sends us. At least I will, for I know that we have someone watching over us. Someone who is good, and pure. Someone who will help us in times of need. And I believe she's the one who will free us. Whatever Forrester sends us, it won't compare to the moment that we finally get off this dog bone. The moment we'll really be free...  
TOM: I still say he's nuts.  
S.KNIGHT: (sigh) You guys...  
  
@@@@@  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Finally, this MST is done! And on Christmas Eve, too! (Well, the time I'm writing this, anyway. I don't know exactly when it shall be posted, but still, it's done!) I have to say that this took a LONG time to riff and write. I wanted to close out the existing chapters of Evil Guy to work on other projects, and I figured that this was the best way to do it. I definitely hope you like the riffs I made, and I really liked the "Evil Guy Products" angle.  
  
Reflecting over the host segments, a lot of thought went into these. I wanted to turn this into a huge epic-like adventure rather than "Back in the theater, guys." I definitely hoped I succeeded in that vein. I also felt that expanding the romance between Tuxedo Alex and Sailor Silver Knight was nice. Please note that all the riffers (besides Tom and Crow) are based on people I know in real life. The real life Silver Knight and Falcon Knight are my best friends in the entire world. Without them, I don't know where I'd be, or what I'd be doing right now. I thank them both from the bottom of my hearts.  
  
And so, I go to work on riffing either one of two projects: 1) A Sailor Moon / Pokémon lemon crossover, or 2) a fanfic by DR. THINKER!!!!! Either or. I'll keep you posted! And hopefully, I'll crank these babies out on a more than regular basis. Take care!  
  
More Disclaimers  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)  
  
Stinger: Everyone was staring at two people....Haruka and Michiru. Somehow, they were wearing the same thing. They were sharing the same clothes.  



	6. Episode 16: 'Just Keep Telling Yourself ...

My name is...My name is...My name is...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 16: JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THIS NEVER HAPPENED (BY WALT CHIMERA)  
(A Sailor Moon / Popeye crossover. Yep...Sailor Moon...and Popeye...You heard right. Sailor Moon and Popeye together. Lets let that sink in for a while...)  
  
But before we go on, here are some:  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
"Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened" belongs to Walt Chimera and he's welcome to it. The riffing of this piece is not meant to insult the author, or the piece itself. It was all done with fun in mind, and is meant to be taken lightly.  
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(Tuxedo Alex walks out, setting one of the Satellite's many clocks. Tom and Crow are in the background, helping Falcon Knight configure the internal clock in the Satellite's computer. Sailor Silver Knight is working on several clocks in the hallway, and hasn't arrived yet.)  
  
TUXEDO: Hi, everyone! Welcome back to the SOL. If you've checked with us last week, you probably saw that we weren't here. Well, we were somehow pulled out of our space-time continuum and onto another planet filled with natural wonders and unlimited bliss.  
FALCON: (From the back) So naturally, we couldn't stay!  
TUXEDO: Right. We trained with several chapters of "Evil Guy From Another Dimension" to get ourselves ready for the more difficult fanfics out there. But enough about that. Right now, we're going to test the ship if it's ready for the next millennium bug.  
TOM: Yeah, Y2K was such a big let down. So we're gonna see if anything happens to us when Y3K hits!  
CROW: It's gonna be pandemonium!  
FALCON: Okay guys, all I have t do is set the date, now?  
TOM: Yeah, just press that button there. (Sighs) What do you think'll happen to the ship?  
CROW: Maybe the cheese compressor will go offline and spray the entire ship!  
TOM: Or maybe the theater will blow!  
CROW: Or maybe Silver's lock on her room'll go offline, leaving us unbridled access to...  
  
(As Crow is talking, Silver Knight is just walking through the door. Not wasting any time, she prepares her attack.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD!  
  
(Crow gets pelted with hundreds of energy stars.)  
  
CROW: YAAAARGHH! Oh, um, hi Silver! Didn't know you came in!  
S.KNIGHT: Hentai baka! (Turns to Alex) Okay, I turned all the clocks in the hall to just before midnight.  
FALCON: 2997, 2998...2999! There, all set!  
TUXEDO: Cool, that means we can begin the test. Everyone ready?  
TOM: All set over here!  
FALCON: Us, too!  
TUXEDO: Okay, starting the clocks...midnight in 3...2...1...  
  
(The entire ship flashes in a white light in a brief instant, and a large paper cutout of Genma Saotome in panda form rises from a gap in the floor. A crude recording device is attached to it.)  
  
RECORDING: Con-grad-u-lations on reach-ing the year thr-thre-three-thousand! For liv-living this lo-o-o-ong, please accept this sal-sa foun-ta-ta-tain as our gift-t-t-t-t-t-t to you!  
  
(The Genma cutout disappears, and large fish appears in the middle of the room. As the recording suggested, it starts to spray spicy salsa from its mouth, covering one of the near-by walls. The heroes and the Bots just stare at the abomination for a moment or so.)  
  
TOM: This...this is what we get for Y3K?  
FALCON: Apparently the Mads were on a drinking binge when they came up with this.  
S.KNIGHT: You think there's any way to stop it?  
CROW: I know a way!  
  
(Crow goes to the fish fountain, mouth open wide, and starts to swallow the sprayed salsa.)  
  
TUXEDO: We'll, um...be right back... (He reaches over for the button, still gazing at the monstrosity, and manages to press it.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(The fish statue is still spraying the salsa as Crow is happily eating all of it. The heroes are busy cleaning up whatever hit the wall as Tom is monitoring any calls from the outside.)  
  
FALCON: (Scrubbing furiously) So I guess this means that Armageddon really does happen at Y3K?  
TUXEDO: Apparently. Geez, what the hell was Forrester thinking?  
S.KNIGHT: Lets just get this crud cleaned up, or we'll be up to our knees in salsa!  
TOM: If that's the case, I'm breaking out the tortilla chips.  
  
(The communications light flashes.)  
  
TOM: Hey Tuxy! We got Touga and Saionji on the line!  
TUXEDO: Put 'em through. And don't call me Tuxy.  
CROW: *Slurp* *Gulp* This is good! *Slurp*  
  
(Tom hovers over the communications button and floats down on it, activating the hex field. What they see is as equally confusing as what they are experiencing now. Doctor Forrester is surrounded by several clones of TV's Frank, with each one doing separate tasks.)  
  
DR. F.: Okay Frank VI, you take out the trash. Frank III, I want you to walk Ralph the Monkey-Spider. Frank V, why don't you...(Turns to face the camera.) Oh, hi Boobies and Boobette! I just got caught up in giving my servants new orders...what are you doing?  
TUXEDO: Cleaning. What does it look like?  
FALCON: Forrester, you retarded piece of (BLEEP)! What the (BLEEP) were you mother(BLEEP)ers thinking when you installed this (BLEEPING)ing Salsa-(BLEEP)ing-Fountain?!?!  
S.KNIGHT: Language, Adam...  
FALCON: Sorry...  
DR. F.: (Somewhat surprised.) The fountain activated all ready?  
TOM: We were conducting a Y3K test, and...  
DR. F.: Oh, so that explains it! You see, lab monkeys, I've installed little surprises for every time you enter a new millennium on the Satellite. I just did it for fun, because I knew whoever was up there wouldn't live to them. But now you're screwing around with the clock, I can sit back and laugh my ass off! HAHAHAHA!  
S.KNIGHT: Yeah. Real funny. Want to tell us how to turn it off?  
CROW: *Slurp* *Smack* *Gulp*  
DR. F.: Now why would I want to deprive your robot friend of all the salsa he can eat?  
TUXEDO: Figures. So, what did you do to Frank this time?  
DR. F.: Don't call the ASPCA for cruelty to animals this time, Cape-Boy. All I did was use my new cloning gun to create new servants for me to boss around. They don't eat, they don't sleep, they don't...make waste, and the best thing is that...  
FRANK IV: Here's your soup, Doc. (The Frank clone places a bowl of tomato soup in front of the mad doctor.)  
DR. F.: Excuse me. (Turns to the clone.) Thank you, Frank IV. (Tasting the soup, he suddenly goes into a coughing and gagging fit.) Gaahhh! Ugh! *cough* Hey, there's a hair in my *cough* soup!  
  
(Pulling a machine out of his lab jacket, Forrester presses a button. Frank IV disappears into nothingness instantly.)  
  
DR. F.: There. As I was saying, the best thing is that they're disposable!  
FALCON: You are one sick SOB today, you know that?  
DR. F.: Always. Now as for your fanfic, assuming you get your "situation" under control, is a little G-rated crossover entitled "Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened". Aptly titled for it's convenient plot twist at the end. And after our little altercation last week, lets hope it takes your sanity, shines it up real nice, turns that son-(BLEEP) sideways, and sticks it straight up your bobbie-asses! Frank, send them the artistic triumph!  
FRANK CLONES: Yes sir!  
  
(All the Franks, from I to XV, all race towards the Fanfic Scanner, but manage to collide into one another, knocking each other unconscious. Dr. Forrester just sighs and cuts off the feed.)  
  
TOM: Did he say CROSSOVER?!?  
TUXEDO: Stay frosty, Tom. We don't even know who is crossing over.  
CROW: *Gulp* *Suck* *Slurp*  
FALCON: But what do we do about the fountain?  
S.KNIGHT: Alex, I believe you hold the honors this time?  
TUXEDO: Why thank you my dear. YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!  
  
(Instinctively, Crow cowers in fear as Alex shoots forward his deadly barrage of fauna. The roses hit the fountain, blowing it completely off its base. Pieces of the stone fish fly around the room, with a huge stream of salsa streaming upward.)  
  
CROW: Hey! *Burp* What'd you do that for?  
TUXEDO: It's my job. Hey Gypsy?   
  
(Gypsy enters the room.)  
  
GYPSY: Yes, Tuxedo?  
TUXEDO: Do you mind taking care of this little "problem" while we're in the theater?  
GYPSY: (Surveying the area) Hmmm, I can't promise much, but I'll see what I can do.  
  
(The klaxons and lights blaze around the theater.)  
  
TUXEDO: And you're gonna have to do it fast, because we have FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
@@@@@  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
THEATER  
  
CROW: Ugh. I think I got a stomach ache.  
TOM: Serves you right from eating all that salsa!  
S.KNIGHT: Crow, you're a robot. How do you know what a stomach ache feels like?  
CROW: Can I plead the fifth?  
S.KNIGHT: (Sigh)  
  
Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened  
  
TOM: Believe me, I already wish that it hadn't!  
  
By Walt Chimera  
  
A figure lurked in the shadows   
  
FALCON: Taking pictures of the Senshi in their "dressing chambers"!  
TUXEDO: That would be you, right?  
FALCON: ...Shut up. Just shut up.  
  
as the Sailor Scouts bravely fought their latest adversary. He watched the battle quietly from a distance.   
  
CROW (Figure): Come on, Sailor Mars. Jump! Jump and jiggle! JUMP!  
S.KNIGHT: Crow...  
  
It was not going well for the girls. The demon was a giant flying Swiss Army knife from the Negaverse,   
  
TUXEDO: But aren't the Swiss neutral?  
CROW: The Negaverse has a lot of control over their world leaders, I guess.  
  
flicking out it various appendages in threatening ways at them.   
  
TOM (Swiss Knife): Magnifying Glass SUN BURN!  
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Bottle Opener CORK PULL!  
S.KNIGHT (Swiss Knife): AWL POINTED PINCER!  
CROW (Swiss Knife): Phillips Head SCREW DRIVE!  
TUXEDO (Swiss Knife): Mini Scissors SUPER SLICE!  
  
It clicked a grenade launcher into place, and let fly at the group.   
  
S.KNIGHT: Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to launch the grenades, and not the actual launcher?  
  
The ensuing explosion hurled screaming sailors in all directions.   
  
FALCON: Hey, if it sends the Senshi running away screaming, I'd take it.  
  
Turning to face Sailor Moon, it whipped out   
  
BOTS: (Coughing)  
TUXEDO: Don't even try it.  
  
something with a laser sight on it.   
  
BOTS: (More coughing)  
S.KNIGHT: Hey, give it a rest!  
CROW: It's not my fault we've seen those types of things before!  
TOM: Yeah, TigerBot did a feature article on it a couple months back!  
S.KNIGHT: ...I dare not ask...  
  
A red dot appeared right between her eyes.   
  
FALCON: It's time for "Sing Along With Sailor Moon"!  
ALL (Singing): Gomen ne sunao ja nakute, yume no naka nara ieru...  
  
"YIKES!" she screamed, diving out of the way as a hail of bullets cut through the air where her head had just been a second ago.   
  
CROW: Holy crap! They blew Sailor Moon's head clear off her shoulders!  
TUXEDO: Tom, she dove out of the way.  
CROW: I know, but I like it better my way.  
TUXEDO: (Sigh)  
  
"Isn't it way past time for Tuxedo Mask to show up?"  
  
TOM (Director): Sorry Sailor Moon, we forgot to cue the rose and fanfare. Damn new production truck.  
  
***  
  
FALCON: As the bullets keep cutting through the air, creating a huge gash in the space/time continuum...  
  
In a parallel universe, the one where the Moon Scepter is kept and all of the Sailor Scout uniforms wait   
on hangers until they are summoned,   
  
ALL: 0_o  
TOM: Come again?  
FALCON: Did we just read that?  
S.KNIGHT: All I want to know is if it comes with a dry cleaning service.  
  
Tuxedo Mask had somehow blundered into his "special rose" garden   
  
CROW (Barry White): The one's filled with "looooooooooooove..."  
TUXEDO: Stop there.  
  
in full costume. His hat, cape, and tux were hoplessly entangled in all the thorns. He valiantly struggled to escape, but it was to no avail.   
  
FALCON: He somehow managed to remove his costume and leave the dimension in his boxers, which horribly surprised the Senshi when he came to save them.  
S.KNIGHT: Darien? In boxers? (Begins to swoon)  
TOM: Aw, man!  
TUXEDO: Now you've gone and done it!  
FALCON: What did I do...oh, whoops!  
  
"Hang on, Sailor Moon! I'm coming!"   
  
CROW: Hey, I thought this was G-rated!  
S.KNIGHT: (Breaks out of her dream state.) WHAT did you say?!?!?  
CROW: Nothing...nothing...  
  
Yeah, right.   
  
CROW: Damn, the fanfic blew my cover!  
OTHERS: (Start to snicker)  
  
***  
  
FALCON: Still cutting! Nothing out lasts the Air Cutting Bullets! They keep cutting, and cutting, and cutting...  
  
"Mars Celestial Fire SURROUND!" Raye sent her attack at the giant knife. It dodged, and flicked out a   
fire hose, washing her a dozen yards away.   
  
TUXEDO: The knife then flicked out a dry-cleaning attachment to dry, clean, and press her a dozen yards away.  
  
"Oh, no!" gasped Mina, directing her Love Chain to encircle the evil knife.   
  
S.KNIGHT (Sailor Venus): Okay, Love Chain! Go that way!...No, to the left! THE LEFT!  
TOM (Love Chain): Shut up! I got better things to do!  
  
Hundreds of tiny little cupids, with bows and arrows, clicked into place along the knife's surface. Each   
one fired an arrow through each link in Mina's chain, causing it to transform into the Hate Chain, which turned on Mina and began chasing her.   
  
CROW: Cupids turning love into hate?  
FALCON: Geez, they must've gone into a new line of work.  
  
Amy tried to blast it with her bubbles. Something that looked like a fast-moving arm with a large needle popped them all.   
  
ALL (Muted Trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaahhh.  
  
Then a vacuum cleaner attachment came out and sucked in all the freezon each bubble released.   
  
TUXEDO: The knife, soon realizing that Mercury's bubbles were made of WATER and ICE, was screwed.  
FALCON: (Sigh) Always the perfectionist, eh Tuxy?  
TUXEDO: Naturally. And don't call me Tuxy.  
  
To Amy's surprise, instead of returning the attack, the demon released what looked like a large   
transparent frisbee.   
  
CROW: So, it returned Sailor Moon's tiara instead?  
S.KNIGHT: When did she throw it?  
CROW: Details, details...  
  
It hovered in the air, doing something.   
  
TOM: You know...something...nothing really, just...something...  
  
Before she realized what, Amy was on fire!   
  
(Tuxedo Alex' eye starts to twitch, which leads into huge sobbing and convulsions.)  
TUXEDO: NO!!! NOT AGAIN! Amy...Amy's on...on FIRE!!! (Buries his head in his hands.)  
TOM: Crap. He's having "Isobel" flashbacks again.  
FALCON: Isobel? Who's she?  
S.KNIGHT: We'll explain later. (Turns to Alex, putting an arm around him.) Alex, sweetie, it's just a fanfic...  
TUXEDO: Burning...BURNING!!!  
S.KNIGHT: ALEX!  
TUXEDO: (Suddenly snapping back into reality.) Uh...(ahem). Sorry, Michelle...everyone. That scene still gives me nightmares.  
S.KNIGHT: It's okay, Alex. (Gives him a quick peck on the cheek.)  
CROW: Hey, get a room you two!  
(Both heroes give Crow a menacing look. He backs off, and the fanfic is continued.)  
  
The lens was focusing the sun's rays on her. Mercury, too, was forced to run,   
  
FALCON: "Mercury too"? She's the only one being attacked!  
  
or else be roasted on the spot where she stood. But the lens kept tracking her.   
  
CROW: So Sailor Moon's tiara stole Amy's computer as well?  
TOM: This is one pissed off neutral-country tool!  
  
Two different arms clicked out from each side of the knife as it turned to face Lita. The arms positioned themselves akimbo, while a leg with a shoe on it clicked out from underneath and began to tap the   
ground with its toe, impatietly waiting for her to try something.   
  
S.KNIGHT (Swiss Knife): Hey, story? Little help? Could you put something interesting in?  
  
Lita looked around and saw that she was the only one left standing, so she began to chuckle nervously   
and back away. "I..uh...think I'll just take a little walk right now, if you don't mind..."   
  
TUXEDO (Swiss Knife): Oh, no. Go right ahead. I'll be standing right here when you come back.  
CROW (Swiss Knife): Granted I'll have destroyed all of Japan and have sent Europe sinking into the ocean, but I'll be standing right here!  
  
The knife just spat out a wooden chair.   
  
ALL: (Make loogy-hocking sounds.)  
  
One with leg straps and arm straps and a metal helmet over the seat which had wires leading back to the knife. It grabbed Lita and started strapping her in.   
  
FALCON: This is some weird-ass form of bondage.  
TUXEDO: Adam...  
  
***  
  
TOM: As the bullets cut through western Los Angeles...  
  
"That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more," said the figure in the shadows, whipping out a green tin can and holding it up into the air. "Spinnachk Power!"   
  
ALL: @_@  
FALCON: No...it can't be...  
S.KNIGHT: It's a crossover between...  
CROW: Sailor Moon and...and...  
TUXEDO: POPEYE?!?!?!?  
TOM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OO-oOoooo-NNNNOOOonnnooO-___----__--...  
(Tom's head explodes, sending 3 Musketeers bars everywhere.)  
TUXEDO: Okay, nobody panic. Falcon, hand me another head. Crow, for the love of SERENITY lay off the hentai jokes. As for the rest, pray to whatever higher power you believe in. This is gonna get ugly...  
  
He squeezed the can until the top popped off, then he emptied the contents into his mouth. Two chews   
and a gulp later,   
  
S.KNIGHT: His face turned a nice shade of blue and choked to death. The End.  
FALCON: (While searching a box under his seat for a new Tom head.) So, what's on Saturday Anime?  
  
a wave of transformation enveloped his body, accompanied by the usual trumpet fanfare.   
  
CROW: Is it just me, or are there steroids in that crap he eats?  
TUXEDO: To be honest, I'm leaning towards agreeing with you on that one.  
  
***  
  
Lita was visibly sweating as the metal helmet was brought down upon her head.   
  
FALCON: (Finds a new Tom head and hands it to Alex.) Okay, Sailor Jupiter does the "Supreme Thunder" move, sending shocks through all the wires and stuff, destroying the monster!  
TUXEDO: (Takes the head, starts to attach it on Tom's body.) We can only hope.  
  
A digital timer on the knife had begun to count down from ten seconds. The knife had offered her a blindfold, but she refused it.   
  
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Blindfold?  
S.KNIGHT (Lita): No.  
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Cigarette?  
S.KNIGHT (Lita): No.  
FALCON (Swiss Knife): What do you want on your Tombstone?  
S.KNIGHT (Lita): Pepperoni and Sausage.  
FALCON (Swiss Knife): One Tombstone Pizza over here!  
  
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a rather beefy fist attached to a lightning bolt punched the knife in its midsection, causing loose springs to come flying out of it.   
  
CROW: The springs changed to summers, then autumns, then winters, then came back and froze the knife and Popeye to death.  
OTHERS: ...  
TOM: (Going back online.) Stick to the hentai jokes.  
S.KNIGHT: Let's not and say we did.  
  
The demon exploded, raining debris that came down in the form of a table, tablecloth, dishes and   
silverware that all fell into proper place, complete with a roasted turkey as centerpiece.   
  
TUXEDO: What? No fancy final attack? No monster shouting their final cry as they become normal again? No thank you for saving the day?  
FALCON: Apparently not, but now I'm hungry.  
TUXEDO: You're not helping any.  
  
The flying fist continued on to the lens that was pestering Amy and smashed it.   
  
S.KNIGHT: The Moon Tiara! No!  
  
It then took hold of the Hate Chain that was after Mina, and twisted it into a large blow drier which   
dried Raye off in no time.   
  
TOM: Then twisted it into a press machine to press her!  
CROW: It's been done already.  
  
The fist then reassumed human form among them.   
  
FALCON: If you mean a monstrous steroid-ridden piece of flesh as human, that is.  
  
The girls gathered around him in astonishment.   
  
ALL (Sailor Senshi): What the (BLEEP) is going on?!?  
MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language!  
  
"Gee, thanks, mister," said Sailor Moon, her pupils turning into little hearts. "We needed help big time. What's your name?"   
  
"I'm Popeye the Sailor Man," said the stranger.   
  
(The entire group convulses, groans, utter extreme curses, and / or vomit at the extremely bad joke.)  
  
"I punishks all evildoers, espeshkally them's that beats up on female goils of the oppozik sexsk."   
  
CROW (Popeye): Includingk goils with eksteamly longk legsk. Uk uk uk uk uk!  
TUXEDO: Well, it worked for Olive Oil...  
FALCON: Wait...girls of the opposite sex? Since when are there two female genders?  
S.KNIGHT: There's lots of things men don't know about us!  
FALCON: ...I'm afraid now.  
S.KNIGHT: (Laughs maniacally)  
  
"Nooo! Get outa town! A Sailor MAN?" asked Sailor Moon.   
  
"Sure! Ya thinks just anybody can eatsk spinnachk and do what I do? I gets me powers from the planet   
Man."   
  
TOM: Okay, if I think about how they reproduce, my head is gonna blow again.  
TUXEDO: Good move.  
  
"Wait a minute," interrupted Mercury. "There is no planet called Man in the solar system!"   
  
"Well, not any more," said Popeye.   
  
S.KNIGHT: Well, when Popeye goes for one of his Spinach Binges, who knows where he'll go, or what he'll do...  
  
"That's 'cause it blew up a long time ago. Nuttin' left but a asteroids belt now. Ohhh."   
  
"Cheer up, Popeye," said Mina. "For whatever it's worth, all the other planets are lifeless now, too."   
  
FALCON: You know a planet is lifeless when it gets its own Jerry Springer clone.  
  
"I know. But it's home, and it still brinks a tear to me eye. Oh, well. Ya gots room for one more member   
on your team?"   
  
TOM (Bluto): Hey, ya runt! I'm gonna be on the team!  
TUXEDO (Popeye): Says who?  
S.KNIGHT (Sailor Moon): Says me! Go home!  
  
"Sure!" said Raye. "That good-for-nothing Tuxedo Mask stood us up just when we needed him most. We   
could use somebody like you."  
  
CROW (Raye): To be our "slave"...  
TUXEDO: Crow!  
  
"And I think you're a hunk," said Sailor Moon, taking one of his ham-shaped arms in hers.   
  
S.KNIGHT: And running away with it!  
TUXEDO (Popeye): Hey! Dat's me fistin' arm!  
FALCON: ...Buddy, you do not know how wrong that sounded!  
TUXEDO: Ugh...  
  
Popeye blushed. "Aw, shucks. And you're way cuter than me last goilfriend."   
  
TOM (Popeye): You're leggsk 'r even longa! Uk uk uk uk uk!  
S.KNIGHT: Tom...  
  
Raye's mouth dropped open. "Serena! You've got to be kidding. He's got to be over twice your age!"   
  
"Wake up and live in the nineties!" said Popeye and Serena at the same time.   
  
CROW: It's 2000. Get over yourself.  
  
Then they smiled at one another and kissed.   
  
Raye, Amy, and Mina got a little disgusted and went home.   
  
FALCON: Tom, Crow, Tuxedo Alex, Silver Knight, and Falcon Knight got a little sick and left the theater.  
S.KNIGHT: Good idea.  
(Dr. Forrester is heard over the P.A. system)  
DR. F.: There's more to it. You stay. Besides, I'm not cleaning that mess up!   
  
***  
  
S.KNIGHT: As the bullets cut through the Empire State Building in New York...  
  
Then a rose flew through the air and stuck into the ground.   
  
CROW: About damn time, Cape-boy! Where were ya?  
TUXEDO (Mask): An author's plot contrivance. What else is new?  
  
"Unhand that young girl, you old pervert!" Tuxedo Mask stood before the lovers with his clothes in   
shreds, looking like an absolute disgrace.   
  
"You!" said Sailor Moon. "Look at you!   
  
S.KNIGHT: Okay! (Starts to swoon again.)  
OTHERS: SILVER!  
S.KNIGHT: (Snaps out of it.) Whoops, got carried away...  
  
You're a mess! And where have you been? Why don't you get lost, you loser!"   
  
"Serena! I don't know what kind of spell this old pervert has put over you, but you're coming with me!" Tuxedo Mask tried to take her   
  
CROW: In the middle of the road?  
FALCON: In front of her new boyfriend, no less?  
  
by the arm.  
  
CROW & FALCON: Oh.  
  
Popeye set his right fist spinning like a propeller, punching Tuxedo Mask under his jaw and sending him flying off to somewhere on the other side of the world.   
  
TOM: Hey, he passed by those cutting bullets!  
  
"Uk-uk-uk-uk-uk!" laughed Popeye. "Now where was we?"   
  
The two of them strolled off together.   
  
TUXEDO: ...into a really big volcano, turning them into a molten mess! The End.  
S.KNIGHT: That was random.  
CROW: Indeed.  
  
***  
  
FALCON: As the bullets cut through the Eiffel Tower in France...  
  
"Uh, guys? Somebody? Anybody? Could somebody please get me out of this thing?" cried Lita, still   
strapped to the chair.   
  
TOM: Here we go again...  
ALL (Muted trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah...  
  
***  
  
TUXEDO: As the bullets cut back to their original target and slice off Popeye's head!  
CROW: (To the others) I'm starting to worry about him.  
S.KNIGHT: He's feeling the after-effects of the Amy scene.  
  
Popeye and Serena sat on a park bench, necking, when a child fell out of the sky onto Serena's head.   
This strange kid had a hairstyle like Serena's, but facial features like Popeye's, and brought along a floating creature that kept saying something like "jeep." The kid's name was Swipi...   
  
But that's another story...   
  
ALL: (@)_(@)  
(Complete silence...and then...)  
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!  
S.KNIGHT: That is just not right!  
CROW: Completely sick!  
(Tom's head explodes again, showering more 3 Musketeers bars around the theater.)  
FALCON: Man, Tom went off again!  
TUXEDO: Who can blame him? (Sigh) Carry him out of the theater, guys. Nothing more to see here.  
CROW: Amen.  
  
(All exit the theater.)  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(The heroes and the Bots walk back into the rumpus room, and it looks completely spotless. Gypsy is in the corner wit a mop, broom, and water bucket visible, panting heavily. Falcon Knight gets busy attaching Tom's new head.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Wow, Gypsy! I gotta hand it to you! The place looks spotless!  
GYPSY: *Pant* I did *Pant* the best *Pant* I could. *Pant*  
TUXEDO: Well Gypsy, old girl, I think you've earned yourself the rest of the day off.  
GYPSY: Really?  
CROW: Well, keep Life Support and Power going, but other than that, go nuts!  
GYPSY: Wow, thanks! (She exits)  
FALCON: Well, I got Tom's new head back on.  
TOM: Yeah, sorry I went off like that...hey, why does the clock say 3999 as the year?  
TUXEDO: What? (He checks the clock very quickly.) Oh no, the clock says it's almost midnight!  
FALCON: I didn't do it!  
S.KNIGHT: Or me!  
TOM: Me either!  
  
(Everyone in the room takes a suspicious look at Crow.)  
  
CROW: Well, I kinda wanted to do a Y4K test, and...  
  
(Suddenly, the Genma cutout reappears from the floor, with another crude recording.)  
  
RECORDING: Con-on-on-ongradulations-s-s-s-s on reaching the-e-e-e-e year fo-fo-four thousand-and-and! For li-i-iving this long, please accept this-is-is Chee-e-e-ese Fountain-ain as a gift-t-t-t-t. Enjoy!  
FALCON: Oh, no.  
TOM: And we gave Gypsy the day off!  
CROW: Oh boy! Cheese!  
S.KNIGHT: Damn you Crow! (Sigh) Here we go again.  
TUXEDO: Maybe we can check with the Doc and see how to disable it. (Presses the communications button.) Hey, Doc?  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(Dr. Forrester, and the original TV's Frank, are surrounded by the Frank clones. This time, however, each one looks like they're about to attack, and carrying a menacing object.)  
  
DR. F.: Can't talk to you know, weasels. The clones have just declared mutiny on us!  
CLONES: FOR FRANKDOME!  
DR. F.: And they took my remote to dispose of them!  
FRANK: Come on, guys! It's me, the original! Can't we all be friends?  
CLONES: Oh, no! We're not falling for that!  
DR. F.: Then you wouldn't mind if he just pushes the button.  
FRANK: Yeah, let me push the button!  
CLONES: Oh, no! We're pushing the button!  
  
(The clones all run at the same time to the button, but once again manage to collide into each other and fall to the ground.)  
  
DR. F.: (Snickers) They may be superior to the original, but not in intelligence. (He calmly steps over the bodies and pushes the button.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
Authors Notes  
  
Well, after an unexpected sabbatical, I've returned to the MSTing forum! I took a temporary leave of absence to complete my high school transcripts and college applications. But the good news is that I've gotten accepted into college! Can't say which one I'm going to, though. I've gotten two acceptances so far, and I'll make a choice soon. Anyway, hopefully I'll pump out more of these MSTs regularly. (Boy, does that sound familiar.) And maybe I'll update my website for a second time! (Pauses to laugh at himself.) Well, see you next time!  
  
@@@@@  
  
More Disclaimers  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)  
  
Stinger: "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man," said the stranger.  



	7. Episode 17: 'Sailor Moon Meets Her Books...

Ah, what a night! Kyle had himself another fine night of wine, women and song! Personally, I think I overdid it on...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 17: SAILOR MOON MEET HER BOOKS AUTHOR (BY DR. THINKER)  
  
But before we go on, here are some:  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
"Sailor Moon Meet Her Books Author" belongs to Dr. Thinker and he's welcome to it. The riffing of this piece is not meant to insult the author, or the piece itself. It was all done with fun in mind, and is meant to be taken lightly.  
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(Tuxedo Alex is on the bridge, as well as Tom and Crow in the background. Both of the Bots are currently laughing their heads off about Tuxedo's current attire, which simply is a white muscle shirt, and black sweatpants.)  
  
TUXEDO: Hey, everyone! Welcome back to the Satellite of Love! I suppose you're wondering why I'm not in my "normal" attire, as it were...  
CROW: (Whistles) Lookin' good there, Sans-Cape Boy! (The Bots are in hysterics.)  
TUXEDO: Shut up! Anyway, if you remember our Y3K problem from last time, the Bots decided to test out Y4K, Y5K, and Y6K on us...  
TOM: Gotta love that cheese!  
CROW: And the whipped cream!  
TOM: And the sour crout!  
TUXEDO: Guys!  
  
(Falcon Knight enters the bridge, also in a muscle shirt and black sweatpants.)  
  
FALCON: I'm going to reprogram the main clock, okay?  
TUXEDO: Fine, fine. Anyway, so all these fountains came out, spraying all kinds of gunk everywhere, totally soiling our uniforms. They're being pressed by Gypsy right now. But until then...  
FALCON: All Tom and Crow gave us to wear are these stupid, old clothes!  
TOM: Hey, just so you know, those are Joel's old work clothes!  
TUXEDO: And you just so happened to give Silver the bottom of the barrel?  
CROW: But she looks good in them!  
S.KNIGHT: (From the back) I'm not coming out!  
FALCON: (Yelling to the back) Silver, it's okay! We already explained this to Bots!  
TUXEDO: (To Falcon) I don't think so. Crow already made a pass at me.  
CROW: Bite me!  
TUXEDO: You would!  
FALCON: So, Plan B then?  
TUXEDO: (Grins Maniacally) Lets.  
  
(Falcon reaches behind Crow, and flips a small switch. Alex does the same for Tom. Crow's eyes and Tom's dome both go dark.)  
  
TOM: Hey, what the...  
CROW: I can't see anything!  
TUXEDO: Good. (To the back) You can come out, Michelle! The Peanut Gallery's subdued!  
S.KNIGHT: (From the back.) Okay. Please be kind...  
  
(Sailor Silver Knight enters the bridge in a white tank top, and blue shorts that reach down to just above her knees.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Are you sure that there are no other clothes on this stupid Satellite?  
FALCON: Well, that's what the Bots told us...  
TUXEDO: Either way, you don't look as bad as you think.  
S.KNIGHT: I feel kind of better since the Bots can't see me...  
TOM: I'm blind! What does she look like?  
CROW: Is she wearing the thong I left her?  
S.KNIGHT: The WHAT?!?  
TUXEDO: (Sigh) We'll be right back...  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(The Bots are moping around in a corner of the bridge. Tuxedo Alex, Sailor Silver Knight, and Falcon Knight are smiling all the while.)  
S.KNIGHT: Do you know when our uniforms will be ready?  
FALCON: Gypsy said it'll take a couple more hours for them to be finished.  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, but the sooner I feel more covered, the better.  
TUXEDO: You look fine for the time being, Silver. Truth be told, I feel somewhat naked without my tux.  
CROW: (Springing up) Did someone say naked?  
TUXEDO: Not that kind of naked!  
CROW: Oh. (Goes back to moping)  
  
(The message lights on the SOL begin to flash.)  
  
TUXEDO: Well, looks like Hiro Yui and Duo Maxwell are calling.  
S.KNIGHT: Really? Duo!!!  
FALCON: The Mads, Silver.  
S.KNIGHT: I know, but I can dream, can't I?  
  
(Tuxedo Alex presses the button, as Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank appear on the screen. Both are making final checks outside what seems to be a giant foot. Frank is holding a clip board, checking off what is in place.)  
  
DR. F.: Mutiple gun turrets?  
FRANK: Check!  
DR. F.: Thermal-scythe?  
FRANK: Check!  
DR. F.: And finally, Frank, is the darn thing water-proof?  
FRANK: Check, and Double Check, Steve!  
DR. F.: Good, my #1 lacky! (Turns to face the screen.) Oh, hello my...hmmm, did I catch you at a bad time?  
TUXEDO: Skip the jokes, Doc. Blame all those fountains!  
DR. F.: Okay, okay. Well, have I got something to show you this week! Frank, board the Gundam while I pan the camera out.  
FRANK: Sure thing, Doc!  
S.KNIGHT: Did he just say...Gundam?  
FALCON: I got a weird feeling about this...  
  
(The camera is moved back to show a huge robot in the bowels of the laboratory. It looks exactly like the Gundam: Wing Zero. Frank gets in while Dr. F. is explaining.)  
  
DR. F.: As you all well know, the Gundams are giant robots that are built for the purposes of battle. The pilot by name of Hiro lays claim to the Gundams Wing and Wing Zero. And so, I have decided to expand upon this wonderful franchise with my Gundam: Wing 1/2! (Takes out a walkie-talkie and starts to speak in it.) Ready, Frank?  
FRANK: As I ever was!  
HEROES: ......  
TUXEDO: This...this better not be what I think it is...  
DR. F.: Pay attention This Gundam looks exactly like Wing Zero. But observe...  
  
(Forrester proceeds to splash it with a bucket of cold water. The Gundam suddenly changes into a feminine robot.)  
  
DR. F.: And voila! Instant female Gundam! With this tool, the opponents of Wing 1/2 will be so lulled by its beauty and charm that Wing 1/2 will have complete control of the battle! This Gundam is INVINCIBLE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(The three heroes look at the Gundam, then eachother, then burst out laughing.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Hah hah hah! You actually believe that "thing" is useful?  
TUXEDO: That is the...hahahaha...the STUPIDEST idea you've had in a long time!  
FALCON: So, how many fiancées does it have? Heh heh heh!  
TOM: What's going on? What's this about females?  
TUXEDO: Trust me, you don't want to know.  
DR. F.: You dare to mock me? Mock MY brilliance?!? Well then, I guess we should start the experiment a little early, now shall we?  
FRANK: (From the walkie-talkie) Uh, Doc? There's someone in the cockpit with me!  
DR. F.: (Ignoring Frank) And believe me, this fanfic is one that WILL make you Think!...er...  
ALL: (Drop dead silence)  
DR. F.: I believe I've said it all. Ta ta, Magic Knights!  
FRANK: (From the walkie-talkie) Doc! There's this guy all over the controls!  
VOICE: (From the walkie-talkie) Where the heck am I now? Who are you? Where is Furikan High?!?  
  
(The hexfield cuts off. A few moments of silence pass before anyone says a word.)  
  
CROW: Thinker. I knew ONE of these days, there would be Thinker!  
FALCON: I'm not even gonna comment on what the Mads have in that Gundam...  
S.KNIGHT: It's going to be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG day...  
  
(The klaxons start going off around the Satellite.)  
  
TUXEDO: And it's not ending yet, cause we got THINKER SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
TOM: Where's the Theater?  
TUXEDO: Oops, forgot... (The heroes start directing the Bots to their next torment.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
THEATER  
  
(All the participants take their respective seating. From right to left, Crow, Silver, Tuxedo, Falcon, Tom. Tom and Crow have to be guided to their seats.)  
TOM: Hey, since we can't see, we don't have to suffer the fanfic!  
CROW: A blessing in disguise!  
(Tuxedo and Falcon "remedy" this problem by returning the Bot's eyesight.  
BOTS: Aw, (BLEEP)  
TUXEDO: Watch the language!  
  
SAILOR MOON AND SAILOR SCOUTS  
In  
  
TOM: ...A poorly done piece of mother(BLEEP)ing trash!  
TUXEDO: Look, Tom, just because it's by Thinker doesn't mean you have to bash the author.  
TOM: I know, but it's THINKER!  
TUXEDO: Try to let it go, okay?  
  
"Sailor Moon Meet Her Books Author"  
by Dr. Thinker  
  
S.KNIGHT: Does this mean that she's gonna rip Thinker a new one?  
FALCON: Trust me, if Thinker wrote a book, than it would be the end of human kind as we know it.  
TUXEDO: Guys! I thought I made it clear! No author bashing!  
  
'  
Note 1: All characters are owned by Mixx Enterrtaiment, DIC, Teoi, and Naoko Takeuchi.  
  
CROW (Thinker): And Fru Fru, my poodle.  
  
Note 2: This takes place in the animated series, just a year after "Sailor Galixa" is defeated.  
  
CROW: Who's that?  
TOM: I think he was trying to say Galaxia, or there's a new season of Sailor Moon in Japan we don't know about.  
S.KNIGHT: Really?  
TOM: It's just speculation!  
S.KNIGHT: Oh.  
  
#############  
  
ALL (Chanting): Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...Number 9...  
  
In a bookstore, some in the city of Japan.   
  
TUXEDO: In the town of Asia, in the state of Earth, in the country of the Solar System, on the continent of the universe...  
FALCON: You think that there would be MANY bookstores in Japan, but according to Thinker...  
  
A female long blonde hair that was tied up in twin ponytails   
  
TOM: Was she tied up in a slip knot or a hitch knot?  
S.KNIGHT: You know Serena's having a bad day when she gets tangled up in her own hair...  
  
was making a crazy scence there.   
  
CROW: At least it's better than making no sense at all.  
  
Her long arms and legs were knocking books and tripping people.   
  
FALCON: If that's the case, she can knock and trip me anytime!  
TUXEDO: ADAM!  
  
"Serena, how old are you?" ask a black hair female.   
  
TOM (Serena): Hotaru, for the last time, I'm not interested!  
S.KNIGHT: Tom...  
  
"I'm 16. Going on 17, Raye." laughed Serena.   
  
ALL (Singing): I'm just sixteen, going on seventeen, I-I'll take ca-are of you!  
  
"You should know that."  
  
"Well, you making it like you going on 3 years old." retorted Raye.   
  
CROW: Retorted?  
FALCON: Big words for the small-minded Thinker.  
TUXEDO: Guys, stop the author bashing!  
  
"What in heck are you laughing about?"   
  
S.KNIGHT: They're in Heck now? Did I miss a scene change or something?  
  
She laughed "We going to have Sailor Meeting, this afternoon."  
  
TOM (Serena): We're gonna go "meet" some "sailors", if you know what I mean!  
S.KNIGHT: Tom...  
  
Raye thought. First thing, get Amy out of that virus section of that computer store,   
  
FALCON: Amy's shopping for computer viruses?  
CROW (Amy): Yes, I'll take the one that formats my hard drive, and two little viruses that lock up my mouse!  
  
then get Lita and Mina out that record store.   
  
TUXEDO (Raye): And put them back into the present with CDs and Mini-Discs.  
  
"Darrien picking you up, Serena?" ask Raye.  
  
S.KNIGHT (Serena): Yep! And he's gonna put me down, and pick me up again, and put me down again... (Begins to swoon)  
TUXEDO: Silver, come back to reality...  
S.KNIGHT: But...but I like it so much here!  
  
"Yes, my dad doesn't mind him anymore." replied a still laughing Serena.   
  
ALL: o_0  
TOM: Just like that? Her father doesn't mind a college bound guy taking out his four-year younger daughter?  
CROW (Kenji): You know, Darien, you may be a heckuva lot older than my Serena, and might possibly take advantage of her because of her age, but I just don't mind you anymore! Put'er there, pal!  
  
Picking a pink book.  
  
FALCON: ...and? Doc? Little help?  
TUXEDO: Me thinks that's as close as we're going to get to a complete sentence.  
FALCON: Hey, I thought you said no author bashing!  
TUXEDO: I never said Thinker's name!  
S.KNIGHT: But you have to admit that you implied it!  
TUXEDO: (Grumble)  
  
############################  
  
ALL (Singing): You know my name! Look up the number!  
  
Later, at the Temple, Raye fill in on what happen at the bookstore.   
  
S.KNIGHT (Raye): Serena tied herself up in her own hair, she kept tripping people, we went to Heck for a few seconds, and Serena got a pink book. It was fun.  
  
Serena was walking with Artemis and Luna. Artemis have spend a few days at Serena's house   
  
FALCON (Serena): Ooh, kitty love sweet!  
OTHERS: Adam...  
FALCON: What! It came from an actual episode!  
  
since Mina was upset about something, but she clam down.   
  
TOM: She clamed down?  
CROW: Better than oystering up, I suppose.  
  
But Artemis didn't want to resteamed thing up.   
  
S.KNIGHT: Wait a second...clam, steam...he wrote that on purpose!  
TUXEDO: Holy crap! Thinker's purposely writing bad grammar?!?  
TOM: Well that settles it. There is no God...  
  
Serena sit down and cafely place a book on the table.   
  
CROW: Okay, make up your mind. Are we at a café, or the temple?  
FALCON: ...That was bad.  
CROW: I know. *snif*  
  
Amy, Raye, Mina, Darrien and Lita have they mouth drop other.   
  
FALCON (Announcer) And here comes Amy's mouth, and it drops Raye's mouth into the trash can! But here come's Lita's mouth, and...oh, it dropped Darien's mouth off a cliff!  
TUXEDO: Adam, lay off the caffeine.  
  
They saw a picture of Serena s Sailor Moon and her black cat with the cresent moon, Luna.   
  
S.KNIGHT: And Fru Fru the poodle.  
  
The title read: Naoko Takeuchi's Sailor Moon. They was a small section that reads: BASED ON THE TV HIT SERIES,   
  
MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! FOURTH WALL ALERT!  
(The fourth wall klaxons blaze in the theater.)  
TOM: Not again!  
FALCON: Damn you, Thinker!  
TUXEDO: Stop bashing the Doc!  
FALCON: You're not doing a good job of stopping yourself either, Tuxy!  
TUXEDO: Don't call me Tuxy!  
S.KNIGHT: Would you two stop bickering?  
CROW: Hey, we unfortunately apologize for all of Thinker's breaks in the fourth wall!  
(The klaxons cease.)  
FALCON: Tuxy, Tuxy, Tuxy!  
TUXEDO: Up yours, up yours, up yours!  
S.KNIGHT: GUYS!  
FALCON & TUXEDO: Sorry.  
S.KNIGHT: I swear, we're gonna need leashes on you two...  
  
before you get the left end of the picture. At the bottom, tey was the company that created th e book,   
  
CROW: Yes, it's Tey! The new Sailor Moon translation company! A subdivision of Evil Guy Products!  
TOM: Subscribe to the official Tey newsletter, and receive our free company catalog!  
FALCON: Any way you can plug the catalog, huh?  
  
Smile,   
  
ALL: (Have big goofy grins on their faces.)  
  
and the title of this book: "THE POWER OF LOVE" in yellow.   
  
S.KNIGHT (Singing): You got to belieeeee-eeeeeeeve in the pooooooo-wer of love...  
FALCON: Damn, he inserted REAL books into this thing?  
CROW: Dr. Thinker: Master of Fourth Wall Manipulation  
  
"I dare you to read all of it. I going to check on Raye's grand-pain." Serena said.   
  
"Grand-pain?" ask Amy.  
  
"Since he's alway somewhat of pain to me, I start to talk when Grandpa isn't around as a Grand-pain." states Raye.   
  
TUXEDO: And if you were using him, would he be a Grand-pawn?  
TOM: And if he was just a big joke, would he be a Grand-pun?  
FALCON: And if he was a horse, would he be a Grand-pony?  
CROW: And if you use him as a cooking utensil, would he be a Grand-pan?  
S.KNIGHT: And if he was a balloon, and he burst, would he Grand-pop?  
TOM: Our Grand joke, ladies and gentlemen!  
  
####################  
  
After checking with Grandpa Hino, who was planting some more Cherry Trees.   
  
FALCON (Grandpa): Okay, this makes it 55 trees today!  
TUXEDO (Raye): You Grand-pain! We can't get in the house because you surrounded it with trees!  
  
Serena come back to the temple, to see the Sailor Scouts accidently strangely.   
  
CROW: How can you act strange by accident?  
S.KNIGHT: Believe me, you do it all the time.  
CROW: I'll have you know that I act strange when I want to!...wait...  
  
Darrien was jump and duck   
  
ALL: 0_o  
TOM: Um...tonight, the role of Darien will be played by Jump And Duck?  
FALCON: Nice recovery.  
  
trying not to get it by the laughing scout.  
  
"What happen here?" ask Serena  
  
TUXEDO (Darien): What happened? I got replaced by a friggin' jumping duck!  
  
"The book that you give them turn them in laughing scouts." read Darrien.  
  
CROW (Darien): Excuse me while I check the script for my next line.  
  
"I wonder how the Outer Scouts would been done!" laughed Mina.  
  
TOM: I'd say about medium rare.  
  
"I wonder how the Sailor Starlights would been done!" laugh Lita.  
  
S.KNIGHT: I'd have to go with well-done myself.  
  
"I wonder who that little Rabbit, would been done!" laughed Raye.   
  
FALCON: BURNT TO A (BLEEP)ING CRISP!  
TUXEDO: C'mon, Chibi-usa isn't that bad. And watch the language.  
  
"I wonder who the rest of Inner ScoutsI would be done." laughed Amy  
  
CROW: A decent translation company, like Mixx Entertainment?  
  
Luna was aslo laughing as well as Artemis.   
  
ALL (Chanting ala the official "Triple H" chant): AAA-SLOO! AAA-SLOO!  
  
"Blondie? Oy, good, fake Darrien.   
  
S.KNIGHT: Darien's a fake?  
TUXEDO: Who could blame him? The real Darien probably didn't sign up for this project.  
  
Better then, Meatball head. Nice "Gap" joke, fake Serena."   
  
FALCON: There's a gap between Serena's fake...  
S.KNIGHT: Save it.  
  
"Even our guardain cats?" replied Serena.   
  
"You mean 'hydenas', don't you, Serena." replied Darrien.  
  
TOM: ...What the heck...are "hydenas"?  
CROW: He might've been trying to say "hyenas" or something.  
TUXEDO: Great, so the evil creatures from The Lion King are invading the story?  
  
Serena snicked then sit down. "Don't forget to read the one dealing with the Jazz mucians. It's was got me."  
  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, if that wasn't a deleted episode from Japan, I'd have no idea what the heck what was just said.  
TUXEDO: Since when do we know anyway?  
S.KNIGHT: Touché.  
  
"Ouch! Now I know, why, that guy that just recently forget about us. Dr. Thinker like corny jokes." laughed Artemis. "Bat-man's evil twin sister? Bat-friend? Holy Moon Power! At least fake Luna, got a good comeback for fake Serena. "  
  
FALCON: ...um...uh...Anybody got a Thinker-to-English dictionary?  
CROW: Hold on...(Pulls out a Thinker-English dictionary.) Hmm...YAARGH! Thinker put a Self Insertion in there somewhere!  
TOM: I guess the alarms didn't pick it up, being so garbled.  
  
Serena, Amy, Raye, Mina, Lita, Artemis and picture the young writer in a bedroom   
  
S.KNIGHT: Artemis too?  
FALCON: I never new that cat was like that!  
TUXEDO: Adam...  
  
with a nice light green sheets on his bed. tossing   
  
CROW: Salads?  
TUXEDO: Crow...  
  
in laughing up a storm.   
  
Amy stop laughing and pick up the book. "I'm going look at the inside title page. It said . Written by Ann & Allen Tezan."  
  
TOM (Amy): I'd look on the cover on the book, but I look for my answers the hard way!  
  
"Ann & Allen Tezaun." replied Serena. "I bet 3 of Neptune and Uranus's music CD to 3 of Three Lights!   
  
FALCON (Sailor Uranus): Hey! Don't you bet my music CDs without asking me!  
TOM: (Sailor Star Fighter): Too late. She all ready wagered my band's equipment and lost it...  
  
That that is Ann and Al. Does in has the Addres."   
  
"Yes. It seem to close to the last place a normal person might explace.   
  
S.KNIGHT (Amy): And since we're all abnormal people, we're able to explace EXACTLY where they live!  
CROW (Darien): We even know what explace MEANS!  
  
They are using a penthouse across from the penthouse they used the last time." replied Amy.   
  
ALL (Muted Trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaah...  
  
###############################  
  
Ann was checking the new Caridans, they used.   
  
TUXEDO: She was wondering if they were compatible with Windows 2000.  
  
It turns out that Cardains can turn DEAD humans into energy.   
  
TOM: So if the Cardains can do that, do the Caridans do something completely different?  
  
The police would just think that lot of earthworms would be there and eatted them dead humans.   
  
CROW: But they would notice the big holes where the coffins would be, wouldn't they?  
FALCON: Man, Thinker's gotta rethink his contrivances...hey, Thinker rethinking! Hehehehe...  
S.KNIGHT: Don't quit your day job.  
  
"Well, at least that helps us out, Dovus" stated Ann as Dovus spit energy into part of "Tree of Life".   
  
ALL: (Pretend to spit at the screen)  
  
Allen had a computer near by.  
  
"Keep it quiet!   
  
FALCON: Oh, come on! They can hear us through the screen?  
TUXEDO: Hey, it worked for "Evil Guy"...  
  
I'm busy writting the last chapter of book 3 of our Sailor Moon books." replied Allen  
  
KNOCK!!  
KNOCK!!  
  
S.KNIGHT: Who's there?  
TUXEDO: Thinker  
S.KNIGHT: Thinker who?  
TUXEDO: I "Thinker" beautiful, Michelle.  
S.KNIGHT: (Blushes slightly and smiles) Alex...  
  
KNOCK!!  
KNOCK!!  
  
CROW: Who's there?  
FALCON: Pantyhose.  
CROW: Pantyhose who?  
FALCON: "Pant-he-hose" the girls down for the swimsuit competition?  
(Both hentais start laughing.)  
  
KNOCK!!  
KNOCK!!  
  
TOM: Who's there?  
CROW: Hormones.  
TOM: Hormones who?  
CROW: Hormones when you don't pay her!  
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!  
(Hundreds of roses once again pierce the Bots.)  
CROW: Ow! Well, I thought it was funny...  
  
"What's that famous humaniod saying about this, Al?" ask Ann.   
  
TOM: Uh, come again?  
S.KNIGHT: We've been asking that throughout the entire thing...  
  
"Who would be crazy to knock at this dog gone hour of the night?" replied Allen.  
  
TUXEDO: Fru Fru the Poodle?  
FALCON: Would you shut up with this Fru Fru business?  
  
"Thought so." replied Ann.  
  
"I did not." replied Allen. "Remember we can read minds."   
  
CROW: Okay, now...now this is just...just...  
TUXEDO: We know, buddy. This thing is REALLY taxing.  
CROW: I'm mean I...I ran out of riffs for this thing!  
S.KNIGHT: Is that a good thing, or...  
CROW: Come on! We still have a ton of this 'fic to go through still, and we're running out of good stuff!  
TOM: He has a point.  
FALCON: I guess all we can do now is hope for the best...or if the Scouts suddenly strip and start a massive...  
TUXEDO: (Places hand over Falcon's mouth) Right...  
  
Ann got a sweatdrop on her face and she exit the room. She open.   
  
TOM: ...her external skeleton, revealing the hideous mechanical body underneath!  
  
They stop her ex-enemy sercet indenity, Serena...a.k.a Sailor Moon. Serena was holding the 2 second of the seires book they are created.  
  
S.KNIGHT (Dexter): At last! My 2 second series of books have been created!!!  
FALCON: Huh?  
S.KNIGHT: Can you come up with something better?  
  
"What's up?" ask Ann.  
  
"Well, are you guys behind his book." replied Serena.   
  
CROW (Al): No, usually I'm the one "behind". Heh heh heh!  
TUXEDO: Crow!  
  
"Yeah. I did you know." ask Ann.  
  
FALCON (Road Dogg): Well, ass call better your somebody-eeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
"Ann & Allen Tezaun. It' you said Tezan, fast it sounds like tree." replied Serena.  
  
TOM: Faster than the speed of tree, able to leap tall redwoords in a single bound...  
  
"Why in HECK are you doing this?" ask Serena.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Okay, we're back in Heck now? Geez, I gotta pay more attention.  
  
"Well, you see. We want to thank you for helping us out. So we decede on writting a book about it." replied Allen.   
  
TOM: But the books take place from the beginning, don't they?  
FALCON: Details, details. This is THINKER!  
TOM: Oh, I forgot.  
  
"Sweet, you guys." replied. "But what's this name every location expect for Crown Aracade, Crossroad."  
  
S.KNIGHT: Aracade? Spiders?!?!? (Starts to shiver)  
TUXEDO: But Silver...  
S.KNIGHT: Thinker put SPIDERS in this?!?  
CROW: Geez, get a gip!  
TUXEDO: Yeah, Thinker made mistake #178,595 and misspelled "Arcade"! That's all.  
S.KNIGHT: (Calming down) Okay...  
  
"It takes place in Crossroad City, U.S.A" replied Ann.  
  
"Nice work!" replied Serena.   
  
FALCON (Serena): ...at screwing us up into crappy Dub people! What were you thinking?  
  
"At least it isn't Tokyo. That would most likely help us."   
  
"So how did you get those stories." replied Ann.   
  
TOM: Huh? She's asking Serena how she wrote her OWN stories?  
CROW: Interesting...to say the least...  
  
"In one universe, we thought Crystral Tokyo was a different city, but it wasn't." replied Serena. "Queen Serena makes have to write book in a diffent universe. "  
  
TOM: And SERENA has an EXPLANATION?!?!?!?!?  
S.KNIGHT: Stay frosty, Tom.  
  
"This WAY before you guys metorized on our plane..." started Serena  
  
TUXEDO (Serena as Stewardess): Coffee? Tea? Meteor?  
FALCON: Damn that Sephiroth!  
(All look at Falcon strangely)  
FALCON: What?  
  
"Metorized?" ask Lita. "That should have been Treeized."  
  
S.KNIGHT (Tour Guide): And here, we have Dr. Thinker's attempt at a joke!  
OTHERS: Ooohhhhhh! Aaaahhhhh!  
  
"Doesn't sound right to me, Lita. As I was saying, how do you know stuff that happen before I game." replied Serena.   
  
"Mrs. Hourson!" shouted Ann.   
  
CROW: Mrs. Whore-son? What the hell?  
  
A familar voice ring. "Yes, Ann." Her hand was carrying the Time Key!. It was Sailor Pluto.   
  
FALCON: Huh? When did she...  
TOM: Don't...don't think about it...damn...  
  
"Well, I did tell them." replied Pluto. "The history they need comes from another universe in which we were all American. "  
  
TUXEDO: Oh, well, that makes perfect sen...HUH?  
  
Raye said "That might explain all of the done dog plugs."  
  
"What's next?" ask Serena.  
  
"The next book is 'Mercury Rising'." replied Ann.   
  
CROW: ...Okay, that does it! I'm leaving! (Gets up.)  
S.KNIGHT: I know, this is WAY to painful! (Gets up.)  
TUXEDO: We're staying for the rest!  
TOM: Do you have a DEATH WISH?!?  
FALCON: We're just struggling along, here!  
TUXEDO: Just a few more lines...I can withstand the pain...(Eyes start to tear.)  
TOM: (Sigh) Okay, we're with ya. Just don't blame us when you go insane. (Others sit down.)  
  
"Does that mean, you going to add me?" ask Amy.  
  
Allen hugged the girl. "Right as ice, Amy."  
  
Serena gigles at Amy uncomformable.   
  
S.KNIGHT (Serena): Haha! You're sooooo uptight, Amy! Stop being uncomfortable! Nyeh Nyeh!  
TOM: Weak, Silver.  
S.KNIGHT: I know, I know...  
  
##################THE END###########################  
  
ALL: (Stare in disbelief.)  
TUXEDO: Is it...is it a dream? Someone pinch me!  
CROW: Okay!  
TUXEDO: No, Crow, I believe it!  
ALL: YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!  
  
What do you think, sirs or madams as the case might be.? E-mail me at winkstwo@sssnet.com  
  
Sign  
Dr. Thinker  
The Worst Writter On The Web  
##################################################  
  
FALCON: No, too easy. Wanna leave?  
TOM: Read my mind!  
(All leave the theater.)  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(By this time, Gypsy has finished pressing the uniforms of our resident heroes. After they put the uniforms back on, the vision to the Bots was restored.)  
  
TOM: And we missed out on a great feast on the eyes...  
S.KNIGHT: You weren't missing much, guys.  
CROW: But we WERE missing something!  
TUXEDO: (Slightly ticked) Would you like a triple attack like on Glenidia?  
BOTS: (Both are silent)  
FALCON: That's better.  
S.KNIGHT: Well, at least we don't have to feel embarrassed anymore.  
TUXEDO: Yeah, and our uniforms are looking better than before!  
FALCON: Hey, I'll go thank Gypsy for the rest of ya!  
  
(As Falcon gets up, he trips over a hidden switch on the floor of the bridge. From the ceiling, hundreds of shirts, multiple pairs of pants, and an assortment of dresses rain down from above.)  
  
BOTS: Eep...  
FALCON: So, there wasn't any other clothing on the SOL, eh?  
TOM: It was all Crow's idea!  
CROW: Me? Don't go pinning this one on me!  
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE...  
FALCON: FALCON FIRE...  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR...  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(Dr. F. is busy trying to direct a certain individual with a yellow headband out of his secret hideout.)  
  
RYOUGA: No, that's not the way out...  
DR. F.: That's the bathroom! When I say get out, I say GET OUT!!! (He points to a door that says "Exit" above it.)  
RYOUGA: Would you stop yelling? I know my way! (He goes the opposite direction that Forrester was pointing in.)  
DR. F.: Ugh. You just can't teach some people.  
FRANK: (From walkie-talkie) Hey, Doc, we got another situation up here!  
VOICE: (From walkie-talkie) Are you sure my Pigtailed Goddess didn't grace this finely-built machine?  
  
(Dr. F. lets out a big sigh, grabs his trusty flame-thrower, and presses the button.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Man, talk about TOUGH! This fanfic, in my opinion, was the hardest to riff so far. Dr. Thinker, I tip my top hat to you for making this so challenging! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. I should be pumping these out more often, now my new website has launched.   
VISIT IT AT http://lavender.fortunecity.com/rothside/482/index.html !  
And I promise, that's my last truly shameless plug for a while!  
  
@@@@@  
  
More Disclaimers  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)  
  
Stinger: "Yes. It seem to close to the last place a normal person might explace. They are using a penthouse across from the penthouse they used the last time." replied Amy.  



	8. Episode 18: 'Evil Guy From Another Dimen...

Super teen extraordinaire, Frekazoid! Freakazoid! Runs around in underwear, Freakazoid! Freakazoid! Venues Washington D. C., Freakazoid! Freakazoid! Unless something betters on...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 18: EVIL GUY FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION (PART 10) BY JUPITER KNIGHT  
  
...Freakazoid! Freakazoid!  
  
But before we go on, here are some:  
  
@@@@@  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
"Evil Guy From Another Dimension" belongs to Jupiter Knight, and he's welcome to it. The riffing of this piece is not meant to insult the author, or the piece itself. It was all done with fun in mind, and is meant to be taken lightly.  
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(Tuxedo Alex and Falcon Knight are in the background, dismantling one of the Satellite's many computers. Tom and Crow have joined Sailor Silver Knight at the front of the bridge.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: Hey everyone, welcome back to the Satellite of Love. I'm Michelle Argent, better known as Sailor Silver Knight and, well, you kinda caught us in the middle of fixing another technical glitch...  
TOM: Damn, this Satellite is going to hell up here!  
CROW: Yeah, ever since our Y3K drill, all our systems have been messing up left and right.  
S.KNIGHT: We don't think that it's because of Y3K, but something is definitely up. (To the back) Did you guys find out anything yet?  
TUXEDO: Not yet!  
FALCON: We narrowed the problem down to one major system error that's affecting the ship. But we can't find it anywhere!  
TUXEDO: It's definitely a hardware problem, we know that. It's just that this ship is built a certain way that the error affects the whole darn ship!  
  
(Falcon hits a button within the console, and the Hexfield starts opening and closing at an alarming rate.)  
  
FALCON: Oh, no, what did I do?  
TOM: Great, now the Hexfield is on the fritz...  
  
(The Hexfield slows down, and remains open. A picture within it slowly comes into a focus.)  
  
PICTURE: PZZZ DLLVVVRRRYYY...MMM TKTKTKT RRRDDRWRRRR...  
S.KNIGHT: Hold on, I think I can clarify this over here.  
  
(Silver presses a few buttons on the control panel, bringing the image to perfect clarity.)  
  
MAN: Space Pizza Delivery. May I take your order?  
CROW: Hey, he activated our speed dial system! He got it working again!  
TOM: I'll take five pepperoni pizzas, three with anchovies and mushrooms...  
S.KNIGHT: Oy. We'll be right back...  
  
(Silver hits the button on the control panel.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
SPECIAL MESSAGE  
  
Okay, I know this was a long time coming. I was very busy over the summer. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this MSTing! ----Tuxedo Alex  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(We return to the SOL, with our heroes and Bots surrounded by hundreds of pizza boxes. They have all taken a well deserved break after investigating the flaw.)  
  
CROW: Yeah, the computer can only tell so much. Remember, this is Forrester's ship.  
TOM: Who knows what the hell he did to it.  
TUXEDO: Is it any wonder that I can't get a full blueprint of the ship when I ask for it.  
S.KNIGHT: By the way, how'd you get the money for all these pizzas?  
TOM: Oh, Joel left his credit card up here when he left.  
FALCON: And you've been using it all this time?!?  
CROW: Well, apparently he has really good credit! No one has bugged us about it yet!  
TOM: Yeah, how else did we get such good stuff for this place?  
FALCON: (A big smile runs across his face.) You guys are good! (He slaps high fives to the Bots.)  
S.KNIGHT: Don't encourage them!  
  
(The lights flash on the main terminal.)  
  
TUXEDO: Oh, boy. Dr. Tomoe and Kaori Night are calling.  
  
(The Hexfield parts, albeit very slowly. Dr. Forrester is busy working on what looks like an oven with a black star in the middle. TV's Frank is on the other side, feeding him tools when needed.)  
  
DR. F.: Oh, hello Z Warriors! I see that you are having a bit of trouble on your little bone there.  
TUXEDO: Yeah, you think you can send a maintenance bot up here, or something?  
DR. F.: You really think I would do something crazy like that?  
TUXEDO: Nah, but it was worth a shot, right?  
DR. F.: True. Anyway, before I send you on your latest trip through hell, let me show you our latest project. Frank?  
FRANK: Yes, Steve?  
DR. F.: Have the final adjustments been made?  
FRANK: Sure thing! The door opens and closes, just like you wanted!  
DR. F.: (Sigh) Very good Frank. (He turns towards the Hexfield.) You have to keep these tasks simple for the "help".  
FALCON: Oh yeah, exactly. (He gives a look to the others the suggests his disgust with the pair.)  
  
(The camera zooms out to show an exact replica of the Star Oven from Sailor Moon S.)  
  
DR. F.: You know, a thought came to me the other night. There is a severe lack of monsters out on the loose in this world. This is why I created a true-to-life replica of this special oven. Just insert your favorite objects, an evil organism, press the button, and presto! Instant terror!  
FRANK: In the oven now is a lobster, and one of those cute little eggs that the other nice doctor gave us. So...  
  
(Frank pushes the start button. Lights flash and smoke surrounds the room. After about thirty seconds, a small bell sounds, signifying the job to be done. Frank uses a fan to clear the smoke from the room, coughing up a lung in the process. Dr. F., doing his share of coughing, opens the door. A seven-foot tall woman with huge pincers for hands exits, her claws flailing wildly. She immediately goes and attacks Frank.)  
  
FRANK: GAHHH! HELP! IT'S CHOKING ME!  
DR. F.: That's nice, Frank! Anyway, boobies, now's the time for your next experiment! And you're gonna love it! Or hate it, whatever. I don't care. It's "Evil Guy From Another Dimension, Part 7!"  
TOM: Uh, we've seen it already.  
DR. F.: Really? Voluntarily? Okay, how about Part 8?  
CROW: Seen it.  
DR. F.: Part 9?  
S.KNIGHT: Done.  
DR. F.: (Agitated) PART 10, THEN!  
FALCON: Uh, seen it?  
DR. F.: Nice try. You're watching anyway, like it or not!  
  
(The hexfield cuts off.)  
  
TUXEDO: Oh boy. More "Evil Guy". Joy.  
FALCON: With our luck, the ship'll blow before we finish.  
  
(The klaxons go off in perfect harmony.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: I guess we'll find out later, 'cause we got JUPITER KNIGHT SIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
@@@@@  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
THEATER  
  
Less than a week until I'm away on holidays! Woo!   
  
S.KNIGHT (Ric Flair): MEEEAAAAN! WHOOOOO! GEAN!  
  
Should I mention that I'm thoroughly enjoying DVD?   
  
CROW: I guess the Evil Guy DVDs have finally been completed.  
TOM: Digitally-unmastered, and even more confusing than seen in text form!  
CROW: Available now from our company catalog!  
FALCON: Would you SHUT UP about your company catalog?!?  
TUXEDO: Well, they DID make the trouble of putting one together...  
FALCON: And you've seen it when?  
S.KNIGHT: Guys!!  
  
Now, to repeat what I've said before, here's another part, Jackie!  
  
TOM: And to repeat what I've said before, (ahem), (BLEEP) you, Jupiter Knight! (BLEEP) you!  
FALCON: Stay frosty, Tom.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
TUXEDO (Captain Picard): A line must be drawn HERE!  
  
Sailor Moon: The Evil Guy From Another Dimension  
By Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight)  
  
Part 10 - Oh great, it's that guy again  
  
CROW: They're bringing back Hortense?  
OTHERS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
S.KNIGHT: In every dark cloud, there's a silver lining.  
FALCON: ...And?  
S.KNIGHT: Just saying...  
  
Last time on EGFAD:  
  
TOM: Enter Goomba Forrester's Atrocious Dungeon?  
TUXEDO: Ecchi Guys Form a Dynasty?  
FALCON: Everyone, Get Falcon A Drink!  
S.KNIGHT: Ahem? Do we look like your personal servants???  
CROW: Personally, I like Tuxy's better!  
TUXEDO: Can it, Crow, and don't call me Tuxy!  
  
Fox brought Mr. Sparkle....I mean Homer Simpson   
  
FALCON (Jupiter Knight): ....I mean Mr. Plow....I mean Max Power...  
  
and family to the wonderful world of Sailormoon, as well as making the hands   
  
TOM: ...have five fingers instead of four! Such is the power of the Evil Guy!  
  
and attacks of the Senshi glow colours and stuff.   
  
FALCON (Stoned): Woah dude, the walls are melting again...  
  
As a one time only special, LeVar Bouyer was also killed. And now, the news.  
  
S.KNIGHT (Newscaster): Today's top story, LeVar Bouyer was...aw, damn Jupiter Knight! Always one step ahead of me!  
  
* * * * *  
  
Evil Guy waddled around,   
  
CROW: Hey, Evil Guy is being played by "Jump And Duck"!  
TUXEDO: Yah! Don't bring that up!  
  
trying to figure out another scheme to continue failing to kill the Senshi. He needed someone that knew the Senshi and isn't dead yet.  
  
TOM: You mean Evil Guy's gonna call the hordes of the Otaku? He really IS evil!  
  
"I need someone that knew the Senshi and isn't dead yet," said Evil Guy.   
  
CROW: Just in case you tuned out from the last few seconds, here's a recap...  
  
Yes, he needed someone that knew the Senshi and isn't dead yet.   
  
CROW: Just in case you tuned out from the last few seconds, here's a recap...  
  
I have the perfect person for the job! Er, I mean "I have the perfect person for the job!" exclaimed Evil Guy.  
  
CROW: Just in case you tuned out...  
S.KNIGHT: We get it, Crow.  
  
* * * * *  
  
TUXEDO: Uh, oh. It's an on-the-spot ink-blot test!  
FALCON: I think I see...the good grammar and punctuation JK forgot to use!  
  
Chibiusa and Diana wandered around for a while.   
  
TOM: You know, walked into a few walls, tripped over a few beer cans, encountered Ryouga...  
  
What else would they do?   
  
CROW: Yeah, they haven't even found a decent casino yet!  
  
Their in a desolate post-apocalyptic Tokyo.   
  
TUXEDO: I thought they were Chibiusa and Diana?  
S.KNIGHT: Just ignore that, dear.  
  
However, due to unforseen circumstances,   
  
TOM: ...A giant hole opened in the ground and swallowed the two of them whole! HAHAHAHA!  
FALCON: Feeling dark today, buddy?  
TOM: Just a bit...  
  
they stumbled across a rip in the fabric of space, a portal to another dimension, if you will.  
  
S.KNIGHT: I didn't know space was made of fabric?  
CROW: Weak, Silver.  
S.KNIGHT: Hey, at least I try.  
  
"I didn't know space was made of fabric," said Chibiusa.  
  
ALL: ...  
TUXEDO: (Sigh) And the dance continues...  
  
"Should we go through, Small Lady?" asked Diana.  
She shrugged and said, "Why not? Puu isn't going to be back any time soon.   
  
FALCON (Chibi-usa): My constipation is gone! I feel so free!  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, ick!  
  
She's probably stoned somewhere near the edge of a volcano, for all we know."  
  
CROW (Pluto): Woah, this volcanic ash is some good s(BLEEP)t!  
  
And so, our two brave heroines  
  
TOM: ...were smoked by Sailor Pluto, and she got so stoned that she fell in that volcano! HAHAHAHA!  
TUXEDO: I think we need to play Tom's N 'Sync tapes backwards and see what kind of demonic messages he's gotten into.  
  
(remind me again, what are they trying to save?   
  
TUXEDO: Us! They're coming to save us!  
TOM: We're in here!  
CROW: Bring snacks!  
  
Oh yeah, nothing in particular, just their boredom)   
  
S.KNIGHT: Oh, and our boredom doesn't amount to anything, huh?  
  
entered the dimensional portal and emerged on the other side.....  
  
FALCON: The super computer!  
CROW: Crud, a Reboot crossover.  
  
WE INTERUPT THIS FANFIC FOR AN IMPORTANT NOTICE:  
  
TOM (JK): I am a doody-head. Thank you.  
S.KNIGHT (Ed): The cheese is always twice the fencepost!  
TUXEDO: Fire drill! Everyone exit the theater!  
(All get up from their seats.)  
DR. F.: (Over the P.A. system) Do I really have to say anything?  
TUXEDO: Hey, it was worth a shot.  
(All sit down again.)  
  
Crossover alert! Crossover alert! This is a very pointless crossover alert that hasn't been done for any previous crossovers in this fanfic!  
  
  
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED FANFIC  
  
CROW: Damn, it IS a Reboot crossover!  
S.KNIGHT: Now look what you've done!  
CROW: It's not my fault! I swear!  
  
What the two saw before them was huge. It was a great big cone with the vertex chopped off. It was also a really, really big building. They wandered around for a while, seeing several things that looked like big robots, a poster for some group called The Replicants, and a conveniently placed calendar that gave the year 2032.  
  
TUXEDO: Uh...yeah...  
FALCON: And the plot thinnens...  
  
* * * * *  
  
TOM: Crap! They discovered the password to my favorite porn site!  
FALCON: I thought it was "Underwear"  
TOM: Oh yeah, it's too short to be...HEY!  
  
Haruka asked, "So, today, do what and stuff?"  
  
CROW: Wha...?  
S.KNIGHT: Did Dr. Thinker get a hold of the keyboard or something?  
  
Michiru answered, "Uh, things."  
  
TUXEDO (Michiru): And...stuff, and...you know...the usual...  
  
Hotaru entered the unspecified room and said, "That Kintaro guy has been taken care of."  
  
FALCON: Yep, that ol' boss from Mortal Kombat II got what he deserved!  
  
Haruka asked, "What did you do to him?"  
Hotaru grinned evilly and said, "I super-glued his face to a toilet in the mens room of a gas station."  
  
TOM: And so, an old boss screams "Finish Me!" at the to of his lungs.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"I want a premonition! I want a premonition!" exclaimed Rei.  
  
TUXEDO: Well, I want a pony, but you don't see me getting my wish, now do you?  
  
Very well said the author.  
  
ALL: ...  
S.KNIGHT: I want an escape shuttle! I want an escape shuttle!  
FALCON: I want Chyna! I want Chyna!  
TOM: I want an ending to this fic! I want an ending to this fic!  
TUXEDO: I want a pony! I want a pony!  
CROW: I want some panties! I want some panties!  
(There are a few minutes of dead silence in the Theater.)  
CROW: ...Well, it was worth a shot.  
TUXEDO: And I'm still waiting for my pony!  
  
"Ooh, purdy cullers.   
  
FALCON: Uh oh. Pluto's been hitting the acid again...  
  
And what the hell is that guy doing here again? Haven't we seen him brought out of a deep freeze millions of times in other fanfics?!" exclaimed Rei.  
"Kuso!" exclaimed Makoto. "Who?"  
"You know, Jadeite," answered Rei.  
  
TOM: Didn't Tuxy do that in his fanfic?  
(Tuxedo Alex sinks down in his seat.)  
S.KNIGHT: Alex? Hello...?  
CROW: Hey, he's blushing!  
FALCON: And we didn't even say anything about him and Silver!  
(Tuxedo sinks further down.)  
S.KNIGHT: You're crossing the line, buddy...  
  
"Never met him," said Makoto.  
"I guess you wouldn't have. To make a long story short, first General of Dark Kingdom, he lasted 12 episodes, got stuck in an eternal sleep type thing."  
  
TOM: And then he was revived by Lilithite, and the Senshi lost their powers, and...  
TUXEDO: Would you SHUT UP?!?  
  
"Who?" asked Usagi.  
"Jadeite," answered Ami.  
"Oh, the blond guy with very little personality," said Usagi.  
  
CROW: What do you expect from a guy named after a rock?  
  
"So, a male version of my DiC counterpart?" asked Minako.  
"Uh, you could say that...." said Rei.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Geez, there is NO END to this! NO END!  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Let's skip the plot and go straight for the fight, huh?" suggested Evil Guy.  
  
TUXEDO: Wow, just like the other nine parts!  
TOM: So it's same old, same old, huh JK?  
  
* * * * *  
  
On some street somewhere in the Tokyo area of Japan on Earth,   
  
FALCON: As opposed to the Tokyo area of Japan in Andromeda...  
(Suddenly, Tuxedo Alex begins to levitate out of his seat.)  
CROW: Huh? Tuxy? What's going on?  
  
a few girls with short skirts, a guy in a tuxedo, two cats and some...things in leather appeared with no prior notice.   
  
(Tuxedo starts to run around the theater, screaming obscenities.)  
TUXEDO: (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)  
S.KNIGHT: Alex! What're you doing!  
FALCON: Oh, no! The fanfic's gotten to him!  
TOM: He's out of control!  
(Silver gets up to try and stop him. When Tuxedo passes them, she grabs him around the waist.)  
S.KNIGHT: Alex, STOP!  
TUXEDO: (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)  
  
And there he was, the most dreaded of all villains in the entire Sailormoon story *snicker*, Jadeite!!!!!!!!!!  
Jadeite looked at his adversaries, only recognizing five of them. "I think I need an introduction to the rest," said Jadeite.  
  
CROW: Oh, come on! Not another pointless intro!  
(Tuxedo Alex continues to run around the theater, dragging Silver behind him.)  
TUXEDO: (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)  
S.KNIGHT: HELP! I CAN'T STOP HIM!  
(Falcon Knight gets up, and runs into Tuxedo, pushing him to a halt.)  
FALCON: UURRGH...Snap out of it, man!  
TUXEDO: (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)  
  
Everyone else sighed, except Tuxedo Alex, who swore profusely and ran around the theatre like a madman on acid. The author grinned evilly :)  
  
TOM: Huh?  
CROW: Dammit! Tuxy didn't lose it! JK wrote him into the fanfic!  
TOM: That lousy bastard!  
(Tuxedo suddenly stops his forward progress around the theater, falls to the ground, and faints.)  
FALCON: Tuxy?  
S.KNIGHT: Alex?...(She puts her ear to his chest. She then breathes a sigh of relief.) Good, he's still breathing.  
FALCON: I heard what the bots said. Damn that Jupiter Knight!  
(Silver and Falcon carry Tuxedo back to his seat.)  
TOM: Is he okay?  
S.KNIGHT: He'll be fine. Just let him rest.  
  
"Do we have to do this every time? I'm getting tired of this. I'm Sailor Moon, the heroine of this godforsaken fanfic.   
  
S.KNIGHT (Sailor Pluto): Did someone say heroine?  
CROW (Sailor Moon): (sigh) No, Pluto.  
  
I don't know why I'm introducing myself, you already know who I am."  
"I'm Sailor Mercury, the smart one.   
  
FALCON (Sailor Venus): I'm Sailor Venus, the funny one!  
TOM (Tuxedo Mask): I'm Tuxedo Mask, the handsome one!  
CROW (Sailor Jupiter): I'm Sailor Jupiter, the butch one!  
  
I'm sure you know me, too. You tried to get a youma to suck my energy into a computer."  
"I'm Sailor Mars, the one who stuck that ofuda on your back before a jet nearly flattened you.   
  
TOM (Jadeite): Okay, which ofuda scroll was that? The green one, the white one, the little one with the flower in the middle...I can't remember, there were so many!  
  
I think you would've died a more pleasant death getting run over by that plane than what's going to happen today."  
  
S.KNIGHT (Mars): We're going to make you read EGFAD!  
CROW (Mercury): And after that, Rini's Change of Fortune!  
FALCON (JK): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
"I'm Tuxedo Mask, you tried to kill on more than one occasion and I have plenty of memories about things and stuff."  
  
TOM (Tuxedo Mask): Yeah, I remember when I used to be an integral part of the story line! Now all I do is SPOUT MEANINGLESS SPEECHES AND SAY "NOW, SAILOR MOON!" IT'S NOT FAIR DAMMIT! IT'S NOT FAIR!  
CROW: Woah, chill!  
  
"I'm Luna, just a cat that can talk."  
The rest seemed quite enthusiastic.  
  
S.KNIGHT: Must've been brainwashed.  
  
"I'm Sailor Jupiter! I hate you, you pathetic SOB!   
  
TOM (Jupiter): 'Cause Stone Cold said so!  
  
I don't even know who you are!"  
"I'm Sailor Venus! I have more personality than you, so there!"  
  
FALCON: My personality is better than your personality, you big doody-booger poopy head!  
  
"I'm Artemis! I'm the white cat, as if you couldn't tell!"  
  
CROW: Oh yes, Artemis. Preach your racist comments all over this fanfic! Watch your popularity go straight down the drain!  
FALCON: I don't think that's how he meant it...  
  
"I'm Sailor Pluto! I'm all doped up and ready to go to bed with you!"  
  
TOM: Really?  
S.KNIGHT: Tom!  
TOM: Sorry...  
  
"I'm Sailor Uranus! Judging from what I've been told about you, you should be an unbelievably weak opponent!"  
"I'm Sailor Neptune! The author is sneezing over and over again!   
  
CROW: Hey, we talk about him so much, how can he not?  
  
It's all your fault and it's making him type slower! I want to get this over with!"  
  
FALCON: ...Okay, so do I. Everyone, don't mention JK!  
TOM: Hey, you just said JK!  
CROW: Now you've just said JK!  
S.KNIGHT: Everyone just SHUT UP!  
(All others stay remarkably silent.)  
S.KNIGHT: Wow, a little women's touch goes a long way.  
  
"I'm Sailor Saturn! Death Reborn....oh, I shouldn't do that now."  
"I'm Sailor Star Fighter! I don't know why I'm here!"  
"I'm Sailor Star Maker! I hate these introductions!"  
"I'm Sailor Star Healer! I prefer being Nuriko!"  
  
CROW: Wha...?  
TOM: Great, now the author's losing it.  
  
"Chibi Chibi, Sailor Chibi Chibi Moon, Chibi! Chibi chibi chibi!"  
  
S.KNIGHT: For all those who don't know Japanese, here you go: "Small small, Sailor Small Small Moon, Small! Small small small!"  
  
"Mister Author, can we sign a contract so that we don't have to do these introductions again?" asked Sailor Moon.  
  
ALL: YES! SIGN THE CONTRACT! PLEASE!  
TUXEDO: ...ugh...  
  
The author ponders for a few moments.......ponders......ponders.... Still pondering.   
  
FALCON: Come on! If we influence this dang thing in any way, we say to SIGN THE DAMN CONTRACT!  
  
I guess so.   
  
ALL: YES!  
  
The Senshi sign the contract, along with the author insert signature. Now, I just have to think of something more diabolical! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  
  
CROW: Well, until that happens, we're safe.  
TOM: What if he writes us into the next part?  
FALCON: SHUT UP! NO MORE IDEAS!  
  
"Hello? Can we get on with this now?" asked Jadeite.  
  
(Tuxedo Alex slowly comes to.)  
TUXEDO: Uh...my head...what happened.  
S.KNIGHT: Jupiter Knight wrote you into the fanfic.  
TUXEDO: Oh, so that explains why I feel so dirty.  
  
Before he could attack, Saddam Hussein came up to him and said,   
  
FALCON (Hussein): Hi, remember me? I used to be the main enemy! Just thought I'd make a pointless cameo! Guess I'll be on my way now. Do-de-do-de-do...  
  
"If I were you, I'd give up now."  
  
FALCON: Well, at least I was close.  
CROW: No you weren't!  
FALCON: (sigh) I know.  
  
The author agreed. Since the Sailor Senshi are far more powerful now, Jadeite would be nothing more than a minor annoyance.  
  
TUXEDO: Unlike this fanfic, which turned out to be a major annoyance.  
TOM: That was kinda weak.  
TUXEDO: Give me a minute! I was dramatized yet again!  
  
"Excuse me, but I want my revenge," said Jadeite. "Now...." he started.  
"Venus Love and Beauty Shock.....1/4 power," Sailor Venus said with about as much interest as an atheist would have in church.  
  
CROW: First racism, now religious insults! JK, you're going down!  
  
Poof. Jadeite turned into nothing more than a pile of dust.  
"Well, that was pointless," said Sailor Mars.  
  
S.KNIGHT: (Sigh) Shall you Alex, or shall I?  
TUXEDO: You do the honors.  
S.KNIGHT: Okay. (Deep breath) LIKE THIS 'FIC?!?  
FALCON: Good job.  
  
"I'm going home," said Sailor Jupiter.  
"Let's go Michiru, maybe we can have sex without these damned interruptions," said Sailor Uranus.  
  
CROW: Don't worry, ladies, you won't even know I'm around!  
S.KNIGHT: CROW!  
  
Everyone slowly dispersed, except Sailor Venus.   
  
TOM: Gee, was she "hit unconscious" again?  
  
She was standing half naked in the crowded street, trying to change out of her fuku.  
  
BOTS: (Drool flows out of their mouth)  
TUXEDO: GUYS!  
FALCON: I never knew you guys could drool!  
  
* * * * *  
  
TUXEDO: Great, I'm still seeing stars!  
  
"Foiled again!" exclaimed Evil Guy.   
  
CROW (Mojo Jojo): Cuuuuuuuurrrseeeees...  
  
"I guess I should have seen this coming. A villain from the first series would have no chance against everyone from Sailor Stars. Now, if only I could think of someone from the sixth series, which doesn't exist and probably never will exist."  
  
S.KNIGHT: Existence is within the mind of the beholder.  
FALCON: ...And?  
S.KNIGHT: Boy, you just can't take a philosophical statement without your brain shutting down, can you?  
  
* * * * *  
  
Next time on SM:EGFAD:  
  
TOM: It's an Elvis crossover!  
TUXEDO: Don't give the author...  
TOM: I don't give a crap! It's gonna happen! You just know it! We'll be hearing "Hunka Hunka Burning Love" faster than we get our next experiment!  
TUXEDO: TOM! Calm down! It's almost over!  
  
Usagi: Mamo-chan!  
Mamoru: Usako!  
Usagi: Mamo-chan!  
Mamoru: Usako!  
  
S.KNIGHT: Alex!  
TUXEDO: Michelle!  
S.KNIGHT: Alex!  
TUXEDO: Michelle!  
TOM: Parn!  
  
Miaka: Tamahomeeeeeeee!!!!  
Tamahome: Miakaaaaaa!!!!  
Usagi: Ahem.  
Chibiusa: Tamahomeeeeeee!!!!  
  
S.KNIGHT: Alex!  
CROW: Parn!  
TOM: Parn!  
TUXEDO: Huh?  
CROW: Parn!  
  
Ail and Fiore: Miakaaaaa!!!!  
Usagi: Will you stop that?  
All characters voiced by Araki Kae and Midorikawa Hikaru: Gomen.  
Rei: What the hell is going on?  
  
FALCON: Parn?  
TOM: Parn!  
FALCON: Oh, Parn!  
CROW: Parn!  
TUXEDO: Stop it.  
TOM: Parn!  
FALCON: Parn!  
S.KNIGHT: Stop it...  
  
Yaten: Hotohori!  
Tiger's Eye: Nuri....I mean Miaka!!!!  
Ann: Tamahome! Miaka! Nakago?  
  
FALCON & BOTS: Parn!  
TUXEDO & S.KNIGHT: STOP IT!  
(An uncomfortable silence follows.)  
TOM (Whispering): Parn?  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD!  
(Hundreds of energy stars emanate from Silver's hands and strike Tom out of his seat.)  
TUXEDO: You just had to push her buttons, didn't you?  
TOM: (From the floor) Bite me!  
S.KNIGHT: And Lodoss War is such a good series, too...  
  
Makoto: I hope this isn't happening next time.  
Minako: You never know with this author.  
  
TUXEDO: We do.  
S.KNIGHT: It will.  
CROW: It'll hurt.  
FALCON: Bad.  
  
Golly gee, wasn't that fun?   
  
TOM: Well gosh and golly, gee whilikers! Bite me!  
TUXEDO: It's almost over, geez...  
  
It's been how long since I did one of these?   
  
ALL: TOO LONG!  
FALCON: (Looks over to you.) Bet you didn't see that one coming!  
MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! FOURTH WALL ALERT!  
(The klaxons start to go off again.)  
TUXEDO: ADAM!  
FALCON: What?  
  
Anyway, now that I got this one over with, I now have episode 10 of BSSM Knights to do. Happy fun time! You know where to e-mail me at: jarcher@direct.ca. Meri kurisumasu ando a happi nuu yeaa!  
  
S.KNIGHT: Hey, it's over! Everyone kept his or her sanity?  
OTHERS: No...  
S.KNIGHT: I meant more so than usual.  
FALCON: I guess...  
CROW: Than lets get out of here!  
(They all exit the theater.)  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(Tuxedo Alex and Falcon Knight get back to work, wading through all the pizza boxes. Sailor Silver Knight goes to help while Tom and Crow go to the garbage disposal unit to dispose of all the boxes.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: What do you want me to do?  
FALCON: Grab that board over there and check for any burns or something.  
TUXEDO: We'll go through these boards over here.  
S.KNIGHT: Okay. Ready to get rid of these boxes, Tom?  
TOM: We're on it! Open the hatch, Crow.  
CROW: Got it!  
  
(Crow presses the button to open the door to the garbage chute. Nothing happens.)  
  
TOM: Come on, Crow, we don't have all day!  
CROW: I'm trying! (He presses the button multiple times.) The darn thing won't open!  
TOM: Great. Just great.  
TUXEDO: We can't get the garbage chute open?  
CROW: I said I was trying! (He presses a few more times before the button falls off.) Uh-oh...Tom did it!  
S.KNIGHT: Did what?!?  
TOM: Huh? I didn't do anything!  
CROW: It was his fault!  
FALCON: So, we're stuck with these boxes everywhere?  
TUXEDO: ARGH! Is everything going wrong on this ship?  
S.KNIGHT: Don't worry, I'm on it.  
FALCON: (To Cambot) This could take a while. Why don't you check on the Mads or something? We got work to do.  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(The Lobster monster has been locked up in a laser cage. Doctor Forrester has reattached Frank's head for the 87th time. At the moment, they are in serious discussion.)  
  
FRANK: Good news, Steve. Everything is going according to plan!  
DR. F.: Wow...that's something I rarely hear from you. So, the Satellite is prepped?  
FRANK: Yep. The errors are happening all over the ship. Even their garbage is on the fritz!  
DR. F.: Excellent. The flaws are minor, but soon they'll grow. Heck, in a week or two, they won't even have power. The best thing is, they won't even find the hardware error causing these fluctuations! They don't even have a clue...  
  
@@@@@  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Wow, talk about weird. The riffing of this chapter was months in the making, and yet I finish it, AND the host segments in one day! I think I'm finally getting my inspiration back! YAHOO! I just hope that I'll find the time between college, and work, and homework, and this, and that, and the other thing, and life, to complete these regularly. I'm going to try, though! Oh, by the way, pay attention to the next two parts, for they will officially conclude this interesting plot twist I threw in. See ya then!  
  
Stinger: Now, I just have to think of something more diabolical! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  



	9. Episode 19: 'Sister Catsy' By Walt Chime...

That was a record of my best work...fortunately now I have a chance to surpass it! The world will once again be mine on a delicious half-shell. And there is nothing you can do to stop me...  
  
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3  
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX  
EPISODE 19: SISTER CATSY BY WALT CHIMERA  
  
But before we go on, here are some:  
  
@@@@@  
  
Disclaimers:  
  
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.  
  
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.  
  
"Sister Catsy" belongs to Walt Chimera, and he's welcome to it. The riffing of this piece is not meant to insult the author, or the piece itself. It was all done with fun in mind, and is meant to be taken lightly.  
  
@@@@@  
  
SATELLITE OF LOVE  
  
(Problems are still running rampant around the ship. With the garbage chute still malfunctioning, our Heroes and the Bots are still wading through a sea of pizza boxes. Still searching for the hardware flaw, Sailor Silver Knight has opened the navigational computer, checking for errors. Falcon Knight, Tom, and Crow are checking out the food replicators. Tuxedo Alex is at the front of the ship, bags under his eyes.)  
  
TUXEDO: Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Satellite of Love. We're still trying to figure out what the heck is causing all these problems...  
FALCON: Hey, Alex!  
TUXEDO: (Tired) *Sigh* What is it now?  
FALCON: I got bad news. The replicator just died.  
TUXEDO: WHAT?  
TOM: Everything seemed to be working just fine a second ago!  
CROW: And all the stuff was hooked up correctly.  
FALCON: Then I tried to run it, and it just shut down. I can't turn it back on.  
TUXEDO: (Sighs heavily.) Wonderful. Now we can't eat.  
S.KNIGHT: (From the back) Alex, I checked out the navigation computers, and everything still works okay.  
TUXEDO: (Muttering) Great. Now we'll know exactly where we are when we starve to death.  
S.KNIGHT: (Coming towards the front.) What's that, Alex? I didn't catch...  
TUXEDO: (Angered, Harsh tone) Well, why don't you pay attention next time?  
S.KNIGHT: Hey, don't snap at me like that!  
TUXEDO: Then how do you want me to snap?  
S.KNIGHT: Alex, stop it! You're not helping this situation in any way by brooding about it!  
(Both are now nose to nose.)  
TUXEDO: You know any other way to fix this ship? Do you? You know where the flaw is? Huh? Go ahead and tell me so I'll stop brooding! Go ahead!  
S.KNIGHT: (Anger rising) You...You...  
(Falcon Knight steps in between the two to attempt to break them up.)  
FALCON: Guys, calm down! We can't be fighting like this!  
CROW: Yeah, this isn't like you at all!  
TOM: Take a chill pill, Tuxy.  
TUXEDO: (After a moment.) ...Fine. Whatever. (He throws off his hat and mask in disgust and leaves the bridge. An uncomfortable silence follows.  
FALCON: Uh...we'll be right back?  
S.KNIGHT: Alex...  
  
@@@@@  
  
AND NOW, A BREAK...  
  
This space for rent! That's right! This space shall be reserved for someone who wants a free plug for their website! No catch! No strings attached! Just e-mail me at tuxedoalex@home.com with your name, your website, and a description there of, and you'll be given a free plug! Just doing something to help out! (Or increase my readers, either or... ;) )  
-- Tuxedo Alex  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL - TUXEDO ALEX' QUARTER'S  
  
(Tuxedo Alex is sitting on his bed, starring at his non-functioning computer. He obviously appears to be stressed and very tired. He had pulled three all-nighters in a row working on the ship, with marginal time for naps and breaks. At the moment, he is thinking about what he said earlier, and what he did. He feels very ashamed of himself for letting his anger out of control like that. After a few seconds there is a knock on the door.)  
  
TUXEDO: Come in, it's open.  
  
(Sailor Silver Knight enters, a look of concern on her face.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: I think we need to talk.  
TUXEDO: Right. I think so, too. Pull up a chair.  
  
(Silver takes the chair from Alex' desk and sits next to him.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: I didn't appreciate being yelled at like that.  
TUXEDO: I know...  
S.KNIGHT: Granted everyone is tired, on edge, and generally feeling icky, but you have to remember it's not just "you" who feels that way. You need to control your temper better.  
TUXEDO: Yeah...  
  
(A moment of silence passes.)  
  
TUXEDO: I'm...I'm sorry, Michelle...I really am. The whole food replicator thing was the straw that broke the camel's back, I guess...  
S.KNIGHT: I noticed.  
TUXEDO: I didn't mean what I said back there. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just needed to vent and yell at something, but I couldn't hold it in until I was alone. (He takes Silver's hand.) I'm sorry if I hurt you. I really am. I'm just so tired...  
S.KNIGHT: It's okay. It happens. Let's just forget about it for now.  
TUXEDO: Forget about what?  
  
(Both share a good laugh. Afterwards, Alex brushes some hair away from Silver's face and caresses her cheek. They both lean in for a kiss, holding each other close.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
SOL BRIDGE  
  
TOM: How long has it been?  
FALCON: (Looking at his watch.) Fifteen minutes.  
CROW: Geez, are they humping each other in there, or what?  
TOM: Crow!  
CROW: What, I thought you liked hentai!  
TOM: I do! I was going to say that, though!  
FALCON: Damn, guys, leave them alone!  
  
(The lights start to flash, however, the lights are flickering more than flashing regularly.)  
  
FALCON: Besides, Dr. Tofu and Betty the Skeleton are calling.  
  
(The Hexfield opens...slowly...to reveal Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in the middle of a rousing game of Pokémon Puzzle League. Frank has a winning streak of 49, and well on his way to a 50th win.)  
  
DR. F.: Dammit, I'm an evil genius! Why am I NOT WINNING?  
FRANK: Relax, Doc. It's just a game. (Frank wins again within seconds.) YES! I WON! I WON I WON I WON! 50 IN A ROW! I AM THE GOD! (He gets up and does a very elaborate victory dance.)  
DR. F.: (Sigh) He does this every time he wins something. So, Bon Bon Babies, I...where are the other two?  
FALCON: Sharing a "private" moment. (The Bots snicker.)  
DR. F.: Oh. I'll have to turn on my secret spy camera to watch them later. Anyway, time is short over here, so here's your experiment. (He pauses slightly as Frank continues to dance in front of him. He continues speaking when Frank leaves.) This is another Walt Chimera gem, which he has entitled "Sister Catsy". Believe me, you'll wish that it "never happened"! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Frank, still dancing, blocks Dr. F. once again. Tired of this, he pulls a random sword out of Hammerspace(tm), and chops off Frank's arm.)  
FRANK: (Looks at his bloody appendage.) Hey, what'd you do that for?  
DR. F.: Don't worry, it'll grow back.  
FRANK: Really?  
DR. F.: Uh...yeah! Really! Now go get a mop. You're bleeding all over the floor.  
FRANK: Will do, Steve!  
DR. F.: And when you're done, lets play another round.  
  
(The Hexfield cuts off.)  
  
TOM: So are we crossing over into a convent now?  
FALCON: Who the hell knows. Let's just get through it.  
  
@@@@@  
  
SOL - TUXEDO ALEX' QUARTERS  
  
(Alex and Silver are still very into their kiss from a few minutes ago as the klaxons go off.)  
  
TUXEDO: (Releasing the kiss, surprised.) What the hell?  
S.KNIGHT: Dammit! It's the klaxons!  
TUXEDO: Great, of all the times to have a FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIGN!  
  
@@@@@  
  
(6)  
(5)  
(4)  
(3)  
(2)  
(1)  
  
THEATER  
  
(All the patrons take their seats. From right to left: Crow, Falcon, and Tom, leaving two seats blank n between.)  
CROW: Damn, they're not here yet?  
FALCON: All I know is that they are NOT leaving us alone with the Popeye crossover author!  
  
Sister Catsy: Polka Haunt Us  
  
FALCON: Okay, so Catsy became a nun?  
TOM: I dunno. The pink tutu wouldn't look good with the robes.  
(Tuxedo Alex and Silver Knight finally make it in, taking the seats between Crow and Falcon.)  
S.KNIGHT: Sorry we're late.  
TUXEDO: Yeah, and sorry about earlier.  
TOM: Don't worry. You're forgiven.  
CROW: You'll be completely forgiven if you give us details from your visit together!  
TUXEDO & S.KNIGHT: CROW!  
  
TEASER:   
  
CROW: Hah hah! Silver is a doody-head!  
S.KNIGHT: What?!?  
FALCON: Her attacks are SOOOOOOOOO weak!  
S.KNIGHT: Stop that!  
CROW: Well, it said to "Tease Her", so...  
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!  
(Hundreds of roses suddenly pierce Crow and Falcon Knight.)  
S.KNIGHT: Alex, you know I could have taken care of them myself...  
TUXEDO: Well, I haven't done my attack in a while. So sue me.  
  
Today on Sister Catsy, a trip to the movies turns into   
  
TOM: ...a giant, MUTANT BUNNY! AND IT CHOMPS CATSY TO BITS! HAHAHAHAHA!  
TUXEDO: Tom, you've been on a really "darkness" high these last few experiments. Are you sure you're okay?   
TOM: Well, I have been eating a lot of fiber lately!  
S.KNIGHT: That...doesn't answer anything.  
CROW: Believe me, after sitting on the can with a quarter-tank of fiber in your gut, you try NOT to be dark!  
  
a confrontation with another one of Sailor Io's hideous mutants.   
  
FALCON: Huh?  
TUXEDO: Adam, try not to think...  
FALCON: Already covered!...wait, did you finish your sentence?  
  
Will we survive?   
  
CROW: Hey, that's what we're supposed to ask!  
  
What a stupid question! We ALWAYS do! Just stay right there,   
  
S.KNIGHT: Like we have a choice in the matter...  
  
and I'll show you!   
  
TOM: ...my t(BLEEP)ts!  
TUXEDO: TOM!  
  
Kicking ass by negamoonlight   
Kissing it by daylight   
  
CROW: Hey, it's a lemon!  
FALCON: I don't think so...  
  
Never running from a cat fight   
  
FALCON: Then again, I could be wrong...  
CROW: A lesbian lemon, no less!  
S.KNIGHT: GUYS!  
  
She is the one named Sister Catsy   
  
CROW: A lesbian lemon in a Church! WA-HOO!  
TUXEDO: Crow. Line. Pushing.  
  
She will never turn against the Negaverse   
One day she will rule the universe   
  
TOM: However, because of the Universe Leadership pecking order, she shall not be ruling the smallest galaxy anytime soon.  
  
Well, at least according to this verse   
She is the one named Sister...   
  
Sister Prisma!   
Sister Avery!   
Sister Bertie!   
Mister Rubius!   
  
CROW: Why do I get the feeling someone's gonna call him "Mister" while tied up?  
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR...  
CROW: Okay...okay...sorry...  
  
The evil powers are not new to her   
  
TUXEDO (Catsy): Dammit! I got stuck with last year's powers! Why can't I get the new models?  
FALCON: ...Weak, Tuxy. Weak.  
TUXEDO: I'm tryin'...and don't call me Tuxy!  
  
She is the one named Sister Catsy   
  
Trust her; you won't regret it   
  
TOM: Sure. Until she turns on you, stabs you in the back, and throws you into the FIRERY PITS OF HELL!  
S.KNIGHT: Has this whole Satellite business corrupted your Darkness Chip?  
TOM: Eh...who knows...  
  
When it comes to love, she just doesn't get it   
With sisters stealing all the credit   
She is the one named Sister Catsy   
She is the one named Sister Catsy   
She is the one... Sister Catsy!  
  
FALCON: Okay, you're name is Sister Catsy. We get the damn point!  
  
--Theme from "Sister Catsy"   
  
TUXEDO: Crap! They're gonna sing to us again!  
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
TITLE SCREEN: Polka-Haunt Us   
  
ALL: (Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)  
  
SCENE: A typical Negaverse street scene.   
  
CROW: I thought they lived on a huge spaceship.  
TOM: Details, details...  
  
Catsy and her sisters are primping at their favorite hangout -   
  
FALCON (Godfather): Primpin' ain't easy, man!  
  
a cosmetics stand run by Queen Beryl's younger sibling, Princess Quartz   
  
BOTS: (Singing) She is the one named Sister Quartz!  
OTHERS: GUYS!  
  
Quartz: Are you girls going to keep sampling everything like yesterday?   
  
S.KNIGHT (Quartz): I mean, you're not supposed to eat that stuff. It's poisonous when you ingest it!  
  
When do any of you cheapskates actually plan on BUYING something?   
  
TUXEDO (Catsy): When your sister comes back from the DEAD!  
  
Catsy: Hey! What's with the attitude, today?   
  
Prisma: Don't mind her, Catsy. She's just miffed because her sister rules the Negaverse,   
  
CROW (Quartz): Hah! She's alive! Pay up!  
  
and is now on her way to ruling that goodie-goodie universe, while Quartzy, here, is selling Regal Cosmetics.   
  
Quartz: That's not true! I'm happy for Beryl! I really am! (Quartz bursts into tears and runs away.)   
  
FALCON: Thus, her business crumbled into the ground, and she falls further down the pecking order.  
  
Prisma (grinning): Was it something I said? I hope?   
  
S.KNIGHT: Hope. (Sigh) Something I'm getting less of every day...  
TOM: All we have to do is hang in there...  
  
Come on, sisters, let's help ourselves to all the best stuff before she comes back.   
  
CROW (Bertie): I got the Cockroach Lip Gloss!  
FALCON (Prisma): Dibs on the Spider Powder!  
TUXEDO (Avery): That's my Eye of Newt Body Wash!  
TOM (Catsy): No, mine!  
  
(All four of them start eagerly grabbing items, until Catsy notices with a gasp who's heading toward them from up the street.)   
  
ALL: (Perform elaborate gasps.)  
  
Catsy: Oh, no!   
  
S.KNIGHT (Catsy): My Spotted Frog Mascara is running!  
  
Bertie: What's up, Catsy?   
  
Catsy: It's that stuck-up Rubius. I can't stand him!   
  
TUXEDO (Catsy): But I can walk him okay!  
FALCON: Good Rubius! Here's your treat!  
TOM (Rubius): Ruff ruff!  
  
Bertie: Why?   
  
CROW: ...ask why? Try Bud Dry!  
  
Rubius: Hey, Astroboy-head!   
  
ALL: ...  
TOM: Astroboy-head?  
S.KNIGHT: Well, the story's content just took a dip into the "Ancient Anime" category...  
FALCON: As well as the "What the Hell" category...  
CROW: But it hasn't gone into the "Ecchi Furry" category yet! Damn!  
TUXEDO: Crow....  
  
How's it going?   
  
Catsy (to Bertie): THAT'S why. (to Rubius): How many times do I have to tell you?   
  
CROW (Catsy): Stop ripping off the DiC dub! It's worse enough as it is!  
  
Stop calling me Astroboy-head! My hair is supposed to look like cat ears! My name's Catsy!   
  
TUXEDO (Rubius): So, I should start calling you Chibi-Usa-Head now?  
  
Even a moron like you should be able to get that!   
  
Rubius: Sure, Astroboy-head.   
  
FALCON: Ba-dum, CHING! The comic relief, ladies and gentleman!  
  
Say, where's Quartzy?   
  
S.KNIGHT (Avery): Over there, Hawks-Eye-Head.  
  
Prisma: Bawling her eyes out somewhere, because she's not a queen.   
  
TOM (Quartz): Damn, she goes ahead and gets killed, and she's STILL ruling the Negaverse! I never get any breaks!  
FALCON (Negaverse): All hail The Pile of Dust Formerly Known as Queen Beryl!  
  
Rubius: Again? Somebody ought to put her out of her misery.   
  
CROW: Reading this fic'll put anyone out of their misery. Go do that!  
  
Avery: Give Beryl time. She will.   
  
(Everyone nods, knowingly.)   
  
TUXEDO: For everyone knew that, one day, Quartz would accidentally snort Beryl's remains, choke on them, and die.  
  
Rubius: Well, I can't stand around here chatting all day. There's a Doris Day picture playing at the Styx.   
  
TOM: Doris Day? In the NEGAVERSE?!?  
FALCON: And what's with Styx? Did they sell their souls, or something?  
S.KNIGHT: Smile and nod...  
  
Anybody want to see it with me?   
  
S.KNIGHT: I call no obvious hentai comments for this line!  
CROW: Damn!  
  
Catsy (turning up her nose): No, thanks!   
  
TUXEDO: Then she twisted the nose to the left, than to the right, and before long, she had her very own nose balloon!  
FALCON: Wow, she's talented!  
  
Prisma: I'll come.   
  
BOTS: YES!  
HEROES: GUYS!  
  
But I'm not in the mood for horror. I'd rather see someting light and amusing.   
  
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Someting light und amusing, Dahling  
  
Rubius: I hear Platoon is playing on one of the other screens.   
  
Bertie: Oh, I saw that last week! It's a laugh riot! It's full of pathetic humans blowing each other to pieces! Hahahahaha!   
  
TOM: (Very Dark) Yeah, that was great! And all those grenades, man! He never saw that one coming! HAHAHAHA! BLOW 'EM ALL UP! HAHAHAHAHAHA!  
CROW: (Very scared) ...I think I wet my circuits...  
TUXEDO: Okay, I've had enough of this. Hey, Tom!  
TOM: (Maniacally) What, my pretty! HAHAHA!  
TUXEDO: Artemis' Lover, Rini's Change of Fortune, and Poke-A-Mon crossover!  
TOM: (Thinks for a moment) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRGHHH! (His head explodes, showering the theater with Starburst Hard Candy.)  
S.KNIGHT: Gyah! Alex, what did you do that for?  
TUXEDO: Forced head explosion. He needed to release some tension for a while now.  
FALCON: True. (Hands Tuxedo a new Tom head.)  
  
Avery: Sounds great! Count me in!   
  
(Cut to a nearby energy bar.   
  
S.KNIGHT: The Amazon Trio are in this thing?  
  
A young Zoicite is sucking down a cold one,   
  
CROW (Zoicite): Oh, Malacite, all frozen from the snow? Here, let me make it all better...  
OTHERS: ...  
FALCON: ...Should I take this as a yaoi reference and blast Crow?  
TUXEDO: (Fixing Tom's head) Hey, knock yourself out.  
FALCON: Cool! (Pulls out his Flame Fan) FALCON FIRE FAN! (A huge flame leaps out, burning Crow in the process.)  
CROW: YAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH! Traitor!  
FALCON: Normal hentai comments are one thing, but yaoi references...  
  
when there is a flash of light in the middle of the room.   
  
(Tuxedo finishes attaching Tom's head.)  
TOM: (Crazed Fan) Oh my gosh, it's Zoicite! I just got his picture! Yes! Oh, can I have your autograph? Please, oh please, oh please?  
TUXEDO: Tom, how do you feel?  
TOM: Oh, a lot better. As disgusting as that was, I needed that. Thanks.  
  
In it's place appears Sailor Io.)   
  
FALCON: Sailor International Onion?  
S.KNIGHT: Sailor Internal Oreo?  
CROW: Sailor Icky Orgasm?  
TUXEDO: (Slaps his forehead.) Why, oh WHY didn't I see that one coming?  
  
Io: Aha! Zoicite! I've tracked you down at last!   
  
TOM: Oh, so it's the Bounty Hunter Sailor Senshi no one told us about. Okay it makes perfect sense.  
FALCON: Uh...no it doesn't...  
TOM: Shhhh! I'm in a semi-good mood, and I want it to stay that way!  
  
Zoicite: Sailor Io! What do you want from me?   
  
TUXEDO (Sailor Io): Oh, nothing much. Just your credit card, pin number, and whatever cash you have on you at the moment.  
  
Io: Your Dark Heart crystal, what else?   
  
TUXEDO: I just said! Credit card, pin...  
FALCON: We get it!  
TUXEDO: Sorry...  
  
And I shall have it! There is no escape for you!   
  
(Io whips out her Io wand   
  
S.KNIGHT: ...and starts to "help herself"?  
OTHERS: 0_0  
S.KNIGHT: ......oh man, I've been hanging around you guys toooooo long...  
  
and points it at Zoicite's chest, while Zoi screams.)   
  
TUXEDO: As do the participants in the theater.  
TOM (Zoi): AAAHHH! Zoicite is being attacked! AAAHHH! The horror! AAAHHH!  
  
Io: IO DARK HEART CRYSTAL SUCKING POWER!!!!   
  
FALCON: "Crystal Sucking"? That could be taken oddly...  
S.KNIGHT: Adam, ANYTHING we say can be taken oddly with your mind.  
FALCON: Funny...keeeeeeeeep talking...  
  
(A rainbow colored beam of light shoots out from the wand, striking Zoicite and extracting the Dark Heart Crystal, which lands in Io's palm.)   
  
Io: See you, Zoicite! It's been real!   
  
CROW: Real annoying!  
TUXEDO: And boring!  
S.KNIGHT: And poorly conceived!  
  
(Io vanishes in a flash of light.)   
  
Zoicite (screaming): No! Without my Dark Heart crystal, I'm no longer Zoicite! I'm...I'm changing into...   
  
TOM: Super Zoicite?  
FALCON: A model citizen?  
TUXEDO: A female in both Japan and America?  
S.KNIGHT: A MALE in both Japan and America?  
CROW: Mommy?  
  
(Zoicite transforms into Lawrence Welk.)   
  
ALL: Aw, sh(BLEEP)t!  
MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language!  
  
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!   
  
TUXEDO: As Welk gives a positive review of "Return of the Jedite". Thanks!  
MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! FOURTHTHTHTHH...HH...H...W...LLLLLLL...(pop, crack, crack)  
(The klaxons start to go off, but soon crackle, sputter, and fizzle.)  
TOM: Well...that was new.  
FALCON: You know what this means, don't you?  
S.KNIGHT: (Bitterly) That the SOL is falling to pieces right before our eyes?  
FALCON: Nope. It means we can BREAK THE FOURTH WALL AS MUCH AS WE WANT!!!  
CROW: All right!  
BOTS & FALCON: ROTJ SUCKS! ROTJ SUCKS!  
TUXEDO: All right, knock it off!  
  
(Cut to outside the movie theater.   
  
CROW: Hey, it's Gypsy! Hi, Gypsy!  
S.KNIGHT: I think they mean the theater in the story, Crow, not our theater.  
CROW: Oh.  
  
The gang, minus Catsy,   
  
TUXEDO: ...multiplied by five, divided by the "Rubeus Factor", minus the sum of the quotient of the author's bad plot contrivances and product of the grammar mistakes equals this story.  
  
are planning how to sneak in past the usher, when...)   
  
Avery (pointing): Look! What's that?"   
  
FALCON (Usher): Hey! No sneaking in the back way! Get out of here, you freeloaders!  
  
Bertie: It looks like a human with a pointy stick and bubbles,  
  
TUXEDO: Amy-chan with her henshin stick and casting the Shabon Spray? (Goes off into a dream state.)  
S.KNIGHT: Not again...  
  
coming right at us!   
  
TOM (Jimbo): It's coming right for us! (Pulls out shot gun) BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!  
TUXEDO: Amy-chan! NO!  
FALCON: And he's supposed to be the SANE one on this ship?  
  
(Close up of Rubius. We hear his thoughts.)   
  
FALCON (Rubius' Thoughts): Boy, I could sure go for some Pocky right about now...  
TOM (Rubius' Thoughts): Okay, when is Emerald supposed to kill me again?  
TUXEDO (Rubius' Thoughts): Astroboy-Head? ASTROBOY-HEAD? What the hell was I thinking?  
S.KNIGHT (Rubius' Thoughts): (Sings circus music.)  
CROW (Rubius' Thoughts): Soon, little rabbit, you will be a big rabit, and you'll be ALL MINE!  
OTHERS: CROOOOOOOOOOOOW!  
CROW: Oops...RCOF line...I apologize. Really.  
  
Rubius: I better make myself scarce before one of these bimbos decides I should protect them!   
  
(The sisters look around themselves, suddenly alone.)   
  
S.KNIGHT: The sisters suddenly were sent into a void where no one is around?  
  
Prisma: Hey! Where did Rubius go?   
  
TOM: He had diarrhea. Bad.  
FALCON: Uh oh...Tom's going dark again...  
TUXEDO: Don't worry. If he gets out of line, I know how to deal with him.  
  
Avery: I guess we're on our own.   
  
Bertie: What do we do?   
  
CROW: Sit around and mindlessly riff fanfics? Like someone is doing right now?  
TUXEDO: Hey! No breaking the fourth wall!  
CROW: The alarms are broken! I can say whatever I damn well please!  
TUXEDO: (Sigh) YELLOW ROSE...  
CROW: Or...not...  
  
Prisma: What we always do, Bertie-brain! Transform!   
  
FALCON (Bertie): But we don't ALWAYS transform! Sometimes we do other things...  
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Okay...well...lets do what we do MOST of the time! Transform!  
TOM (Avery): Wait a sec! We don't even transform all that often!  
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): (Slightly annoyed) Okay...SOME if the time then...  
CROW (Catsy): Come to think of it, this is the first time we've EVER transformed!  
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Oh, would you all SHUT UP? We're transforming NOW, and THAT'S THAT!  
  
The three of them stand with their backs to one another. while the camera POV starts to circle around them.   
  
TUXEDO: while sentence fragments roam abundantly. through the air. annoying certain trapped riffers.  
  
We see black cresent moons, with their horns pointing down, appear on each of their foreheads. That's it. You were expecting flashy effects? Tough!)   
  
TOM: Come to think of it...yes. Yes we were!  
S.KNIGHT: Yeah, we were expecting transformation scenes of at least Final Fantasy IX quality!  
TUXEDO: Shame on you, Chimera!  
  
(Welk dives into the midst of them, confusing them with his bubbles, and slashing at their faces with his baton.)   
  
Bertie: Watch it, you jerk! You nearly put my eye out with that thing!   
  
FALCON (Welk): Uh...that's kinda the point? I attack you, you get hurt? Duh!  
CROW: Weak comment, my friend.  
  
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!   
  
FALCON: See? The story liked my one liner!  
CROW: Oh, shut up!  
S.KNIGHT: Guys...  
  
Anna one, anna two...   
  
TUXEDO: Welk is ordering around robots!  
TOM: How many "Anna's" does he have?  
  
(Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while champagne music plays in the background.)   
  
ALL: (Cover ears)  
CROW: Damn, this music sucks! (He produces a remote.) I wonder what else is on...  
(Crow clicks a button, and all of the sudden...the music in the fanfic changes?)  
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (ROCK) music plays in the background.  
CROW: Cool!  
FALCON: What the hell?  
TUXEDO: What did you just do?  
CROW: Hey, with the fourth wall alarms gone, we can change this puppy around!!! (Crow clicks another button.)  
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (COUNTRY) music plays in the background.  
TOM: YAAHHHH! Change it! Change it!  
CROW: Hold on! (Click)  
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (RAP) music plays in the background.  
TOM: Better.  
S.KNIGHT: Hoo boy, we are sooooooooo gonna be taken off this website for this...  
TUXEDO: Michelle! No fourth wall breaching!  
S.KNIGHT: Sorry...sorry...  
  
Catsy's voice from the roof of a nearby building:   
  
TUXEDO: Tuxedo's voice from the pits of a nearby theater...  
  
Hold it right there, buster! If anyone's gonna scratch out my sisters' eyes, it's gonna be me!   
  
FALCON: As Catsy turns to the side of (cough) good, and turns on her sisters.  
OTHERS: Heel turn! Heel turn!...wait...Face turn! Face turn!  
  
Welk (turning around and looking up): Anna who-a are you-a?   
  
S.KNIGHT (Anna): You made me, master! As well as the other 56 Annas you command!  
TOM (Welk): Oh, right. I plum forgot!  
  
Catsy: I am Sister Catsy! Defender of the Negaverse from human scum! And that means you!   
  
CROW (Catsy): Yeah, you! You! In the back row! With the Hawaiian shirt!  
  
Welk: Anna now, the lovely sister is gonna sing for you-a a wunnerful song entitled "Ouch-a, My Foot."   
  
ALL (Anna): (Singing off-key) Ouch-aaaaaaaaaaa, my foot-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It hurts-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa a lot-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  
  
(Welk sends a laser beam from a mirrored ball hanging   
  
TOM: (Singing) Burn, baby, burn! Disco Inferno!  
  
in the sky to Catsy's left big toe.)   
  
Catsy (hopping on the other foot): OOUUCH! MY FOOOOT!   
  
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!   
  
FALCON: Yeah, our singing was quite good, wasn't it?  
  
(We suddenly hear a guitar strum, and a dirty sock lands on the pavement in front of Welk.)   
  
TOM (Tuxedo Mask): Uh...I ran out of roses, and it was laundry day?  
TUXEDO: Well, it happens from time to time...  
(The others look at Tuxedo strangely.)  
TUXEDO: What?  
  
Welk: Hello-a. What is this-a?   
  
(Rubius is hovering in the sky, wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of jogging shorts.)   
  
CROW: Ugh, thanks for that WUNNERFUL image, story!  
  
Rubius: I am Sweatshirt Shorts. Any human who attacks these ladies, answers to me!   
  
ALL: (Stare at the screen for a moment, than burst into uncontrollable laughter.)  
S.KNIGHT: Is THIS the best Chimera could come up with?  
FALCON (Stan): Dude...this fanfic is pretty f(BLEEP)ed up right here.  
TUXEDO: Language...  
  
Welk: Oh, yeah? It's polka time-a!   
  
CROW (Welk): So here's-a Weird Al-a Yankovick-a with his latest polka-a compilation-a!  
OTHERS: YES!  
  
(Welk starts to point his baton at Sweatshirt Shorts, when the fumes from the sock finally reach his nostrils. He takes two sniffs, turns green, sticks a finger in his cheek and makes a "pop" sound, before dropping to the ground, unconscious. The bubbles trapping the three sisters disappear.   
  
ALL: ...  
TOM: I think we reached the "JK" zone.  
FALCON: "JK" zone?  
TOM: A void where the fanfic makes entirely no sense, no matter HOW hard you try.  
FALCON: Ah.  
  
All four sisters: All right!   
  
S.KNIGHT: But only three sisters were...  
TOM: "JK" zone...  
S.KNIGHT: Right, never mind.  
  
Catsy (with hearts in her eyes): Sweatshirt Shorts is so keen!   
  
TUXEDO (Clonus Horror guy): I think your neat!  
FALCON (Clonus Horror guy): I like how keen you are!  
  
But where did he go?   
  
CROW: Up my...  
TUXEDO: Crow!  
CROW: ...nose?  
TUXEDO: Better...I guess...  
  
Rubius (in his usual attire): Somebody looking for me?   
  
Catsy: Oh, no! No way! I'll look for you when I need somebody to sit on a bayonet!   
  
FALCON: So Catsy's into the kinky stuff? Dude!  
TUXEDO: Adam...aw, screw it. This fanfic deserves it at this point.  
TOM: Such is the reaction in the "JK" zone.  
  
Bertie: So, what are we supposed to do with this human now?   
  
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): You gonna eat that?  
  
(Two large rats, a white one and a black one come scampering up.)   
  
CROW: Wha...?  
TOM: Jeez, this is almost breaching the "Twin Peaks" zone!  
TUXEDO: The place where any and all coherency and plot is shoved out the window?   
TOM: I'm afraid so...  
S.KNIGHT: Wouldn't that be classified under the "JK" zone as well?  
TOM: I guess, but this is on a much more grandiose scale.  
  
Black rat: He's not a human at all, Bertie!   
  
White rat: Yeah! My vibes say he's really one of us, only missing the Dark Heart Crystal!   
  
S.KNIGHT: (Stoned) Woah...dude...the rats are talking again...  
  
Avery: Who would steal such a thing?   
  
Prisma: Only one person I know is capable of an act like that! Sailor Io!   
  
ALL: Bum, bum, BUUUUUUUUM!  
  
(The rest of the gang gasps, as Sailor Io materializes in the air.)   
  
Sailor Io: Did someone mention my name?   
  
FALCON (Sailor Io): Whoever did, I was in the shower! I hate it when you contrive me out of the shower like that! Luckily, I was wearing a towel at the time...  
  
Good! I will take ALL your Dark Heart Crystals!   
  
Catsy (launching into her Flying Barbecue attack): We'll see about that!   
  
TOM: "Flying Barbecue"?  
TUXEDO: Kami-sama! Does this thing ever end?  
TOM: "Flying BARBECUE"?  
CROW: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder...  
TOM: "FLY...I...I...NG BARB...b...b...B...b...B...BBBBBBBBBBBB..."  
(Tom's head explodes once again, showering more Starburst Hard Candy everywhere.)  
FALCON: Not again...  
S.KNIGHT: (Sigh) I'll fix him this time. (Pulls out a new head and goes over to Tom to fix him.)  
  
(Sailor Io is toasted to ashes, screaming.   
  
FALCON (Catsy): Huh? I didn't even do my attack yet! I was just getting ready!  
CROW: The enemy commited suicide to get out of the fanfic? Now why didn't I think of that?...  
TUXEDO: Hey! No one is commiting suicide! We're all in this together!  
  
The Dark Heart crystal drops from her grip into Welk's chest. Welk transforms back into Zoicite.)   
  
S.KNIGHT (Zoicite): Thank you, thank you! And for my next trick, I'll pull a rabbit from my hat!  
  
Zoicite (sitting up): I think I hear Malachite calling me!   
  
(Zoi gets up and runs away.)   
  
TOM (As Zoi, with new head attached): AHHHHHHHH! This is so weird! First Zoicite is turned into a monster, than there's Sweatshirt Shorts! I'm getting out of here! AHHHHH!  
  
Prisma: How do you like that? Not even a thank you!   
  
Catsy: Serving Queen Beryl is all the thanks I need.   
  
FALCON (Catsy): Oh yes, that rotting pile of dead flesh gets more of my respect than all of you combined!  
  
(Everyone stares at her in silence for a moment, then they all burst out in uproarious laughter.)   
  
ALL: Uh...ha...haha...heh...hehehe...  
  
SISTER SAYS:   
  
TOM: Asistersayswhat?  
CROW: What?  
TOM: Right! HA HA!  
CROW: Hey!  
  
I can't think of anything worse than becoming a human.   
  
TUXEDO: Hey, we're living it.  
  
Unless it's becoming a human who has a TV show sponsored by Geritol. Zoicite was lucky, today, but you might not be. Always guard your Dark Heart crystal from anyone who tries to take it, because you never know what sort of hideous thing you might become without it! Sister Catsy Says! Hahahahahaha!   
  
S.KNIGHT: The fanfic's over?  
FALCON: Holy s(BLEEP)t! It is!  
TOM: Get me outta here!  
CROW: Finally! That was tough!  
TUXEDO: I know a good way to get rid of this stress...  
  
(All get up and exit the theater.)  
  
(1)  
(2)  
(3)  
(4)  
(5)  
(6)  
  
@@@@@  
  
BACK ON THE SOL  
  
(Sailor Silver Knight is standing on a podium, with the others around her. Each has a fake guitar, except with Crow on drums.)  
  
FALCON: Man, I could've found another way to apologize...  
TUXEDO: Shut up, Adam! Okay, ready for the song?  
OTHERS: Ready!  
  
(The American Sailor Moon theme plays in the background. The others just sing over it.)  
  
ALL: Riffing fanfics by moonlight,  
Cursing them by daylight.  
Never giving up without a fight,  
She is the one named Silver Knight!  
  
She is trapped in here with her friends,  
Her sanity we will defend.  
When she gets off, Dr. F.'s life she'll end!  
She is the one named Silveeeeeeeeeerrrrr...  
  
Alex is Tuxy!  
Crow is Derian!  
Tom is Dowm!  
Adam is Falcon Knight!  
  
Star Floods she'll always get right,  
She is the one named Silver Knight!  
  
(Guitar solo for a few seconds.)  
  
Riffing fanfics by moonlight,  
Cursing them by daylight  
With the Heros to help make light,  
She is the one named Silver Knight!  
She is the one named Silver Knight!  
She is the one...Silver Knight!  
  
(All collapse, but are laughing.)  
  
S.KNIGHT: That was fun. Thanks!  
TUXEDO: Glad you liked it. Well, back to work...  
  
@@@@@  
  
SOL BRIDGE - LATER ON  
  
(Tom and Crow are actually doing something productive by stacking the many pizza boxes neatly in an unused corner of the bridge. Our resident Heroes have finished looking in the last computer terminalon the bridge for flaws, and are putting it back together now.)  
  
FALCON: Okay, so Life Support checks out. I guess that's it.  
S.KNIGHT: We checked all the devices on the bridge. No broken hardware, no faulty chip sets. Not even a frayed wire!  
TUXEDO: It doesn't make any sense. We looked everywhere.  
CROW: I even checked out my hentai games on my Palm Pilot!  
TOM: So you're the one who downloaded Panty Raider from my PC!  
CROW: Well, it's not like oyu were going to play it...  
TOM: OF COURSE I WAS! IT HAD "PANTY" IN THE TITLE, YOU IDIOT!  
TUXEDO: GUYS!  
S.KNIGHT: I really doubt that a sex game on a Palm Pilot can cause faulty hardware.  
CROW: (Snicker) Sex game...faulty hardware...  
  
(The Bots roll on the floor laughing. It is at this point the Bridge's main computer suddenly bursts into flame and short circuits. The crew jumps out of the way to save themselves, but can't help but get drenched when the sprinkler system kicks in. Afterwhich, main power shuts down leaving the entire Satellite in total darkness.)  
  
TUXEDO: ...Houston, we have a problem...  
  
@@@@@  
  
DEEP 13 1/3  
  
(Dr. Forrester is standing by a switch labeled "SOL Main Power".)  
  
DR. F.: Finally! All that singing was giving me a headache! Anyway, now I've cut main power, everything should be ready soon...  
FRANK: (Carrying something in his good arm.) Hey, Doc! Phone call! (Frank gives Dr. F. a cell phone.)  
DR. F.: thanks. Hello?... (Gets a worried look on his face)...Yes...Yess, I understand...I see...don't worry, this time, I'll get them!...Right...Good-bye, Boss. (He hangs up.)  
FRANK: What's wrong, Steve?  
DR. F.: That was..."Him".  
FRANK: (Gasps) Really?  
DR.F.: (Nods) We have by next experiment to drive our subjects mad. If we fail, he'll come down here...  
FRANK: Uh oh...  
  
(Frank absentmindedly pushes the button, as the entire screen goes black.)  
  
@@@@@  
  
Author's Notes  
  
Well, after a whole semester of college under my belt, it's back to work on another piece of "wunnerful" work found on the World Wide Web! (cough) Anyway, this turned out very tough to riff by the end, because it got so weird, as in "Twin Peaks" weird. But, I did my best. Any complaints? If so keep 'em to yourself, please. Heh...  
  
The whole "changing the fanfic around" bit from earlier was NOT meant rewrite the author's original work. That's why it was in the riffer's section. The whole thing was just to make you laugh. So, please don't do anything warranting my termination, Mr. Chimera!  
  
Next chapter is the GRIPPING SEASON FINALE! Buckle down, Bon Bon Babies, this one'll knock your socks off...  
  
Stinger: Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!   



End file.
